She was still angry.
But she said nothing. She said nothing at all while Leon and April signed the paperwork. Paperwork that didn’t include Rose, because why would it? She wasn’t a parent to this child. She was only Leon’s wife. Why would she matter at all?
“Thank you,” April said, her tone hushed. “This isn’t my proudest moment.”
Rose didn’t care at all about the other woman’s pride. She found herself short on sympathy.
Leon did not seem to suffer a similar affliction. “You’re doing what you think is best,” he said. “You should be proud of that.”
The other woman tilted her head. “You seem different,” April said. “Not that we know each other all that well.”
“I stopped drinking,” he said, his tone grave.
“Maybe that’s it.”
Then April turned her focus to Rose. And Rose really wished she hadn’t. Rose would rather disappear into the ornate wood paneling on the wall. She wanted to hate the other woman. But when she saw the exhaustion in her eyes, a deep sadness that her flippant I don’t want this tried to disguise, she simply couldn’t. “I’m sorry,” April said, her words directed at Rose.
“There isn’t anything to be sorry for,” Rose said, surprised by the fact that she meant them at least a little bit. “Leon has to answer for his own actions—you don’t. You didn’t make vows to me.”
“Well, I think he was trying to keep all of this away from you. But I didn’t feel right about putting her up for adoption without...”
“I understand. I’m glad that you came to us.” She wasn’t sure it was true. But it was the right thing to say.
Without another word, April and her lawyer walked out of the office. April didn’t look back again, not at Leon, not at Rose, and not at the child that was still safely buckled up in her car seat.
Rose felt like a small pink bomb had been detonated in the middle of them. They had been making things work. Things had been changing. Things had been different. But the simple fact was that no matter whether or not Leon could remember the past, the past existed. It was so tempting to believe that a clean slate was possible. That because his memories were changed, his actions had, as well. But this was incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.
“We don’t have any supplies for a baby,” Leon said finally, breaking the silence between them.
“That’s what you’re going to lead with?” Rose asked, hearing in her tone the fragile nature of her mental state.
“What do you want me to say? I have no memory of any of this. Obviously I knew about the child, Rose—I signed those documents. That is my signature. I signed away the rights to my child.”
“A child you had with another woman during our marriage.”
“Yes,” he said, his tone fierce. “Though it is no surprise to you that I was sleeping with other women.”
“It does surprise me,” she said, her voice rising along with the hysteria in her breast, “that you had a child with someone else. That’s quite the secret to keep.”
“I find I am more distressed by the fact that I clearly wanted nothing to do with Isabella.”
“Well, I imagine you wanted to avoid this scenario.”
“What kind of man does that?” Leon asked. “What kind of man pays a woman off to keep a child out of his life?”
“You,” Rose said, not caring if she was cruel. Not caring if her words cut. “Apparently you do.”
“I’m starting to think I know nothing about myself at all,” he said, his voice hollow.
But she didn’t feel sorry for him. She refused.
“The feeling is mutual,” she said.
Rose turned on her heel and stormed out of the office, doing what she knew was about the cruelest thing she could. She left Leon alone with his thoughts. And with his child.
* * *
Leon stared down at the sleeping baby in the car seat, emotions rolling through him like storm clouds, pressure building inside him. Who was he? What sort of man kept his wife ensconced in a manor house in the country, leaving her a virgin for two years while he lived his life as though she didn’t exist?
What sort of man brought a baby into the world and wrote an agreement making it completely clear he never wanted to see her?
He gathered from the paperwork that he had never set eyes on his daughter. He gathered he hadn’t even known the gender of the child.
Weariness stole through him, and a darkness rolled through him like clouds covering the sky.
What did you do when you found out you were a monster? Because he had to be a monster. There was no other explanation. Real men did not abandon their children like this. They did not pay to make their own flesh and blood go away.
He didn’t know if he had ever held a baby. He had certainly never held this one.
Suddenly, he found himself dropping down to his knees, his heart pounding so hard he could scarcely breathe. He looked at the little girl, sleeping there in the car seat. So tiny, so perfectly formed. Abandoned by the only parent she knew, brought to stay forever with the man who had signed her away as though she was an unwanted object he didn’t want cluttering up his home.
“I am sorry,” he said, his voice raw, strange. “I am sorry for the man I was. But I will not abandon you. Not now. I will fix this. I will be the father you deserve. I will be the man that both of you deserve.”
He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, sitting on the floor in front of her, simply staring. But eventually, she began to stir, a plaintive, high-pitched wail on her lips as she came fully awake. Her eyes open, bright blue, not at all what he expected, glaring at him as though he was her enemy. Then the tears started to fall down her angry red face and panic flooded through him.
He picked up the car seat, wincing as pain from his ribs shot through him.
He had to find someone. Anyone. He did not want to pick her up. He was afraid he would break her. He had no memory of how to hold a child. Perhaps he had never known how.
“Rose!” He made his way out of the office and through the halls. “Rose, I need you.”
Rose emerged from the library, her face pale, her eyes red.
“What is it?”
“The baby is crying.”
“Yes,” Rose said, crossing her arms, “she is.”
“I do not know what to do.”
Rose stayed right where she was, her feet planted firmly on the floor. “I’m not sure what you want me to do about it.”
“Help me.”
She still didn’t move. Then finally, as Isabella’s cries continued to fill the air, Rose’s expression softened. “I’m not going to help you. But I will help her.” She crossed the space between them, stopping in front of him. “Put her seat down.”
He complied, and then Rose knelt down, beginning to work the harness that kept the baby strapped in.
She undid the seat belt and plucked the baby up from the seat, cradling her tiny body close to her chest. It made something inside Leon’s own chest tighten. Made it almost impossible for him to breathe. There was something about all of this that was familiar and foreign at the same time. Something that filled him with a terrible sense of dread that made it feel as though his insides were slowly turning to ice.
He found himself completely rooted to the place he was standing. He couldn’t move forward. He couldn’t turn away.
“She might be hungry.” A tear slipped down Rose’s cheek and he despised himself. The two women in his life were here in front of him, weeping, and he could do nothing to stop any of it. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to comfort a baby, and he found himself somewhat terrified by the sight of her. He didn’t feel he deserved to try to offer comfort to Rose. Whom he had betrayed.
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