Zoe May - Perfect Match

Sandra sidles up to me. ‘Sorry, I just have to tell you something. I’m going to have to admit it now or else I won’t be able to concentrate on anything all day, and the fungal vaccine paper is due this afternoon and I really don’t want to mess it up. It’s really important that I tell you. I just have to get it off my chest!’

‘What is it?’ I ask in a voice so quiet it’s almost a whisper. Please don’t tell me you’re in love with me, please don’t , I silently pray.

‘I hope you’re not going to be annoyed with me,’ she frets.

‘What is it?!’

‘Well, last night, after you left work, I stayed late to go over my report on bunions one last time and…’ She trails off and looks downs at the floor. I have literally no idea where she’s going with this.

‘And?’

‘Well, I got stuck on a semi-colon. I just wasn’t sure whether it was right or not so I thought I’d consult that punctuation manual. You know, the one Ted emailed us a few months ago? Semi-colons: Instructions on correct usage .’

‘Uhhh, yeah…’ I vaguely remember something about it.

Ted sends round these copywriting manuals from time to time, just in case Sandra and I want to do a bit of extra ‘background reading’. But I don’t think, in this lifetime, I’ll ever be bored enough to go through them; I’d rather watch paint dry. In fact, I’m sure they’d make watching paint dry look like a fireworks display.

‘Well normally…’ Sandra chuckles nervously. ‘Normally, I keep all the manuals in a folder on my desktop labelled “Punctuation SOS”.’

For a second I’m quiet, and then I realise that Sandra thinks she’s been really witty. I let out a polite little laugh. Sandra takes a deep wheezing breath to calm herself down.

‘Well, the manual wasn’t in my folder, I couldn’t believe it. I always put them in there,’ she sighs, shaking her head. ‘I searched everywhere. I did a comprehensive search of all my files, but I still couldn’t find it, then I went through my emails from Ted. I checked my backpack, because sometimes I take the manuals to read on the tube but it wasn’t there either! Ted had gone home so it wasn’t like I could ask him to resend it, so I thought I’d just have a quick look on your computer to see if you had a copy.’

‘Mm-hmm.’

‘I went over to your desk and your computer was still on. You seemed to be in a bit of a hurry to get home last night so I guess you forgot to turn it off, but when I moved your mouse, the screen lit up and the first thing I saw was this site… Dream Dates,’ Sandra says.

Now it’s my turn to blush. Bloody hell. I went on Dream Dates during my lunch break to find the deactivation button, but with my deadline looming for the catheter paper, I must have forgotten to log off. Oh no! What if Sandra had seen the penis criteria?

‘Sandra, you didn’t read anything, did you? It was just a joke. My friend set it up as a joke!’

‘I’m sorry, I did read something,’ Sandra admits.

That’s it. I’ve scarred her for life. I’ve traumatised Sandra, who I’m pretty sure is still a virgin, with my crude penis specifications. No wonder she’s been blushing so much.

‘What did you read?’

‘I wasn’t snooping. I don’t want you to think I was snooping or anything… It was just there .’

Not a dick pic. Dear Lord, not another dick pic! Last time I checked my phone, it did say I had twenty unread messages, some of which were no doubt genitalia.

‘What was “just there”?’ I ask tentatively, bracing myself.

‘This message, from this guy. It popped up on the screen, the words were just there. I couldn’t help reading them,’ Sandra tells me.

‘Just words?’ I ask.

‘Yes… Just words.’

‘Oh great!’ I enthuse, relieved.

Sandra looks momentarily confused. ‘Anyway, it was a message from a guy. He said he’d like to meet you and that he was going to be at The Anchor and Hope from 7 p.m. if you fancied stopping by.’

‘Okay…’ I murmur.

‘Well, it was such a coincidence because I was going to The Anchor and Hope anyway and so I—’

‘Hang on, you were going to a pub?’ I interrupt her.

Sandra is a loud and proud teetotaller and in the three years I’ve known her, she’s never once set foot in a pub. I’d actually got the impression she was a bit afraid of them.

‘Yeah. They’ve stopped keeping Starbucks open until eleven p.m. so now my knitting group has to meet at a pub instead. We’ve got no other choice really,’ she tells me, despondently. ‘I’ve written to Starbucks to complain but I’m still waiting to hear back from them. It’s really annoying.’

‘So, what happened?’ I ask.

‘Nothing. I sent a message via their customer complaints form on the website the other day. They say they’ll reply within forty-eight hours but it’s been three days now,’ Sandra huffs.

‘Not about the complaint, about going to the pub!’

‘Oh, that!’ Sandra laughs. ‘Well, I thought, seeing as I was going to the pub, I may as well check this guy out for you, just in case he was really dishy in person. He looked quite attractive on the little thumbnail by the message and so I thought… I really hope you’re not going to be annoyed at me, I didn’t mean to be nosy but…’ She tugs nervously at the sleeve of her cardigan.

‘What, Sandra?’

‘Well I clicked on his profile and he was really, really hot,’ she says, her face lighting up. ‘He looked like that actor. You know the one from that film about vampires.’

‘ Twilight ? Robert Pattinson?’

‘Yes! That’s the one. He was really quite something.’ Sandra lets out a low dirty laugh that sends shivers down my spine. Maybe she isn’t quite as pure as I thought.

‘Muscly as well. Pecs, biceps, rippling abs, lean, toned thighs…’ Her eyes glaze over and her mouth hangs open a bit. I’m almost worried that a dribble of drool might spill over her bottom lip.

‘Okay, I get the picture. So, what happened?’

‘Well, after I checked out his photos, I had a quick read of his profile. I hope you don’t mind, but I know you wouldn’t want to date someone who can’t punctuate properly and you know what most people are like these days.’ She shakes her head morosely. ‘But I was pleasantly surprised. He writes like one of us. Not a spelling mistake, unnecessary capital letter or misplaced semicolon in sight!’ Sandra tells me triumphantly.

‘So, I went to the pub to meet the Knitting Ninjas and at first I couldn’t see him, but then after a while the pub just fell silent. I didn’t have a clue what was going on, it was a bit unnerving. I looked round to the entrance and saw this guy coming in – the one from Dream Dates! And oh my goodness, Sophia, he was even better in person. He was so good-looking! He almost glowed. He wasn’t a regular guy,’ Sandra gushes, a little breathlessly.

‘He was super human, like a different species or something. He had this aura about him. Everyone in the pub was just kind of stunned and then gradually people came back to their senses and started chatting again. All the ladies in my knitting group agreed that he must be a model or an actor or someone famous. He was just too gorgeous to be an ordinary man!’

I frown sceptically. ‘But did he really look like Robert Pattinson?’

‘Yes, he did! He made Robert Pattinson look a bit worse for wear actually. He was a total dish!’ Sandra insists, and I can’t help grinning.

A Robert Pattinson lookalike! Oh my God! Just like my ad! But hang on a minute, why would someone that hot be into online dating? It doesn’t make sense.

‘Hmmm… This all seems a bit suspicious,’ I comment, turning my attention back to the kettle. I drop tea bags into our mugs and pour boiling water over them. ‘If this guy is that gorgeous, surely he could have his pick of women. Surely he’d be beating them off with a stick?’