Ann Aguirre - The Shape Of My Heart

Max sat down beside me. “Wow, your hair was so long.”

Cliché, but I’d hacked it all off after Eli died, donated it to Locks of Love. Even before he asked me out, I’d known that ending was a possibility...but I’d loved him anyway—with everything I had. Other people in our situation got miracles. Why not us? Risk it all, right, Eli? Dance like nobody’s watching. I pushed out a breath, hating the tightness in my chest. So many years later, and it never got easier.

“Yeah.”

Something about my tone must’ve tipped him off because his gaze snapped to my face. “Shit. Are you crying?”

“Maybe a little. I need to get to bed.” I tried to stand up, but Max wouldn’t let me.

His arm circled my shoulders, pulling me into his side. “Talk to me. If you shut me out, I’ll feel like we’re not actually friends. And then how I am supposed to feel about asking you to do this with me?”

That was fucking low, but I admired emotional sophistry. Wiping my eyes, I flipped to the next photo. “This was my high school boyfriend.”

“It didn’t work out?”

“He died.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I had no idea or I wouldn’t have—”

“No, it’s okay. I can’t break down just because someone asks to see an old prom picture.” I swallowed hard, unable to breathe for a few seconds.

I had no idea why it was hitting me so hard tonight, but the hole was right there, bigger than ever. When he’d gone, Eli left a chasm in the middle of my heart, probably because we were best friends first. So I’d lost the love of my life and my closest friend on the same day. To this day, when I heard the flatline from a hospital TV show, my throat closed up. Too clearly I remembered how it felt to have his fingers cool in mine while the nurses tried to pull me away.

Gouging at my eyes with the heels of my hands, I thrust my phone at Max. “Here. Look at whatever you want.”

“Are you serious?” He put it on the small table and drew me into his arms. “I don’t care about the pictures. Right now I’m all about you.”

His sweetness broke me down, and I cried into his shoulder. It had been years since I’d done this. Maybe it was the funeral? Max rubbed my back until I settled down. As I sat back, he swept the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. His gaze was so dark, intent, that I had no idea what he was thinking.

He’s thinking about kissing you , Eli said.

Oh, my God, shut up .

Seriously, it hasn’t been that long. You remember that look.

But this is Max. He’s just a friend.

Eli’s laugh echoed in my head. Yeah, well, so was I. Until I wasn’t anymore.

Unsettled, I pulled back. “Sorry. I think I’m just tired.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Not really. But that was unfair, given how much he’d confided in me. And I’d told Nadia, so... I nodded. “It’s not much of a story, but... I grew up with Eli. We played in sandboxes together, plotted world domination over juice boxes. When I grew boobs, he asked me out.”

“What happened to him?”

“He was sick a lot,” I said hoarsely. “Leukemia, multiple remissions. Our senior year, he wasn’t strong enough for another round of chemo. He died of secondary complications when I was seventeen.” That was such a clinical way to describe watching him getting weaker and weaker, until his face was all hospital pallor and electric blue eyes. At the end, his hands felt so frail in mine, bony fingers and parchment skin.

“I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have asked you to come with me if I’d known.”

“Don’t be stupid. Everyone’s lost somebody. It’s not like I’ll never attend another funeral again because I went to Eli’s. I’m happy you’re letting me be there for you.”

“Likewise,” he whispered.

I let him tip my head against his shoulder. Max locked his arms around me, settling like he planned to sleep this way. For a minute, I considered it, but I’d be stupid to risk a crick in my neck when there was a bed in the next room. So I pushed against his chest.

“Not that this emotional catharsis wasn’t completely awesome, but it’s been a long day.”

“Okay. G’night, then.” Maybe it was my imagination but I thought I spied a flicker of...something as I pulled away. Disappointment?

No. What’s wrong with you? Everything was weird in Providence without Angus and Nadia to make Max and me feel normal together. Dammit, Eli. Now you’ve got me seeing stuff that isn’t there.

I picked up my backpack, and his faint sigh reached me as I got to the doorway. I couldn’t deny the sense of unfinished business. “You want to sleep with me?”

Usually, at this point, Max would make a joke about how we were never, ever having sex. I didn’t turn around.

“Would it be weird if I said yes?”

“It’s fine, come on.”

Like the night before, I used the bathroom first and got in bed before Max. This time, however, there was only one bed; as promised, the mattress was amazing. Since there was a club nearby, it was probably louder on the weekend, but tonight, the place was fine. I burrowed in and rolled over on my side so it didn’t look like I was watching for Max. Tension crackled in my nerves, and it was an odd, anticipatory feeling.

Nobody’s getting laid tonight, okay? That’s not what this is about.

Eventually he came out and crawled in the other side. It had been a while since I’d slept with anyone, and if I leveled with myself, I missed it. Max edged toward me until our backs touched. The careful tenderness of it made me smile.

“That okay?”

“Yeah.” I liked listening to him breathe in the dark. Such a small thing, but lovely.

“Can I ask you something? It’s personal and might be stupid.”

“Go for it. I’m sure I’ll survive.” It couldn’t be worse than stuff my parents came up with.

“Have you always been bi? Or is that because...Eli...” He fumbled the question, but I suspected I knew where he was trying to go.

I laughed softly. That was dumb, yes, but cute. “Yeah. It’s not because he died and I’ll never love another man, so therefore only women are left to me as romantic options.”

“You must think I’m an idiot.” The bed shifted, and I snuck a peek to catch him burying his face in his pillow as if in embarrassment.

“It’s not the worst question I’ve been asked, trust me.”

“Is it...superdifferent?” At the moment, Max might set the bedding on fire with hot awkwardness, but I could tell he was honestly curious, not perving on the idea of me with a girl.

“The energy’s much different with a woman, yeah. But sex can be good or bad either way. I’ve been with women who expected me to do all the heavy lifting and men who didn’t know where to touch. For me, it’s all a head game anyway. My partner has to get me going intellectually before I want to fuck.”

“You’re definitely not shallow.”

“I can’t be,” I said quietly. “I know what I bring to the table, and it’s not a pretty face or a perfect body. Therefore, I value other assets and...I work with what I’ve got.”

He was quiet for a few seconds. “I think maybe Eli was the luckiest guy in the world.”

“Why?”

“Because you loved him.”

B ecause you loved him.

As I put on the black dress again, I heard Max’s whisper again in my head. Eli was silent. I toweled my hair since the dryer wasn’t working, then I daubed on some make-up, subdued for the occasion. My hair looked strange, but I hadn’t packed any product, so I smoothed it down as best I could and clipped the over-long bangs out of my face with a plain barrette.