Lisa Hall - Tell Me No Lies

‘Someone left something on the doorstep. Some flowers. I thought I knew who they were from, a new friend I’ve made.’ See , I want to say to him, I am trying, I’m trying so hard to be normal. ‘I asked her about them but she said she had never seen them before, that they definitely weren’t from her.’

‘And what do you think?’ He raises his eyebrows at me, steepling his fingers and resting his chin on them in a typical therapist listening pose.

‘ I don’t know ,’ I stress, searching his eyes to see if I can tell what he is thinking. ‘I want them to just be a goodwill gesture from someone who is concerned about me. I don’t want to think there’s anything sinister about them but … it made me feel uneasy, that’s all. They were left on the porch while I was asleep. I don’t like the thought of someone creeping around outside the house while I’m there – why not knock on the door? But I’m sure it’s fine, probably a neighbour or something.’ As I speak I realise I sound paranoid, so I quickly backtrack, trying to convince the doctor (and myself, if I’m honest) that it really is no big deal. A bubble of anxiety rises in my chest and I swallow hard, trying to force it back down.

‘OK. Steph, we’ve been through this before, haven’t we? People know now that you are pregnant, correct? And Mark tells me you’ve been quite poorly with it – so, I think it probably is a case of someone having heard you’ve been a little under the weather and just wanting to give you a little boost, something to cheer you up. It’s easy to see things that aren’t there, especially when you’ve suffered with depression issues before and have battled through it.’ He gives me a sympathetic smile, and resumes his scratching in his notebook.

I nod, blinking back the last of my tears. I must be seeing things that aren’t there, if Dr Bradshaw thinks it’s innocent. I realise this is the reason I made my appointment – I wanted reassurance from someone who isn’t Mark that I’m not going crazy; that there is nothing in it, just a kind gesture from someone who would prefer to remain anonymous. I thank Dr Bradshaw, making a show of looking at my watch to say our time is up – usually his line, but today I’m taking advantage of it and getting out of here.

Ten minutes later I’m standing on the pavement outside the doctor’s office, wrapping my coat around me against the bitter chill of the wind. I have made another appointment in two weeks’ time, but I’m honestly not sure if I’ll keep it. I feel a lot better now I’ve had some reassurance that the posy is nothing to be scared of, and Dr Bradshaw seems to believe my assertions that I am OK dealing with things. I feel lighter than I have done in days. As I step off the kerb I hear someone shout.

‘Steph! Steph, wait!’

I turn, my hair whipping across my face, and see Laurence striding towards me, cheeks reddened by the cold.

‘I thought that was you! How are you?’ He stoops to kiss my cheek.

‘Laurence. I didn’t see you there – I’m very well, thank you. Just on my way home.’

‘Me too. Let me walk with you.’ He looks back over his shoulder towards the building I have just left, and I feel my cheeks flush red as I hope Laurence doesn’t realise where I have just come from. To my dismay he nods towards the building,

‘Have you just been in there?’ he asks. ‘Research, I’m guessing? From what I’ve heard he’s a right old quack. I’ll be interested to see what article you write on him.’ He gives a little laugh and grasps my elbow gently as we cross the road. It’s been a long time since Mark remembered to do anything as gentlemanly as that.

‘Erm, right, yes. Research. That’s it.’ I feel flustered, both by his words and the fact that his hand is burning right though my coat to my skin. As we reach the other side of the road and he pulls his hand away, I fancy I can still feel his touch, branded onto my elbow. We walk slowly together towards home, and I feel odd, as I did the first time I met him, like there’s something comforting and familiar about him. Like he knows me completely already, while I know nothing about him. I realise after a moment that he has been talking and I’ve not taken in a word he has said.

‘I’m sorry, what did you say? I was in a world of my own.’

‘I said, Mark has asked me to keep an eye on you and Henry while he’s away. That’s if it’s OK with you? My being next door and everything.’

He looks down at me, eyes searching my face and I feel yet another blush rise to my cheeks. What the hell is wrong with me? Without thinking, I prickle back at him, ‘I’m a grown woman, Laurence; I hardly think that anyone needs to keep an eye on me. I’ve managed on my own for years without Mark around, so I’m sure I can manage another three weeks or so.’

‘Right, OK. Well, the offer is there if you need anything.’

Immediately, I feel like a bitch for snapping at him, disappointed in myself for letting things slip, for giving in to the natural instinct to push people away. Mark obviously wants to make sure we’re OK while he’s not there, and Laurence has very kindly offered to help. It’s not his fault I feel so resentful towards Mark for leaving us so soon after promising me a fresh start, even though I know deep down that Mark doesn’t want to leave.

‘Listen, Laurence, I’m sorry. That came out all wrong. I’d be glad to have you keep an eye on us while Mark is away.’ The words come out before I can even think about stopping them. ‘Why don’t you come for dinner tonight? I can cook us something, nothing too fancy, and you can update me on all the scandal from the financial world.’ He gives a laugh, and tucks his arm into mine as we turn into our street.

‘Sounds perfect. I’ll be there.’

I am nervous before Laurence arrives, making sure the beef is turned right down low so it doesn’t burn and fussing with my hair, which has been flattened by the wind on our walk home. At eight p.m. sharp the doorbell rings, and smoothing my hair down for the fiftieth time I pull the door open, not expecting to see the person standing on the doorstep.

‘Lila! What are you doing here? Is everything OK?’ I stand in the doorway, instead of pulling the door wide open as I usually would.

‘Yes, everything’s fine. I just brought this over – I thought we could chill out together this evening, girls’ night in?’ She waves a DVD in my face, and makes as if to come in. I hold out a hand, resting it gently on her forearm.

‘Lila, wait. I’m sorry but … I can’t. Not tonight.’ Lila’s face falls, and I feel terribly guilty. She has been so good to me and I hate to let her down, but even so, we hadn’t made any arrangements.

‘Oh. That’s a shame.’ She gives me a small smile. ‘I just thought that … well, I thought maybe you might quite like some adult company while Mark’s away. But it’s fine, another time.’ I go to explain myself, to say it’s nothing personal, but before I can say anything, Laurence appears behind her. Lila turns, and seeing him behind her, gives a little nod. ‘Oh, I see,’ she says, in a flat voice. ‘You’ve already made plans. I’m sorry, Steph, I didn’t realise.’ Dejected, she turns to leave.

‘Lila, wait,’ I say, feeling like a total heel. ‘We’re just having dinner. Laurence is looking after us while Mark is away, that’s all. How about you join us? Or you and I could get together tomorrow evening?’ It’ll be the last thing I feel like tomorrow. After Laurence coming over this evening and two articles to write tomorrow the chances are I’ll be exhausted by the time tomorrow evening rolls around, but I hate seeing the disappointed look on her face.

‘Oh, no, don’t be silly, it’s fine. It was only a DVD and a bar of chocolate. But tomorrow, yes. That’ll be lovely.’ Lila turns on her heel and I watch her make her way back up the slippery, icy path, glittering with frost, before gently closing the door.