Ann Troup - My Mother, The Liar

Delia had heard these innocent words and had looked at him, raising her eyebrows as if that unknown kid had presented them with the perfect solution. Then she had soberly lied and told Amy that, yes, her mummy was dead.

Charlie had never had the guts to disabuse her of the notion. His mother had been right; it had been an easy solution at the time. Even though he’d had to search the county’s cemetery records to find a grave with the same bloody name when Amy had asked at age ten if she could take flowers for her mother. It had been excruciating, standing by the grave of some other R. Jones and watching his little girl put flowers there and tell her mummy what had happened at school that week. He’d felt like the worst scumbag on earth.

That was the trouble with lies: they always came back and bit you in the arse eventually.

He knew for a fact that over the years Amy had excused his lack of meaningful relationships, his need for solitude, and his moody silences as chronic grief. That was Amy; she could always take something dark and weave it into a bright shiny ideal just by deciding it was the way things should be. Charlie wished he found it so easy to put such a spin on life. The romantic fantasy that Amy had manifested had satisfied her enough that she hadn’t pressed Charlie for details about Rachel; she didn’t want to cause him pain. That was his girl.

If only she knew, he thought, his face contorting into a wry grimace. Charlie had never had the guts to shatter Amy’s illusions about him. An act of cowardice that he was only just beginning to realise had been a big, no, a huge mistake.

There had been other women over the years; he wasn’t a monk. He had never taken any of them home – didn’t want Amy to meet them, and didn’t want them involved with her. So, all he had managed was to establish few brief liaisons that had fizzled out quicker than a damp match. He could honestly say that overall it didn’t bother him. It wasn’t as if his track record with women would stand up to much scrutiny. Something of the kiss of death had followed him where partners were concerned.

Not that Rachel was dead, far from it, though there had been times over the years that he’d wished she were. How much simpler it would have been to just grieve her loss in the same way he had grieved for Patsy, but from behind the bars of a different kind of prison.

Then again, his relationship with Patsy had been much simpler. She had been another one, a woman who couldn’t take him as he was, but at least Patsy hadn’t felt the need to save him from himself like most women did. Why did they always have a desire to save him, when the only thing he’d ever needed saving from was them? Patsy had wanted many things, money mostly. It had taken her death for him to realise that she’d never wanted him at all.

Rachel was the only one who had ever accepted him unchanged, or so he’d thought at the time. That was why hers had been the biggest betrayal of them all. He almost laughed aloud, stopping himself before he disturbed Rachel.

Any chance that anyone had of saving him was so far in the past they’d need a TARDIS to get to it. Perhaps what those women had always said would prove to be true after all. He would die a lonely old man.

If Amy ever found out about Rachel, he was certain of it.

***

Rachel pretended to sleep, trying desperately to relax so that she would look more convincing to Charlie.

Anything to avoid having to talk to him.

All she wanted to do was to get back to the flat, Lila’s flat. Then she could shut the past out again and go back to the half-life where she had hidden safely for years. An impossible feat now that the biggest part of her past was sitting right next to her, about to invade the only sanctuary she had. What would he make of her existence? Maybe he would be shocked to see the way she lived, just a wistful ghost haunting another woman’s life.

Nothing in the flat had been changed since the day Lila had died. Not a thing. Even the dust just recirculated and settled back exactly where it had come from. Lila’s clothes still hung in the wardrobe, her perfume still sat on the dressing table, her rings remained on the mantelpiece – all as if she had just stepped out of the room. The furniture was exactly as Lila had placed it, still hiding the bald spots on the rugs and covering the stains. Rachel had preserved it all. Like a more sanitary Miss Havisham, she had conserved Lila’s existence in an eternal tableau of fond memories.

There was no bitterness in her desire to maintain Lila’s home intact, just a need to hang onto something old, familiar and warm. Lila’s flat was a home in the way that The Limes never had been, or could have been. Lila had been happy in her London flat, away from her dysfunctional family and all that had come with it. Rachel tried relentlessly to preserve that happiness, constantly hoping that the essence of it would magically transfer itself to her one day.

The flat was her bolthole, her sanity. To someone else it would look precisely the opposite. Hard evidence of her instability. Proof of her inability to cope with real life. Would anybody else understand that if you could force time to stand still and preserve a perfect moment of tranquillity that you could step in and out of that place at will?

Lila (or strictly speaking Lilian) Porter had been the polar opposite of her brother. From what little she’d been told about her father, Rachel had deduced that where William had been dull, Lila had been a bright beacon of life. Where he had been mean-spirited, she had been generous to a fault. Where William had resented, Lila had embraced. In Lila’s company, everyone felt alive. Even Valerie had grudgingly liked her, until Lila had died and had left everything to Rachel. After that Valerie hadn’t liked anyone much.

Frances had needled Rachel to sell the flat – it was London real estate, worth a small fortune. Life-changing in the right hands. Valerie hadn’t thought that Rachel’s were remotely the right hands. Rachel had measured wealth differently and had hung onto the flat even though her decision had been one of the issues that had permanently damaged the family ties. The other issue she still couldn’t, and wouldn’t, talk about.

Ever.

Chapter 8

Delia tried Charlie’s mobile number and listened to the dull uninspiring voice on the message service for the umpteenth time. There was no point in leaving yet another message; he hadn’t bothered to pick up the last three. Why the bloody hell did people bother having mobile phones if they were always going to leave the bloody things switched off?!

In frustration, she slammed her own phone hard on the table, dislodging the battery cover in the process and sending it skipping over the tabletop and onto the floor. ‘Sod it!’ she hissed, bending to retrieve it and groaning at the stiffness in her back. She couldn’t be bothered to fiddle with it to reattach it to the body of the phone, damned thing.

A horrible sensation was unfurling in her gut, an instinct that something was about to go horribly wrong. Charlie was incommunicado and Rachel bloody Porter was back on the scene. Adding two and two together she was coming up with nothing other than four, no matter how hard she tried to make it five. If she was right and he was with Rachel, they might well have another dead body on their hands by the time she caught up with him and throttled him for his foolishness. She was too old for all this, and so was Charlie. He was a bloody idiot where that girl was concerned, always had been, always would be.

Delia just had to hope that Rachel wasn’t as big an idiot. If she was, then God help them all.

***

By the time Ratcliffe and Angie reached the hospital that evening, having been told that Frances had been woken, she had lost consciousness again.