Joan Johnston - Sisters Found

“Jake doesn’t suffer fools gladly,” Rabb said.

“I know,” Amanda said, managing a wobbling smile. “I don’t know as much as I’d like to about him, but I do know that.”

“And he has a soft spot for Hope Butler,” Rabb said.

“It seems so.” She was engaged to a man she admired, and soon they would be married. But there were issues they hadn’t discussed.

One of them was Hope.

Even a blind man could see the girl was infatuated with Jake. Oh, he’d pointedly ignored her all afternoon. Until that cowboy had flirted a little too much and Jake had jumped in to save her. So maybe he hadn’t been quite as unaware of Hope as he’d pretended. What did that mean? Anything?

Amanda felt tears stinging her nose again. If only Jake hadn’t ruined her beautiful gazebo. She loved that silly, impractical structure. She’d planted morning glories all around, and they’d grown through the lattice, creating a cool, sweet-smelling haven when she’d wanted to be alone to think. Now lattice and greenery alike had been ravaged by the fight between her fiancé and one of his drunken hired hands over another woman.

Another woman. She found it hard to think of Hope Butler as a woman. She’d taught Hope in high school, and Amanda still remembered chastising the girl for being late to class, for popping bubble gum, for a dozen other infractions, none of which had kept Hope from getting an A in her class. Hope was smart and she did her work.

The Hope Butler who’d turned up today was trying to look and act like someone much older. And not doing it well.

Amanda surveyed her gazebo and sighed. “I think I’ll take you up on that offer, Rabb. That is, if you let me pay you.”

“There’ll be no charge.”

“I can’t let you do that,” she protested.

“Then I’ll take it out in trade.”

She raised an eyebrow and he continued. “I’ll come by after church tomorrow, and you can make me lunch.”

Amanda smiled. “Done. I’m a good cook. What would you like to have?”

“Meat loaf and mashed potatoes.”

At that moment, Jake appeared at her shoulder, and she realized she was making plans to have a single man other than her fiancé over for supper. His brother, no less.

“Uh, Jake, would you like to join Rabb and me for supper tomorrow?”

“I promised my brother Colt and his wife that I’d take care of their two kids for the next two weeks, while they take a vacation. It’s the last chance they’ll have to be alone before their third child is born. You two want to come over and join me?” Jake asked.

“No,” Amanda said quickly. She was afraid she’d said it too quickly. She didn’t want Jake thinking she didn’t enjoy his company. It was the kids she wanted to avoid. The same aversion to responsibility that had kept her from committing herself to a husband, had also made her leery of kids. She’d had enough of caretaking to last her a lifetime.

Maybe someday she would want children of her own, but she’d spent too many years changing diapers for her mother to want that kind of obligation again anytime soon. She’d loved her mother and, given the choice again, she would make the same sacrifice. But she wouldn’t have been human if there hadn’t been days when she resented the restrictions her mother’s illness had placed on her life.

Now that she could make a choice, was it any wonder she wanted her life to stay as carefree as possible? Was it so wrong to want to make up for those long years when freedom had been impossible?

“If you don’t mind,” she said. “I’d really like to get my gazebo repaired as soon as possible.”

“I’d offer to fix it for you,” Jake said, “but I know Rabb’s a better carpenter.”

The two men exchanged a look that Amanda couldn’t decipher.

“When will we see each other again?” Amanda asked Jake.

“As a matter of fact, I’d like some time alone with you now, if that’s all right,” Jake said.

The two men exchanged another look that Amanda found equally perplexing, before Rabb turned to her and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Amanda.”

“Thanks, Rabb. See you then.”

A moment later he was gone, and she was alone with Jake.

It was ridiculous to feel awkward being alone with her fiancé. They were getting married in two weeks. Jake would be entitled to all sorts of intimacies then. As would she.

Amanda looked at Jake, wondering what it would feel like to have his hands on her naked flesh. It was as though her thoughts had conjured action. Because Jake took a step and drew her into his embrace.

She barely managed to keep herself from stiffening as she felt his hips pressing against hers. Even so, she pushed at his shoulders and leaned back enough to look into his eyes.

“What happened today?” she asked.

He averted his gaze. “He was my hired hand. It was my responsibility to keep him in line.”

“Hmm.” She raised a hand to brush at a lock of black hair that had fallen over his forehead. “What about that trip upstairs with Hope? Is it your job to keep her in line, too?”

He brought his gaze back to bear on her, and she felt her heart clench at the tortured look in his eyes.

“That girl gets under my skin,” he admitted. “She’s a nuisance. That’s all. She’s promised to keep her distance from now on.”

“Until the wedding? Or afterward, too?”

He lifted a brow. “Are you jealous of her? You don’t need to be. You’re the one I’m marrying.”

Amanda felt doubt niggling at her, but she wasn’t sure how far she wanted to push Jake. He’d never said he loved her. But she’d never said the words to him, either. It had just been…understood.

“Kiss me, Jake,” she said. Make me feel loved. Reassure me that we’re doing the right thing.

His mouth came down on hers an instant later, hard and demanding. His hand rose to cup her breast, but she pressed herself harder against him, making it difficult for him to touch her. His hand slid down between them, across her abdomen, and her body tensed as she waited for his touch.

Before he reached his destination, she shoved hard at his chest and broke free. They were both breathing hard. His eyes glittered with…desperation.

Amanda shuddered. “Oh, God,” she said. “What are we doing?”

She stared at Jake, waiting for an answer.

“I thought you wanted this. I thought you wanted us to make love. You’ve put it off all this time. I thought you were finally ready.”

She shook her head. “No.” Another breath shuddered out of her. “Not like this.”

“Like what?” he said.

She searched his face, finding it devoid of any emotion. His eyes were shuttered, his features remote. “Do you love me, Jake?”

She was startled by the question. Strangely, she’d never asked it before. And she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.

“I respect you. I admire you. I think you’ll make a good wife.”

She smiled sadly. “I see.” She waited for him to inquire about her feelings for him. She wasn’t sure what she would have said. But he never asked.

He was a very attractive man. He’d proved he could be faithful to a wife, even though his wife had left him in the end. He was a successful cattle rancher, well-respected in the community. He had a large and loving family. He was perfect husband material.

Amanda just couldn’t seem to embrace the physical part of their relationship. She’d liked his kisses…at first. And aside from one disastrous incident a year ago, he’d never pressed her for more. But she couldn’t seem to get past the barriers that had grown over the three years they’d been engaged.

“I wish I had more experience,” she said lamely. She had slept with only one boy, although slept was the wrong word. Her one experience with sex had been quick and unsatisfying and she’d never wanted to repeat it. She wondered if Jake suspected how naive she was. She’d been putting off the moment when she shared her body with him, telling herself that it was better—for a lot of reasons—to save intimacy for marriage.