Roxie Cooper - The Law of Attraction

After dinner, she has to stand on a chair on one leg and recite her intention to be an honourable member of Circuit, then down her drink. As per the tradition, you invite all your friends to watch and they have to heckle you to try and put you off and, if they do, you have to start from the beginning again.

I’d managed to completely disgrace myself in week four of pupillage, one lunchtime in the Chambers lounge. Angela was wittering on about the ridiculous tradition and, naturally, being a normal person of this world, I assumed she was joking, so absurd did the whole thing sound. I started laughing, attempting to integrate myself into the conversation by saying, ‘Gosh, can you imagine if that was even a thing?! How pretentious!’ The entire lounge went deadly silent and everyone looked at me. Everyone except Skylar, who just took a deep breath, gazing at his homemade sandwich and doing a massive cringe face. I paused for a few seconds, frozen in mid-laugh, before saying, ‘That’s really a thing, isn’t it?’ Dolus scowled at me before uttering, ‘These kinds of traditions are taken very seriously in our world , Amanda. If you want to be part of it, I suggest you don’t mock them.’

‘Our’ World and ‘My’ World. Clearly, a million miles apart.

I’m in a bit of a quandary about what to drink as I’m scared of needing the loo in the next three hours because, as Rupert informs me, once the meal has started you’re not allowed to exit. ‘Why?’ I ask. ‘Tradition,’ he says, matter of factly.

Ah, of course.

‘But if you desperately need the toilet, you must request permission from the Circuit Junior to leave the room,’ Skylar goes on.

All tradition , apparently.

Conversation as we’re waiting for the meal to arrive truly is a universe away from my life. Rupert tells us all about his new baby (‘Maximilian, not Max’) and how he and his wife are currently searching for a new house.

‘Well, the problem is, Amelie just hasn’t been happy with any of the places we’ve seen so far. And there’s no point in rushing these things so we’ve decided to rent until we find the perfect place.’

‘Oh, yeah. Absolutly, Rupes. Are you renting locally?’, Flick empathises.

‘Yes. Just a small farmhouse, only six bedrooms. Got a bit of land for Amelie’s horses. Nothing extravagant. Just until we find our “forever home”, I believe the saying is!’ he laughs.

They all chuckle, like this is the most normal thing to say as you’re waiting for your tea to arrive.

I have absolutely nothing in common with these people.

Given the current company, I’d much rather eat in silence, but Angela puts a stop to all that by loudly proclaiming her (fake) concern about getting the speech on the chair right.

‘Oh! Can you imagine how embarrassing it will be if I get it wrong and have to start from the very beginning again?!’

I’m sure you’re counting on it , I want to add. The Covern (as they shall be known from here on in) giggle and indulge her.

‘Gella, don’t worry, we’re you’re bezzies! We’re here for you!’ they chorus.

Just to ensure everyone knows how seriously she’s taking it, ‘Gella’ closes her eyes tightly, clenches her fists and recites the speech in a whispery, overexaggerated way, much to the amusement of Skylar, who looks on in disdain. Rupert laps it up and encourages the drama, presumably in an attempt to curry favour with The Covern.

Skylar and I eat in silence, ignoring the hullabaloo around us, unprepared to participate in it in any way whatsoever. I look at my watch and realise it’s only 8.37 p.m. – two more courses, speeches and eight barristers to join Circuit before I can go home. The things you have to suffer for your profession.

As the meal progresses, the wine flows and the room becomes louder with general yakking. Spontaneous loud roars of laughter keep erupting, filling the room with noise. The candles in the room, in conjunction with the number of bodies in it (along with the fact that the doors are locked owing to stupid tradition) means the temperature is rising.

Suit jackets start coming off, which is ideal for some of the women because it means they get to loosen their shirt buttons and show a bit of cleavage. The men lap it up. No wonder they’re in no rush to get home. Except Skylar, of course. He keeps looking at his watch, willing the next course to come so he can escape. I can’t blame him.

‘It’s something you just have to tolerate, Amanda,’ Skylar says. ‘Some people belong to this crowd and some people don’t. You have to make your peace with it, but learn to work with it.’

He has a point. If these are the people I have to work with – and who will decide my future – I’ll just have to get along with that. Doesn’t mean they won’t fuck me off, though.

For example, at one point, Angela, bored of the predominantly female company on our table, wanders over to the next one, which is occupied by the Bad Boy Bar Crew , and finds a ludicrously tenuous route to inform them (loudly) that the gap in her front teeth is a sign that she’s a ‘very sexual, sensual person’. So all of our lives are better for knowing that.

After approximately thirty years, the meal comes to an end and we move on to the next part of the event: speeches.

The Recorder of Newcastle (the most senior judge in the city) gives a long, boring spiel about what an honour it is to be part of Circuit. Blagh blagh blagh … important to feel a sense of belonging to your professional domain… blagh blagh .

Quite.

Then the visiting guest, Mr Justice Slyggenhyde ( Oh, I know ) delivers a really long speech about how wonderful the north-east is and how it’s been a pleasure sitting up here presiding over cases… blagh blagh . Everyone is flagging at this point. The wine has run out and it’s boiling hot. There is no air left in the room because the Recorder and High Court Judge WhatsHisFace have used it all up bleating on about advocacy in the provinces. Everyone is literally on the cusp of dropping dead due to lack of oxygen when thankfully the ‘staff’ fling the doors open (after two hours!) and everyone dashes out to breathe and go to the toilet.

I decide to wait, as the prospect of hovering in a queue with these women fills me with dread.

As I come back into the room, I see that more wine has arrived and everyone is gearing up to do their joining Circuit initiation.

The ‘Master of Revels’ stands up and starts talking about things which aren’t funny, but everyone finds it hilarious so I’m obviously missing all the jokes.

The joiners of Circuit are called out in alphabetical order. The first one is a guy from another Chambers and he gets an awful heckling, having to go back to the beginning of his shizzle about ten times before he finally finishes it.

‘Did you have to do this, Richard?’ I ask, amazed he would ever do such a thing.

‘I refused,’ he replies.

‘You can refuse? But you’re a member of Circuit,’ I ask, confused.

‘Rules are there to be broken, Amanda…’ he says with a wry smile and wink.

By the seventh candidate, everyone is getting a bit bored of the process and clearly wants to go home. They don’t realise the worst is yet to come.

‘The eighth and final candidate applying to join Circuit is Angela Waites,’ the Master bellows. A flash of annoyance crosses Angela’s face as she yells, ‘Oh, Master! It’s An -gella !’

Skylar and I just look at each other. No words, just a look.

She dramatically glugs the dregs of her wine and stands on the chair, hitching her (already short, tight) skirt up in doing so. She does a few fake deep breaths and then starts her stuff. Problem for her is that everyone has been through this seven times so they’re all a bit bored of it now. Sensing this, she feels the need to up the ante.