Portia MacIntosh - Bad Bridesmaid

‘Where did you hear that?’ his mum asks him.

‘I don’t know,’ he replies, fooling no one.

‘Max?’ my auntie asks her son’s partner in crime, but he’s frozen still and completely silent.

‘Josh, tell us where you heard that,’ my uncle demands, sounding angrier and angrier as he says each word.

Just keep your mouth shut, Josh. This will all blow over.

‘It’s Pulp Fiction,’ Mike says in an attempt to diffuse the situation. Little does he know, he has just sealed my fate.

‘Where have you seen…’ my auntie’s voice trails off as she turns to face me, this time her movements are slow and sinister. ‘You!’

My auntie points at me with her knife, and whether she just happens to have it in her hand or she’s actually planning to stab me, I decide not to take any chances and jump up from my seat. I move around the table as I try and explain.

‘You let my son watch a “fifteen” rated film,’ she shrieks as she tries to chase me around the table.

‘I think it’s an “eighteen”,’ Mike unhelpfully chimes in, which only makes my auntie angrier.

I’m too busy trying not to get stabbed to notice what everyone else in the room is making of this, but I know for sure that no one is doing anything to intervene.

‘It’s a classic,’ I reason.

‘A classic that’s full of swearing,’ my auntie yells.

‘It isn’t gratuitous swearing, it’s all in context,’ I insist.

‘Actually, I think it features over two hundred and sixty uses of the F word,’ Mike muses.

‘Piss off, Wikipedia,’ I snap, which provokes an unimpressed reaction from everyone in the room. Everyone but Belle, that is, who looks delighted that universal balance has been restored. Everyone hates me again.

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