Louise Allen - Regency Surrender - Passion And Rebellion

‘I—’

‘No, Nathan. Don’t you see? If we hadn’t both been trying to conceal some aspect of our lives, we would never have got together at all. There were too many obstacles. Too much hurt and suspicion on both sides. The way we got together was the only way it could have happened.’

‘But—’

‘But none of the things that would have kept us apart mattered one jot when we became lovers, Nathan, and don’t you dare try to say they did! We were just a man and a woman, rekindling a love we’d both mourned as lost. And it was a deeper, more meaningful love than the naïve, tentative relationship we started the first time round. Because we were both free to spend every moment with each other, untramelled by chaperons, or restrictions imposed by class. You cannot give up on it, just because you’ve found out I’m wealthy. It’s...stupid. And I know exactly how stupid because I did it first. I rebuffed you in just such a welter of suspicion that you are suffering from now. And I’ve spent the last few weeks working out that I’d been wrong to cast you as the villain of the tragedy I endured as a girl. You were as much a victim as I was.’

‘That was then,’ he growled. ‘This is different,’ he said harshly, spinning round so abruptly that it knocked her hand from his shoulder.

‘No, it isn’t,’ she said firmly. ‘We fell in love with each other in Paris and that hasn’t gone away. It cannot. Ten years and gallons of suspicion weren’t able to drown it. The moment we set eyes on each other again, neither of us could rest until we’d come together, in the fullest sense possible.’

‘It is no use, though,’ he said. ‘It cannot work.’

‘Of course it can work. It worked in Paris, didn’t it? So we can make it work again. If I can forgive you for believing the worst of me, if I can believe that you never proposed to me because you secretly wanted to gain control of my money, if I can stop fearing the loss of my independence, then surely you can see that I am not going to try to control you either? I know I wasn’t completely frank with you when we first met in Paris, but surely you can see I’m nothing like Lucasta? I want to marry you because I love you. You, Nathan. The man you are. I don’t want you to become something else. I don’t want to mould you, or push you, or treat you like a puppet by pulling your strings. I just want to make you happy.’

‘And what of all your money? What of that?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Doesn’t matter!’ He made an angry, impatient gesture. ‘I have my pride, you know. In fact, it’s about damn near all I do have left.’

‘No, it isn’t. You have my heart, too. It’s yours whether you want it or not. And there’s nothing else of any value at all. Without your love, my life is completely empty. Hollow. Money cannot fulfil me.’

She stepped right up to him and grabbed his lapels. ‘I made a mistake leaving you behind in Paris. As soon as I got back here, I saw that without you, I will only ever just...exist. I have been so lonely without you. I need you to be...my companion. My soulmate. Nathan, marry me. Make my life worth living again.’

‘I am not the man to make any woman’s life worth living,’ he said bitterly. ‘All my life, people have been telling me that. And I’ve proved it. My first marriage failed—’

‘Because you didn’t love each other. You married for all the wrong reasons. Marry for the right ones this time. Because you want a companion and a soulmate. Someone to complete you and make your life worth living.’

He took a breath as though about to say something. Closed his mouth. Shook his head. ‘It’s no use. I was just chasing a dream. Paris was—’

‘Paris was a taste of what we could have, if we both trust in the love we found there. When you learned that I hadn’t been an unmarried mother, that I hadn’t tried to deceive you, I saw the pain etched into your features fade away. And I became a better person when I was with you, too. The anger I’d carried around for so long, like a shield, melted away. I thought that lowering it would make me vulnerable. Instead, it freed me to be myself. And that was the person you loved. The real Amethyst. The one I’d never suspected I could be. It wasn’t the girl you knew all those years ago. It was someone I’d become as a result of all I’ve been through. Just as you’d changed from the boy who swept me off my feet, then broke my heart. You’d grown into a man. A man who’d suffered, and sinned, then finally found a path you could walk with your head held high.

‘Money didn’t come into it. Reputation didn’t matter either. It was who we were when we were together that was important. The fact that we made each other happy.’

‘You are right,’ he said slowly, ‘in that we did make each other happy. But...this is all wrong. A woman doesn’t propose to a man.’

‘Well, perhaps a woman should, especially if she’s been silly enough to turn down a man’s proposal so many times it’s made him give up hope. Should we both suffer for the rest of our lives because I was too scared to dare believe you really felt something for me? Or because you let my wealth stand between us?’

His hands went to her hips.

‘Amy, you are so wealthy you could have any man you wanted. You can’t possibly want to throw yourself away on a wretch like me...’

‘I don’t want any other man. I’ve never wanted any other man. For some reason, you are the only one who makes me think of kissing and being held, and taking my clothes off and wrapping myself around you.’

‘Amy...’ He groaned. ‘What am I going to do with you?’

‘Love me, Nathan. That’s all I want from you.’

‘I do love you,’ he said. ‘You’re right. It is you...you as you are now that I love, but...’

She didn’t let him continue with his protests. She stood on tiptoe, plunged her fingers into his hair and kissed him.

With a groan, he surrendered. He returned the kiss with interest, holding her so tightly that breathing soon became difficult.

Eventually, she had to tear her lips away, just to breathe.

But when she looked into his face, it was to see doubt and misery lingering beneath the passion.

‘Very well,’ she said. ‘I can see that marriage is too big a step for you to take. So I will just have to be content with living with you, as your mistress.’

‘No! I won’t demean you by making you sink that low. You’ve already suffered enough on my account. The last thing I want is to embroil you in a scandal.’

‘It might be a bit too late to avoid it,’ she admitted. ‘On the way here I informed the most determined gossip in the county that I’m going to run away with you. If you don’t want to ruin my reputation beyond all hope of redemption, you’re going to have to marry me. And if,’ she said, lifting her chin defiantly, ‘you really can’t stomach the prospect of having another wealthy wife, then I can give it all away.’

‘What? No—I’d never ask you to do that. It wouldn’t be right.’

‘I would gladly give it away if it would mean winning you. Nathan, can’t you see that it doesn’t matter? Any more than your reputation matters?’

‘You are really ready to give everything away and ally yourself to a man whose reputation is just about as sordid as it can be?’

She nodded, her eyes solemn. ‘That’s why I’ve just destroyed my own reputation. So that it makes us even.’

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. ‘Amy, telling one woman, in a small market town in the middle of nowhere, that you’re going to run off with what she thinks is a penniless artist hardly compares with the stink I created in society.’

‘I will put that picture of me naked up for sale in the auction rooms, then,’ she declared defiantly. ‘In my father’s parish.’