Kimberly Belle - The Marriage Lie

There are a million things I need. I need to know what made Will board that plane. I need to know what happened to make it fall from the sky. I need to know what his last moments were like, if he went down screaming or without warning, if one moment he was debating peanuts versus pretzels and the next he was dust. I need to know where he is—literally and exactly. Will there be a body to bury?

But most of all, I need Will to be where he said he was going to be. In Orlando.

I untangle myself from Mom’s arms. I look to James, since he was the one reading the news. “Do they know why it crashed?”

“It’ll be months before they say for sure,” James says, his voice careful. He takes me in with his blue-eyed doctor’s gaze, methodical and thorough, like he’s trying to take my pulse from the other side of the kitchen counter. “How did you sleep?”

I shake my head. I didn’t miss the way everyone exchanged looks at my question about the crash, and I sure as hell don’t want to talk about my lack of sleep. “Just tell me, James.”

He hauls a breath, his gaze sliding over my right shoulder to Dave, as if asking for permission. Dave must have nodded, because James’s gaze returns to mine. “Keep in mind this is just a theory at this point, but the media is speculating a mechanical problem followed by pilot error.”

“Pilot error.” The words come out sluggish, like my tongue is coated in molasses.

James nods.

“Pilot error. As in, somebody fucked up, and now my husband is dead.”

James grimaces. “I’m sorry, Iris, but it sure sounds that way.”

Bile rises in my throat, and the room sways—or maybe it’s just me.

James hops off his stool and rushes around the counter, steadying me with a palm around my elbow. “Would you like me to give you something? I can’t medicate your grief away, but a pill can help take the edge off, at least for the next few days.”

I shake my head. My grief, as spiky as it is, feels like the only thing binding me to Will. The thought of losing that connection, even the rawest, sharpest edges of it, fills me with panic.

“I wouldn’t say no to a Xanax,” Dave says.

James gives me a look, one like your crazy brother, then pats my arm. “Think about it, okay? I can write you a prescription for whatever you need.”

I give him my best attempt at a smile.

“Come.” My mother steers me to the kitchen island, overflowing with food. A platter of scrambled eggs, a mini mountain of bacon and sausage swimming in grease, an entire loaf of toasted bread. For Mom, there’s no better way of demonstrating her love than with heavy, hearty food, and this morning, her love is big enough to feed an army. “What would you like?”

I take in the food and the smell hits me, buttery eggs and fried pork grease, doing somersaults in my stomach. “Nothing.”

“You can’t not eat. How about I whip up some pancakes? I’ll make the Dutch kind and load them up with apple and bacon, just the way you like.”

Dave looks over from the coffeepot, where he’s measuring out the grounds. “Ma, leave her alone. She’ll eat when she’s hungry.”

“C’mere, Squirt,” Dad calls out from his seat at the table, patting the chair beside him. “I saved you a spot.”

My father is a former marine and a brilliant engineer with an easy smile and a halfway decent jump shot, but his greatest talent is running interference between my brother and me and our mother.

I sink onto the chair and lean into him, and he slings a beefy arm around my shoulders. My family is not a demonstrative clan. Hugs happen only at hellos and goodbyes. Kisses are rare, and they usually stop just short of skin. So far today I’ve held my brother’s hand, collapsed in my mother’s arms and snuggled up to my father. This is what death does. It forces intimacy at the same time it snatches it away.

My gaze falls on the legal pad, covered in Dad’s block-letter scribbles. Pages and pages of bullet points, grouped into categories and ranked by level of importance. If Will were here, he and my father would bond over the beauty of this list, a masterpiece of left-brained brilliance. I push aside Dad’s reading glasses and scan the papers, a string of knots working their way across my shoulder blades. It seems unfair there are so many tasks to tackle, when all I really want to do is go back to bed and forget yesterday ever happened.

And then I notice a grouping of four or five bullets at the bottom.

“Compensation?” I say, and there’s venom in my tone.

“Airlines provide a sum of money to victims’ families, Iris. I know it seems harsh, but I’m just looking out for my baby girl. I will make sure you’re provided for.”

As if Liberty Air can fix their shoddy planes and bungling pilots by throwing around some cash. Oh, we killed your husband? Here, go buy yourself something nice.

“I’d rather starve to death than touch a penny of their blood money.”

“Fine, then don’t touch it. Put it in the bank and forget all about it. I’m still going after it for you.”

I grab the pen and add my own bullet to the list: research victims’ families’ charities. Someone might profit from Liberty Air’s money, but it sure as hell won’t be me.

The next page is more of the first, and after a quick scan I flip to the next and then the next, stopping short at what I read across the top: MEDIA. Underneath, my father has created a long and extensive log of calls received, complete with date, time, name of caller and outlet. I don’t recognize all the names, but more than a few jump out at me. People magazine. The Today show. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Diane Sawyer. USA TODAY.

“How did they find me? Our number’s unlisted.”

Dave settles in at the head of the table with an egg-and-bacon sandwich. “I don’t know, but the phone has been ringing off the hook. We unplugged it an hour ago. And last time I looked, there were three news vans parked out front.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. And you know that photo of you and Will from last New Year’s Eve? It’s all over the internet.”

They could have chosen a worse picture, I suppose. Me and Will in our holiday finest, our faces lit up with goofy grins as he dips me over an arm. I loved it so much I made it my Facebook profile picture, which, now that I think about it, is probably where they got it.

Mom slides a plate with a mini mountain of food in front of me. “Here, liefje. Try to eat at least a few bites.”

I pick up my fork, cut off a mini slice of sausage and push it around my plate until Mom heads back into the kitchen.

Dad flips to the next page of his list. “Liberty Airlines has established a Family Assistance Center at the international terminal at Hartsfield. A lady by the name of—” he slips on his glasses and consults the paper “—Ann Margaret Myers is your point of contact.”

Dave snorts around a giant bite of food. “What kind of idiot plans a gathering for plane crash next of kin at the airport?”

“Liberty Air ones, apparently,” Dad says. “They want us down there so they can, and I quote, provide comfort and counseling, discuss plans and answer any questions.”

“Plans?” I say. “What kind of plans?”

“Well, for starters, they’re talking about a memorial service as soon as this weekend.”

Dad’s gentle tone does nothing to stop a familiar anger from sparking like a flash fire. A Liberty Air memorial service feels like an insult, like the neighbor who buys you flowers after they run over your dog. I won’t accept their public display of penitence, and I can’t forgive their mistake.

“So now I’m supposed to accept help from the people responsible for killing my husband? That’s absurd.” I shove my plate to the center of the table, and the pyramid of scrambled eggs landslides over the rim.