Diana Jones - Archer’s Goon

First published by Methuen Children’s Books Ltd in 1984

First published in paperback by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2000

HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd,

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

The HarperCollins Children’s Books website address is

www.harpercollins.co.uk

Text copyright © Diana Wynne Jones 1984

Illustrations by Paul Hess 2000

All rights reserved.

Diana Wynne Jones and Paul Hess assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780006755272

Ebook Edition © June 2019 ISBN: 9780008116705

Version: 2019-06-17

To Fiona

Cover

Title Page

Copyright First published by Methuen Children’s Books Ltd in 1984 First published in paperback by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2000 HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd, HarperCollins Publishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF The HarperCollins Children’s Books website address is www.harpercollins.co.uk Text copyright © Diana Wynne Jones 1984 Illustrations by Paul Hess 2000 All rights reserved. Diana Wynne Jones and Paul Hess assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively. A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Source ISBN: 9780006755272 Ebook Edition © June 2019 ISBN: 9780008116705 Version: 2019-06-17

Dedication To Fiona

Author’s Note AUTHOR’S NOTE This book will prove the following ten facts: 1 A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there. 2 Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch. 3 All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 4 When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, the result is a family fight. 5 Music does not always soothe the troubled breast. 6 An Englishman’s home is his castle. 7 The female of the species is more deadly than the male. 8 One black eye deserves another. 9 Space is the final frontier, and so is the sewage farm. 10 It pays to increase your word power.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Keep Reading …

About the Author

Books by Diana Wynne Jones

About the Publisher

This book will prove the following ten facts:

1 A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.

2 Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.

3 All power corrupts, but we need electricity.

4 When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, the result is a family fight.

5 Music does not always soothe the troubled breast.

6 An Englishman’s home is his castle.

7 The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

8 One black eye deserves another.

9 Space is the final frontier, and so is the sewage farm.

10 It pays to increase your word power.

The trouble started the day Howard came home from school to find the Goon sitting in the kitchen. It was Fifi who called him the Goon. Fifi was a student who lived in their house and got them tea when their parents were out. When Howard pushed Awful into the kitchen and slammed the door after them both, the first person he saw was Fifi, sitting on the edge of a chair, fidgeting nervously with her striped scarf and her striped leg warmers.

“Thank goodness you’ve come at last!” Fifi said. “We seem to have somebody’s Goon. Look.”

Howard looked the way Fifi’s chin jerked and saw the Goon sitting in a chair by the dresser. He was filling most of the rest of the kitchen with long legs and huge boots. It was a knack the Goon had. The Goon’s head was very small, and his feet were enormous. Howard’s eyes travelled up a yard or so of tight faded jeans, jerked to a stop for a second at the knife with which the Goon was cleaning the dirty nails of his vast hands, and then travelled on over an old leather jacket to the little, round fair head in the distance. The little face looked half-daft.

Howard was in a bad mood anyway. That was Awful’s fault. Awful had made him meet her coming out of school because, as she said, he was her big brother and supposed to look after her. When Howard got there, there was Awful racing out of the gates, chased by twenty angry little girls. Awful was shouting, “My big brother’s here to hit you! Hit them, Howard!” Howard did not know what Awful had done to the other little girls, but knowing Awful, he suspected it was something bad. He objected to being used as Awful’s secret weapon, but he did not feel he could let her down. He swung his bag menacingly, hoping that would frighten the little girls off. But there were so many of them and they were so angry that it had ended by being quite a fight. And the little girls called names. It was being called names that had put Howard in a bad mood. And now he came home to find it full of Goon.

He banged his bag down on the kitchen table. The Goon did not look up. “Who is he supposed to be?” Howard asked Fifi.

Fifi jittered nervously. “He just walked in and sat there,” she said. “He says he’s from Archer, whoever that is.”

Howard was big for his age. On the other hand, so was the Goon big for whatever age he was. And the Goon had that knife. Howard thumped his bag on the table again. “Well, he can just go away,” he said. It did not come out as fierce as he had hoped.

Here Awful put her word in. “You go away, Goon,” she said. “Howard’s bag’s covered with the blood of little girls.”