Annie Lyons - Life Or Something Like It

Ava gave a hollow laugh. ‘If you say so, honey. And for the record, it works for me too. I don’t know what I’d do if you got hitched and popped out a couple of kids.’

Cat shook her head. ‘You know me. That’s never going to happen. Let other people repopulate the world. Between you and me, I’ve got a woman working for me who was the best in the business but since she’s had a baby, I’ve had no end of trouble.’

Ava nodded. ‘Tell me about it. The kid’s sick and suddenly it’s your problem. Am I right?’

‘Pretty much. I mean it’s the twenty-first century so women should be able to go out to work but you’ve got to be responsible for your own life and get organised, for heaven’s sake. The number of times I’ve had to let Nancy have time off because of childcare issues. It’s not on. You’ve got to take control and if you can’t, then find another job.’

‘I’ll drink to that,’ said Ava draining her glass. ‘Want another?’

Cat nodded. ‘Please.’ Her phone buzzed with a call and she glanced down to see her brother’s number. ‘I need to take this,’ she said, excusing herself from the table and making her way out into the lobby away from Ava’s gaze.

‘Andrew? Are you okay?’

‘Hey, Cat. That’s not like you to answer your phone to me first time.’

‘Ha ha. What’s up?’

‘Just calling to catch up with my favourite sister. I expect you’re somewhere posh and up itself.’

She smiled. ‘Always. How are Melissa and the kids?’

‘Well actually Mel’s got to go to Australia. Her dad’s not well.’

‘Oh shit. Is it serious?’

‘Cancer. They’re giving him weeks to live.’

‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. Poor Melissa.’

‘I know. She’s leaving first thing tomorrow so we’re just trying to sort out the childcare.’

‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.’

‘Ah thanks, Nanny McPhee. Could my children come and stay with you?’

‘Well er – ’

‘Cat? I’m kidding. You’re so easy to wind up. Much as I relish the thought of you dragging my six- and ten-year-old to the Ivy and the management looking on in horror as Ellie and Charlie ask for ketchup with their caviar, we should be fine.’

‘They don’t have caviar at the Ivy so ha! Anyway, I would help you out if you needed me to. You know that.’

‘Thank you but luckily Mel’s sorting it so you’re off the hook. I’ll call you at the weekend, okay?’

Cat gave a shiver of relief as she ended the call. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her nephew and niece; it was more that she’d hardly spent any time with children. She recalled how Andrew had recently guilt-tripped her into attending Ellie’s sixth birthday party. Cat had turned up with the biggest teddy bear she could carry ready to play at being the world’s best auntie. She rang the doorbell and could hear small feet stampeding down the hall before the door was flung open and a small voice squeaked, ‘Eeeee!’

Cat peered around the bear into the chocolate-smeared face of her niece. Ellie was wearing a white and blue princess dress. She was flanked by two girls in similar outfits with a small boy dressed as a slightly lopsided snowman trailing behind. Cat was good at dealing with most situations but being faced with these sugar-crazed miniature humans immediately caught her off guard. She was relieved when she heard her brother’s voice.

‘Ellie, what have I told you about opening the door to strangers? Oh Cat, you made it! Come in.’ Andrew smiled. Cat’s heart surged with love and gratitude.

‘Is that for me?’ demanded Ellie, gesturing at the bear.

‘Ellie! Don’t be rude. Say hello to your Auntie Cat.’

‘You told me not to talk to strangers,’ said the six-year-old baldly. ‘Who is Auntie Cat?’

Andrew looked embarrassed but Cat dismissed his concerns with a small shake of her head. ‘You’re very clever to be careful and I’m sorry I haven’t seen you for a while but Daddy is right, I’m your auntie and this,’ she said, handing over the bear, ‘is for you. Happy birthday.’

Ellie took the bear, which was much bigger than her. ‘What do you say, Ellie?’ coaxed Andrew.

‘Thank yoo,’ said the small girl looking up at her aunt suspiciously.

‘Andy!’ shouted a voice from upstairs, which Cat recognised as Melissa’s. Andrew glanced up at the frowning face peering over the banisters. ‘Oh hey, Cat,’ said Melissa as she spotted her sister-in-law. Cat could tell that she was surprised and a little irritated by her presence.

‘Hey,’ said Cat. ‘I just popped in with a present for Ellie but I can see you’re busy.’

‘Oh no you don’t,’ said Andrew, grabbing her arm and pulling her over the threshold. ‘Are you okay, Mel?’

‘I need you to come and talk to your son,’ said Melissa with meaning. Cat could hear her ten-year-old nephew rampaging like a wild animal upstairs.

A shadow of embarrassment passed over Andrew’s face as he glanced at his sister. ‘I’ll be back in a sec. Ellie, take your aunt through to the other room and don’t let her leave, okay?’ He disappeared up the stairs leaving Cat standing in the hall with her four minders.

She smiled down at them cheerfully. Use your PR charm, Catherine , she told herself. ‘Which princesses are you?’ she asked the three girls. ‘I always used to like Sleeping Beauty.’

Ellie rolled her eyes. ‘Duh. I’m Elsa and they are Anna,’ she declared, gesturing at her friends. A look of confusion passed over Cat’s face. ‘From Frozen ?’ continued Ellie as if she were addressing an idiot. ‘You know – Let it go, Let it go-ooo ,’ she sang tunelessly, dancing the gigantic bear round and round. Her two friends joined in and they were soon spinning down the corridor with giggling glee. Cat and the snowman were left staring at one another. She recoiled in horror as a thick slug of snot seeped from his carrot-covered nose.

‘I’m Olaf,’ he declared before pushing his tongue up his lip and licking experimentally at the snot. Cat did her best not to gag and looked desperately up the stairs, praying that her brother would come back soon and rescue her. However, Ellie had not forgotten her father’s request. She plonked the huge bear on the floor and spun back down the hallway towards her aunt. Grabbing Cat with one hand and dragging the bear with the other, she pulled her towards the dining room. ‘Come on. You have to meet Finn,’ she said.

Cat followed reluctantly, expecting to be introduced to another grubby little boy with limited hygiene. She was surprised to find a man, sitting on the floor of the dining room, strumming experimentally on a guitar. The chairs had been cleared to the sides of the room and the table was pushed against one wall. It was covered with pieces of half-chewed pizza, curling sandwiches and what looked like strawberry jelly, all of which made Cat’s stomach flip. She was used to politely nibbled canapés and bento boxes containing neat parcels of sushi. This was cuisine carnage.

Ellie plonked herself very close to the man, whilst one little girl sat the other side of him and the other stood behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck. He obviously had some sort of magnetism for children. To be honest, Cat couldn’t quite see the attraction. He was heavily bearded with messy hair, a scruffy T-shirt bearing the words ‘I like Biscuits’, and an even scruffier pair of jeans paired with some ancient Converse trainers. He looked so at home on the floor with these pint-sized princesses, almost as if he were one of them. They clearly adored him.

Ellie put an arm round his neck and looked up at her aunt. ‘This is Finn,’ she said proudly as if she were introducing the Dalai Lama. Finn nodded up at Cat but didn’t seem to see her. He was intent on the chords he was playing, lost in a musical moment. Cat found this quite rude. ‘Come and sit down and we can sing,’ ordered Ellie. Cat looked around her. The floor was worse than the table. It was covered with crushed cheese puffs, squashed fondant fancies and pools of sticky juice. Cat glanced down at her Stella McCartney jeans and picked up what she hoped was a clean paper napkin. She placed it on the floor and sat down next to Ellie.