Trisha Ashley - Good Husband Material

He looked aghast. ‘But—’

‘Isn’t it wonderful , darling? Exactly what we want, and at such a low price. You are clever!’ (Only the best butter.)

‘Well, I—’

‘It means we’ll have money to spare for decorating, and sanding the floors and things like that. I’ll phone first thing tomorrow and give the go-ahead.’

‘Yes – but, Tish, look, let’s think before we act hastily.’

‘I’ve thought. We’re buying it.’

He was still making stupid objections when he went out, so I spiked his guns by immediately phoning the Rosens, a young couple with whom we’ve conducted an on-off affair re selling our flat for the last year or so. They still hadn’t found anything they could afford that they liked better, and were delighted to hear that Thunderbirds were Go.

‘Sweetness is so excited!’ cooed Charlie. (I kid you not – they have to be the most nauseating couple ever.) ‘She’d set her little heart on your flat, the poor darling.’

There was a murmur of assent from Sweetness. I’d met them a couple of times (too many) and Sweetness had informed me she was a model, though since she was a five-foot anorexic I can only assume she modelled children’s clothes.

‘She’s absolutely delighted,’ confided Charlie.

Girlish cries of glee could indeed be heard in the background.

‘Your flat is such a blank canvas for her – she has so many wonderful ideas of what to do with it. We’re both over the moon.’

Excuse me , I thought, but this blank canvas just happens to be my home! However, it did look very bland and boring except for my patchwork throws, the baskets of dried autumn leaves, and the giant lime-green papier mâché bowl from Ikea.

James may insist on magnolia paintwork, but I just refuse to have a magnolia life from now on. I’ve been drifting along, thinking I’m going somewhere, and I’ve finally found where I want to go and when: now .

I must write that book plot down before I forget it: Ley Lines to Love …

Fergal: December 1998

‘Fergal Rocco, pictured with his Frog-eyed Sprite sports car. Although it is his favourite, he also has two Mini Coopers and a Morris Traveller among his rather eccentric collection. He is currently looking for a country house with more room to store them …’

Drive! magazine

Mr Rooney was a medium-sized nondescript sort of man, with surprisingly sharp blue eyes behind thick glasses, all important assets to a private eye, I expect. He’d come well recommended, at all events.

‘What did you find out?’ I asked, as he seated himself and began thumbing through his notebook to the right place, a process that involved a damp finger and more time than I could spare.

‘Well, Mr Rocco,’ he said finally, ‘I did a small check on the lady in question as you requested. She’s married to a solicitor called James Drew – younger member of Drew, Drune and Tibbs – lives in a basement flat. No children. She has a part-time position in a university library.’

‘A librarian?’ I repeated. Tish ?

‘And she writes.’

‘That’s more like it. Poetry, I suppose,’ I said, an errant memory flitting through my mind of long afternoons spent in my flat – me painting, Tish wrestling with a poem, or lying on the rug with her A level books spread around her.

So I was surprised when he said, ‘Not poetry, Mr Rocco. She writes romantic novels as Marian Plentifold.’

‘Romantic novels?’

‘She seems to be doing quite well with them, too.’

‘Inspired by her husband, no doubt,’ I said, and something in my voice made him cast a doubtful glance my way.

‘Mr Drew seems to be a respected member of the firm, which was founded by his grandfather. He’s older than Mrs Drew by about ten years. His father lives in South Africa with his second wife and family.’

‘So – happily married then?’

Mr Rooney emitted a small dry cough. ‘General opinion among the office staff – obtained from one of the secretaries, a Miss Sandra Walker – is that there was some disappointment when he married. Hopes had been cherished, especially by one of the secretaries, who’d been having an on/off affair with him for some considerable time. According to Sandra, Mr Lionel Drew, the senior partner, didn’t think she was the right material for a solicitor’s wife. She married someone else, but she’s now divorced and has recently rejoined the firm. Apparently she’s been making a play for Mr Drew again, but apart from the occasion of the office Christmas party he hasn’t responded.’

‘So what did he get up to at the office party?’

‘Having drunk a little too much, he retired with Mrs Vanessa Grey into the small photocopier room.’

‘I see.’

‘There are thirty-four blurred photocopies in existence.’ He passed me a folded sheet. ‘I expect in the heat of the moment, as it were, the button …’

‘Yes.’ Well, it was a minor peccadillo, I suppose, compared with what I’ve got up to in the past. But then, I’m not a married man.

‘He seems to be able to keep his trousers on generally otherwise, then?’

‘There was no hint of anything else,’ Mr Rooney said primly, ‘and he’s been trying to distance himself from Mrs Grey ever since – very hangdog and worried his wife will hear.’

I suppose every dog is allowed one bite. Or one photocopy.

‘That was the extent of my brief, sir, but if you’d like me to proceed further?’

‘No. No, that’s fine, thanks,’ I assured him.

‘Who was that?’ enquired Carlo a few minutes later, passing him in the doorway.

‘A private eye. I set him on to find out what became of Tish.’

Carlo has big, liquid dark eyes, and can look indescribably sad-spaniel sometimes. It goes over well with the girls. He looked like that now.

‘Tish? After all this time you still care about her?’

‘No, it’s just my curiosity was stirred by seeing her at the gallery – as I suppose hers was in coming to see the show. I just felt I’d like to know how she was, what she was doing.’

‘Yeah, and I’m Titania, Queen of the Faeries,’ Carlo said sceptically.

I grinned. ‘Well, that’s what I thought I wanted, only it seems deep down I wanted to find her miserable, separated, divorced – you know? In need of rescue, anyway. So what does that make me? A complete bastard?’

‘Human. Do I take it she’s happily married and living in suburbia with two point five children?’

‘All except the children. And she’s turned into a romantic novelist.’

‘Really? So, what now? Drop back into her life like a particularly dangerous spider and invite her to jump into your web?’

‘No, of course not. I’m going to keep well clear. And I don’t think much of your metaphor, though I might just use it. I’ve got this idea for a song …’

‘I wonder if she ever feels the drain of you sucking your inspiration from her over so many years? Did the detective comment on whether she looked like the dried-out husk of a woman?’

‘Ha, ha!’ I laughed hollowly. ‘Now I’m some sort of vampire.’

‘Don’t you find Nerissa something to write about?’ he asked curiously.

‘She’s a distraction, admittedly, and she’s got more sticking power than I expected. But Pop’s threatening to cut her allowance off if he sees one more tabloid photo of his daughter with her hands all over me.’

‘She’ll be moving in with you before you know what hit you.’

‘No she won’t. You know,’ I struck a Garbo-esque pose, ‘I often vant to be alooone.’

‘Yes, and you also often say you want to settle down and raise a family. Speaking of which, you haven’t forgotten it’s my engagement party tonight?’