Jackie Rose - Slim Chance

“He told me that he wants me to stop seeing other guys,” she sighed. So much for picking out wedding dresses together.

“Gee, what a surprise. What did you say?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“I told him to piss off and then let his best friend do body shots off my stomach.”

“Seriously, Morgan.”

“I said that he knew what I was all about when we got into this thing, and that I wasn’t really willing to date one guy exclusively—take it or leave it.”

“But you have been dating him exclusively. It’s not like you have someone else waiting in the wings,” I pointed out, pouring my third cup of coffee.

“I know, but he’s definitely not someone I want to get tied down to.”

“Why not?” Did she think getting tied down was a bad idea in general? Would she think I was making a bad choice?

Morgan sighed. “Evie, I’m sick of having this conversation with you. Why are you pushing me so hard about this?”

“Bruce asked me to marry him,” I blurted out.

Silence.

“And I threw up.”

More silence.

“Morgan?”

“We’ve been talking about Billy for ten minutes and now you tell me this? What the hell’s the matter with you?” she shrieked. “So old Brucie finally got around to it! I knew he would, you know. I knew it! I just had this feeling. I really did. Last week when you were talking about how you wanted to take a leave of absence in June as soon as Bruce finishes school and go trekking through South America for the summer and he just didn’t say anything. Aw, I knew it! It was either that or he was dumping you!”

I guess she realized then there might be a little more to the story. “You said yes, right?” she asked, in a much smaller voice.

“Of course I said yes. Why didn’t you tell me you suspected?” I snapped, relieved. It sounded like she thought it was a good idea. Morgan has always believed that I was meant for monogamy. She doesn’t think I have the emotional fortitude to handle dating more than one person. Know thyself, she says.

“Oh, come on. I can’t believe the thought hadn’t occurred to you. Tell me everything! Did you really throw up?”

“I did,” I said proudly, and told her the whole story. She particularly liked the part about me falling down on the train.

“It’s incredibly important to me that you think this is okay,” I admitted. The truth was, if she didn’t think it was a good idea, I’d almost be tempted to call the whole thing off, crazy as that might sound.

“Evie, you don’t need me to tell you that. It shouldn’t matter what I think, technically anyway. But I love Bruce, and I love you and I love the two of you together. You need each other. He wouldn’t know what to do without you. And you’re a much better person when you’re with him. And since you’re not breaking up anytime soon, you might as well tie the knot!”

“That’s exactly how I feel about it!” I knew she’d understand. “And I hope you know that this doesn’t mean things are going to change. We can still do all the things we planned, like our California road trip. Bruce doesn’t have to come.”

“You bitch!” Morgan laughed, impressed.

“Well, maybe we can all go together—you, me, Bruce and Billy.”

She snorted and said, “As long as they take a separate car.”

Morgan really is happy for me, which is good, since she’s the only one whose opinion counts. Whenever Bruce and I hit a rough spot, like when he wanted to get a cat, and I said I’d prefer to eat a cat, she knew just what to say to make me feel like I wasn’t being a bitch. There’s a very fine line between being right and being wrong, and Morgan helps me not to cross onto the wrong side. After all these years, she knows Bruce almost as well as I do, and isn’t afraid to point out what a jerk I can be, or how rare it is to find a guy you can trust.

Morgan’s a hell of a lot better at getting me to see the errors of my ways than my mom is, especially when Bruce and I are in a fight. Somehow, Mom has a way of getting Bruce to sound like medicine that’ll cure what’s wrong with me. It just makes me want to go home and flush him down the toilet.

Since I was still a little pissed off at her for last month’s whole therapy debacle (Cosmopolitan, August: “Does Your Mother Need Help? Tell It To Her Like It Is!”), and lest her reaction have the unanticipated side effect of me changing my mind, I thought I’d spare myself the trauma of a live scene and call her with the good news on speakerphone instead. I like secretly putting her on speaker. Bruce never used to believe me when she said something awful. At first he felt a bit guilty about it, but after he heard all the hideous things she says to me, he could no longer deny the pure entertainment value.

“Oh, Evelyn,” she sniffed, “I’m so happy for you.” Understatement of the century. She’s been dreaming about this moment for twenty-seven years. “I knew he’d get around to it eventually, but I was starting to wonder. It’s not like you’re getting any younger! Bruce are you there?”

She often has trouble choosing between the high road and the low road.

“Hi, Lilly. I’m here,” he said, stifling a laugh.

“Mom, wait till you hear how he proposed,” I said.

“Good, Bruce. You did good. So now you’ll officially be part of the family!” she said, ignoring me.

“That’s why I asked her.” Part of Bruce’s mission in life is to impress my mom.

“You got yourself a special girl, Bruce,” she continued. “You know that. Truth be told, though, she’s the lucky one. That’s what I’ve been telling her for years. But whether she’ll make a good wife or not, who knows?” They both cackled like hyenas.

“Ha, ha,” I said. “I’m still here, you know.”

“She’s going to make a great wife,” Bruce said, and squeezed my hand. “I have no doubt about that.”

“Well at least with Evie you can be sure there’s always gonna be enough to eat around the house!” she finished triumphantly. Bruce knew better than to laugh at this, although it looked like he wanted to.

“Aw, Lilly, you’re right. Evie is a great cook.”

Mom snorted. I don’t know which was more absurd to her—the fact that I might be a good cook (which I’m not) or the fact that her witless insult might accidentally have been misconstrued as a compliment.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant,” I said. Bruce snickered, and I shot him my meanest “you’re gonna get it later” glance.

“I just can’t believe it—my Evelyn, a married woman,” she said sweetly, and sighed. “After all these years…I just…I just…”

“You just what?” Enough already.

She somehow managed to compose herself, and continued. “I just never thought I’d be around to witness it.” I could just see her there, sitting at the kitchen table in her tiny apartment, her bottom lip trembling for effect with each tearful breath even though there was nobody around to witness it. She was trying to win Bruce back to her side.

“You’re really something,” I exploded. “Bruce is NOT impressed with this and neither am I. This silliness has got to stop. I mean, do you actually expect me to believe you thought you’d be DEAD before anyone wanted to marry me? Thanks a lot, but I don’t believe you!”

Bruce shook his head. “Now you’ve done it,” he said under his breath.

“Oh, Evelyn,” she sobbed, “being alone in this world is an awful, awful thing, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. To go through life alone is a curse…a punishment. I’m just thankful that at least you won’t have to.” There was that pesky high road, with a healthy dollop of guilt thrown in for good measure.

I wasn’t going to let her see that I felt bad. “Well you don’t have to worry about me anymore, Mom. I finally tricked some poor unsuspecting slob into marrying me.”