Kristina O'Grady - Because Of You

She turned the page.

Stuffed button mushrooms with blue cheese sauce was the first of the hors d’oeuvre. She slowly read the ingredients and in her mind’s eye prepared them for a restaurant full of customers. Her stomach growled. She shook her head and laughed. She didn’t need appetisers tonight.

She flipped further into the folder, past the starters, salads and luncheon dishes. Rare roast beef with fresh horseradish cream, buttermilk garlic mashed potatoes and steamed seasonal vegetables was the perfect thing for a trial run. Roast beef was the very first thing she had ever cooked. She could still remember putting it into the oven for the first time. She could make this dinner blindfolded. She’d make Yorkshire puddings too. Ben loved those and she was sure he’d be joining her and Helga for dinner a lot more since this weekend when they’d disappeared together. Beth was happy for them. Ben hadn’t had a lot of joy in his life the last couple of years and, by the sound of it, Helga was in need of happiness too.

She took a large drink from her glass, relishing the tartness of the wine as it bit into her palate. She had another sip, this time smaller and set to work getting all the ingredients together. She hated starting a recipe only to find that she didn’t have everything handy. It had the potential of ruining a dish if she had to stop to find something crucial to the outcome of the dish. After checking everything on her list, she was satisfied she had everything she needed.

She stood at the counter and looked out the window at her garden in the back. She loved that her sunflowers were starting to come up. They were her favourite thing out there and she could hardly wait until she could watch them follow the sun.

Her eyes shifted to the vegetables in freshly weeded rows next to the sunflowers. The corn had barely broken the surface of the dirt, the peas were still flowering and the tomatoes were still just greenery. The broccoli and cauliflower was no better and her carrots and beets wouldn’t be big enough yet either. She hated to admit that she had no fresh veggies in her garden yet. In a few weeks it would be a different story, but for now she’d have to resort to what she’d picked up from the grocery store on Friday.

She opened her onion box on the counter and grabbed two onions and a head of garlic. She rolled an onion across the countertop until the skin crackled and peeled it with a sharp knife and did the same to the other one. She quickly quartered them and put them in the bottom of a roasting dish. She wacked off the top of the garlic, put it in the corner of the dish and drizzled olive oil over it.

She pulled another head of garlic out of the onion box and pulled off six cloves. Flattening them against the cutting board with her knife, loosening the skin, she carefully peeled them before slicing them into slivers which she studded into the roast and put it on top of the onions.

She sprinkled salt and pepper over the meat and a small smile touched her lips as the familiar dinner stared back at her. Comfort food tonight.

It didn’t take her long to peel the potatoes and put them into a pot of water while waiting for the oven to heat. Once the roast was in the oven, Beth headed back outside to her patch of horseradish. The year Rachel died they had picked some out of the ditch on a trip to Saskatchewan and planted it into a pot in her back yard. That trip was the last time her sister had left her home town. It was always with a touch of sadness that she pulled out a long root.

She took the trowel and loosened the dirt around the root and pulled it free. The air filled with the spicy wasabi scent and fresh dirt. She tipped her face up to the sky again; her garden could sure do with some rain, but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

***

Beth’s phone rang as she was pouring buttermilk into the potatoes. She snuck a peek at the roast on the way to answer it. The aroma of the roasting meat filled the kitchen when she cracked open the door. Yum. It was looking good.

‘Hello,’ she said absentmindedly into the phone. She was still focused on her meal. She couldn’t wait to slice into that beef.

‘Beth?’ The soft voice on the other end of the line snapped her attention away from dinner.

‘Kelsey. Oh, hi. I was going to call you tonight,’ Beth said, sinking into the closest chair.

‘That’s okay, I’ve beat you to it. I wanted to apologise for yesterday. I was really raw from the night before and I kinda over-reacted. So, I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me.’

It felt like a knife was twisting in Beth’s stomach. Kelsey was not the one who should be apologising. ‘No, Kels, it’s me who needs who needs to say sorry. I wasn’t completely honest with you yesterday and I really need to tell you something.’

Kelsey’s tinkling laugh came down the phone. ‘No, I think you were pretty honest in what you said to me. It got me thinking, and you’re right. I do try to please Mark all the time. I never stand up for what I believe in or fight for what I want. I never noticed that about myself before. Have I always done that?’

Beth sat at the table with her hand over her mouth. Oh God, she moaned. If she could take back yesterday she would.

‘Beth? Are you still there?’

The speech she’d prepared in the garden disappeared from her mind. She desperately tried to recall at least some of it.

‘Beth?’

‘I’m still here,’ she managed to force out. ‘You don’t need to apologise for anything at all, Kels.’

‘Yes I do,’ she said. ‘You were trying to help and all I did was snap at you and then run away like some spoiled brat. My behaviour all weekend has been horrible. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. And I’ve caused more trouble for someone who doesn’t deserve it.’

‘I think it’s safe to say that we’ve both done things this weekend we’re not proud of.’ That was sure the understatement of the year.

‘No, Beth, you don’t understand,’ Kelsey said. ‘I think I’ve ruined someone’s life. I’ve tried to take it back but now they are saying the story’s just too big. I just hope they change their minds.’

Kelsey sounded really worried but Beth was sure she was over-reacting. ‘Trust me, Kelsey, What you’ve done has been nowhere near as bad as what I’ve done. And I didn’t mean to do it,’ she rushed. She needed to get the words out before she chickened out. ‘It just sort of happened. Not that I did anything to stop it at the time. I was a willing participant. I just wish I hadn’t been so drunk…or hungover…or whatever I was. I’m so sorry Kelsey. It was an accident. A total, complete mistake.’

There was silence on the end of the phone for a moment and all Beth could hear was the sound of her own rapid breathing. She should be telling Kelsey all this in person rather than over the phone.

‘What is it you’ve done?’ Kelsey whispered. ‘Please tell me it’s not what I think it is.’

‘Kels…’

‘Please tell me you didn’t sleep with him,’ Kelsey’s voice was so quiet Beth could barely hear her.

‘I’m so sorry, Kelsey, it was an accident.’

‘An accident ?!’ Her voice came thundering down the phone. ‘Crashing a car is an accident. Slipping over on ice is an accident. But how in the hell is having sex with my boyfriend an accident?’

‘But he’s no longer your boyfriend, Kelsey. You guys broke up weeks ago.’ Beth regretted her words even before she was done speaking them.

‘You are such a bitch, Beth. I hope you rot in Hell.’ Kelsey slammed the phone down so hard Beth’s ear rang in protest.

Great. Not only could she not have Mark; she felt way too guilty to go down that road, she’d now also ruined her longest friendship. If she was honest with herself, there was no way she could expect Kelsey to ever forgive her for what she did. If the shoe was on the other foot, Beth knew she would have reacted much the same way.