Catherine Lanigan - Fear Of Falling

When they’d driven to Tennessee to see Rowan, the owner wasn’t much interested in the young colt who took up space in his stable and time with his trainers because he already had an entrant in the Kentucky Derby.

But though Rowan was only a year old when Rafe met him, he would never forget the way the horse seemed to sense his presence. Rowan had been grazing in a grassy paddock with his mother. The owner had pointed him out to Rafe, and while Angelo and the owner talked, Rafe had wandered over to the fence to take a closer look.

Rafe was still yards away from the fence when suddenly, Rowan lifted his head from the grass and looked directly at him. There was no fear in Rowan’s eyes as he turned away from his mother’s side and strode slowly toward Rafe.

Rafe reached the fence at the same moment as Rowan, and when he reached out to touch his snout, Rowan eased his head under Rafe’s hand. Then the horse curved his neck around Rafe’s shoulders, as if he was hugging him.

Rafe got chills. “You’ll be coming home with me,” Rafe had whispered. “I’ll care for you all my life.”

Rafe put his arms around Rowan. Then he kissed him just as his father and the owner walked up. Rafe was shocked at the lump in his throat. He’d barely known this horse and yet he felt he’d known him forever.

He remembered the compassion and understanding in his father’s eyes as Angelo considered the purchase. His long pause filled Rafe with dread that the owner was asking too much for Rowan and that Rafe’s strong reaction might have negated the sale. “Is he the one, son?”

Knowing that his father was a shrewd businessman, Rafe tamped down his emotions and found his voice. “I need to ride him, Pops. See what he can do before we decide.”

Angelo remained stoic and nodded as he turned to the owner. “That all right with you?”

The owner agreed and signaled to his trainer to saddle Rowan. Then he explained that Rowan needed training. He could run, but he wasn’t making any promises. Angelo and Rafe would have to provide substantial instruction.

Rafe put Rowan through a few paces on the training track, but it only took one turn for Rafe to realize the potential that the Thoroughbred packed.

Angelo made the deal. Neither of them ever looked back on the drive home to Indiana.

Rafe returned to the present and looked at his father. “Dad, remember when I rode Rowan for the first time?”

“Never forget it,” Angelo replied, folding his arms across his chest.

“Well, something happened out there on the track today. You saw it.” He glanced at Curt, who was giving him a wary expression. “Hear me out. All this time, we’ve been racing Rowan on a track like Churchill Downs. That’s adequate for places like Arlington and such, but I think it’s too short for him.”

“What are you saying?” Angelo asked.

“I think he’s a Preakness-type runner. That race is a mile and three-sixteenths, not just the mile like the Kentucky Derby. Rowan didn’t hit his stride until we passed the finish line. I want to take him on another round right now and see what he can do. He should be tired out, but he isn’t. And to keep him running these shorter races is a disservice to his talent.”

Curt scratched his head. “How could we have missed this?”

Rafe put his hand on Curt’s shoulder. “How could we have known? It was a brutal winter. He hasn’t had a chance to let it rip for months. Two weeks ago he was running through muck and mud. This is the first time the track’s been in decent shape this season.”

“Logical,” Angelo said with an odd grimace. “Listen, you take him out. I’m tired. I’m going up to the house...to see if breakfast is ready.” He hugged himself again.

“But, Dad, you gotta see this. You have the best eye ever.”

“Oh.” Angelo stared at the ground. “All right,” he said quietly.

Rafe couldn’t understand why his father wasn’t sharing his enthusiasm, but he wouldn’t let Angelo’s attitude get to him. “Excellent!” Rafe smiled broadly and slung himself up onto Rowan’s back. He pulled on the reins and turned the horse around.

Rafe and Rowan waited at the starting line while Angelo leaned against the fence and held his stopwatch. Curt did the same. As usual, Curt held up the red bandanna he used to signal the start of the trial, which was easy for Rafe to see.

Curt dropped the bandanna, and Rowan shot ahead. Rafe could tell that Rowan had made the first turn in a shorter time than the first trial. The second turn breezed by. So did the third. Coming up to the finish, Rafe glanced over at his father and Curt as he always did. Curt was screaming something at Rafe, though he couldn’t make out the words. Angelo still held his stopwatch at eye level, but he was not cheering or shouting like Rafe thought he would be. He’d expected his father to be bursting with enthusiasm; instead, he appeared to be watching with a very steady gaze.

Rafe glowed with pride as he leaned forward and pushed Rowan to cross the finish line and not stop. Rowan poured on the power and left the finish line far behind him. They were around the first turn before the horse’s stride slowed.

Rafe’s suspicions were confirmed. They hadn’t begun to tap Rowan’s power and abilities. As Rafe slowed the horse, his mind filled with visions of great races, superb wins...and making history. Rafe was nearly euphoric as they galloped back toward the gate.

Instantly, his smile melted off his face. Angelo was lying on the ground, and Curt was still yelling at him. Rafe couldn’t make out the words over the pounding of his heart. He urged Rowan to the gate and jumped off.

“What’s wrong?” Rafe shouted as he opened the gate and stooped over his father.

“I called 911 from my cell,” Curt said. “He clutched his chest and sank to the ground just as you passed the finish line. There was no way you could hear or even see me then.”

Angelo’s eyes were closed, his face a ghastly, frightening gray.

“He’s not breathing,” Rafe said, placing his cheek next to his father’s nostrils. He started CPR, pushing on Angelo’s chest with all his strength. His mother had made sure all four of her sons kept up-to-date on first-aid courses. On a farm, they needed to be prepared for all eventualities. Rafe knew his father had heart issues, but Angelo refused to talk about his ill health—ever.

Rafe should have seen this coming.

Thinking back, he’d had a warning of sorts. At his brother Nate’s couples’ shower at Mrs. Beabots’s house, Rafe learned his father had been prescribed Coumadin. Nate actually hadn’t known anything about Angelo’s heart condition. Nate had told Rafe and Gabe that it was time for Angelo to slow down, perhaps even retire. But it hadn’t happened.

Then Gabe had married Liz, and that caused Angelo an extreme amount of stress, which Rafe didn’t truly understand. Apparently, something had happened between Liz’s grandfather and Angelo decades ago, but Rafe, Nate and Mica had no clue what that “thing” was. But Rafe had noticed their mother hovering over Angelo this past winter, acting as if he was dying. It was ridiculous. As far as Rafe could tell, his father was as fit as him or his brother. He was just older, that was all. Angelo needed to knock off at four instead of six or seven like he and Mica did, but their father went on, day after day, as if he was still fighting to make his farm a success. Now Rafe realized with torturous hindsight that Angelo’s refusal to take it easy was precisely why his mother had been making such a fuss.

Rafe continued to press on his father’s chest so hard he was afraid he’d break Angelo’s sternum.

“Come on, Dad! You can make it. Come on! I’ll save you. Promise.”