Anne Herries - The Regency Season - Hidden Desires

‘I dare say he is still too upset to think clearly.’

‘It is almost as if he blames me...’

‘No, how could he? No one could blame you, Lucy.’

‘No—and yet Paul does blame me for something.’ Lucy blinked hard. ‘Oh, I do not want to talk about any of it. It is all too horrible. I wish we could go away somewhere. I can hardly bear to be near Ravenscar and know...’ She smothered a sob.

‘You will feel better soon, dearest.’

‘Shall I?’ Lucy looked at her in disbelief. ‘I feel that my whole life is ruined.’

‘You must try, Lucy. In a few days people will stop talking about the tragedy and you will be at peace.’

Lucy shook her head, but they had arrived at Lucy’s home. As they got down, Lady Dawlish emerged from her husband’s carriage and came to meet them.

‘Thank goodness that is all over,’ she said. ‘You may change out of that gown now, Lucy my dear. I shall not ask you to wear black again. Your father and I have discussed what is right and proper and he agrees that pale grey or lilac is sufficient.’

‘Thank you, Mama,’ Lucy said and dabbed at her cheek with a lace kerchief. ‘I wish we might go away. I feel so distressed by all this...’

‘Well, we shall think about it,’ her mama said. ‘Your papa is not certain of what would be right for we should not wish to appear uncaring—but I do not wish to see my darling girl in such despair. We could not go to London and balls will be out of the question for some months, but we might visit Bath, perhaps.’

‘Oh, Mama, if we could I should feel so much better,’ Lucy declared.

‘Well, we shall see in a week or two,’ her mother said and patted her cheek. ‘Now run along in and change, my dears. There is nothing to stop you and Jenny walking or riding as usual—and some music in the house might be pleasant. I am sorely grieved for the family, but I see no point in dwelling on something that cannot be changed. However, you must do as you wish, Lucy—for I would not push you into anything you did not like.’

Lucy thanked her and smiled at Jenny. ‘We must change and then we can go for a long walk together. I feel as if I need some air after being indoors all day.’

‘You will not leave the gardens this evening,’ Lady Dawlish said. ‘Time enough for long walks tomorrow, dearest—and then you will take a maid with you, if you please. We must not forget there may be a dangerous man at large.’

Lucy did not argue. Instead she took Jenny by the arm and they went up the stairs together.

* * *

In her room Jenny submitted to the ministrations of her maid and then chose a gown of dark blue. It had lilac tones in the stripes and she did not consider herself to be in mourning; much as she felt for Mark’s family she could not grieve, as Lucy did. Instead, she felt sad for those who had loved him. His brother was in such pain, as were his cousins. She would not forget Adam’s face as he held his dying cousin, but she believed he had conquered his grief, letting anger take over. All his thoughts now would be concentrated on discovering the culprit and in that he was fortunate. Lucy had only regrets and could do nothing to help.

Jenny was upset with herself for not being quicker when she’d seen the intruder. She ought to have run straight back to Adam and told him what she’d seen. Perhaps then the killer might already have been caught.

Hallam had been very annoyed with her, but Adam had been more understanding. She knew that he was very angry over the whole affair and was disappointed with herself for letting him down.

Jenny shook her head. Adam Miller was occupying too much of her thoughts of late. With each meeting her feelings had grown warmer and she thought she liked him very well indeed. Enough to entertain thoughts of what might possibly come to be in the future. Yet she knew it was foolish to hope for more than friendship.

Even if Adam were kindly disposed to her—and his words on several occasions had seemed to indicate it—he might soon change his mind if he knew that rather than the poor dependent he thought her, she was actually a despised heiress. She was not yet certain how much her inheritance amounted to, for although her lawyer had told her she had no need to worry he might think a mere competence sufficient for her needs—especially as she was at liberty to live either with her kind friends or her uncle. If she wished to set up her own establishment and employ a companion, she might yet find herself unable to pay her way.

She wished that she had not allowed Adam to think her in difficulties at the start, though in London he’d seemed so very arrogant and she’d initially found it amusing that he’d taken pity on her because he thought her helpless and in some distress.

She had soon learned to admire him. After witnessing the emotions he’d undergone when his cousin fell dying into his arms, she’d come to realise what kind of a man he truly was and, in the following days, she had learned to appreciate his qualities.

That he had some liking for her was evident, but that did not necessarily mean he was interested in her as anything other than a friend. Jenny bit her bottom lip. If she allowed herself to like Mr Miller too much she would be a foolish girl. And now she must hurry for she did not wish to keep Lucy waiting.

* * *

‘I am so thankful that business is over,’ Lucy said, taking Jenny’s arm as they walked in the cool of the evening air. ‘It was such an ordeal and I do not think I could have borne it without you.’

‘I am sorry I was not there when you looked for me.’

‘Oh...it was only that Lord Ravenscar was so kind to me. I could hardly keep from weeping. He told me that Mark had bought me a pearl necklace and a beautiful emerald-and-diamond ring. He says that they are mine and he will send them to me another day. I did not know how to answer him for I would rather not receive them.’

‘But he gives them because Mark wanted you to have them,’ Jenny said. ‘What else is he to do with them? And they were meant for you.’

‘I should not have had them had we postponed the wedding,’ Lucy said and flushed. ‘It makes me feel that I have them under false pretences, Jenny.’

‘Yes, I see how you must feel,’ Jenny said. ‘But you must consider Lord Ravenscar’s feelings. If you refuse them, he may be hurt.’

‘I suppose so. I could never wear them...’ Lucy sighed. ‘Why did it have to happen, Jenny? Who could hate Mark so much that he would kill him?’

‘I do not know,’ Jenny replied and felt awkward because she was obliged to keep what she did know a secret. ‘I believe Adam and Hallam may have some clues, but we shall know more when they manage to apprehend the culprit.’

‘I pray they will do so,’ Lucy said and then lifted her head. ‘I shall say nothing more of this. Let us speak of Bath. If only Papa will let us go, it will be such a relief.’

‘Yes, I agree with you. I have been in mourning for my father, as you know, and I should like to buy some new clothes.’

Lucy seized on the temporary escape from gloom. ‘Have you thought of what colours you would like?’

‘I think I should like a ballgown of peach or flame, also evening gowns of emerald green and royal blue, which is always a favourite—and a yellow muslin for mornings. You had a pretty one in town, which I admired. I thought the style became you very well. I do like the puffed sleeves and also the leg of mutton that is popular for day wear.’

‘I like puffed sleeves best of all,’ Lucy agreed. ‘I know the dress you mean. It does suit me. I was wearing that the morning Paul asked me to save him a dance at the ball...’ She flushed. ‘Everyone always thinks Mark was better at everything than his brother, but it isn’t true. Paul waltzes divinely—and he loves poetry. He can quote lines from my favourite poems...’