Mary Leo - A Cowboy In Her Arms

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JOEL SLIPPED A sleeping Emma into her car seat, made sure Polly was comfortable in the passenger seat and drove his red SUV out of the fairgrounds heading toward home. A full moon led the way on the dark, empty back roads.

“It was nice seeing Callaghan again. Actually it was nice seeing everyone again. I had a great day, and from the looks of it, so did Emma. How about you, Joel?”

Joel knew enough about Polly to recognize when she was fishing for information. They hadn’t talked much about his life with Sarah, although he was sure she understood more about it than he’d like her to. He didn’t think she knew that he and Callaghan—or Callie... He wasn’t sure if he could ever get used to calling her that—had ever dated. Sarah had never been a very forthcoming kind of person. Heck, for the five years they were married he doubted he knew much about her past. It was a revelation to him that she and Callie had spent so much time together during the summer, and even Callie hadn’t told him the details of those visits.

For one thing, he’d thought Sarah only visited for a couple weeks during the summers, but from what Callie had just said, it sounded as if Sarah had spent entire summers with her aunt.

He knew Sarah had grown up as the proverbial latchkey kid. Her mom was always too busy working or out on a date to give her child much attention. She’d had more boyfriends than Sarah could name. None of them were Sarah’s dad.

Unfortunately for Sarah, her dad had never been in the picture.

“It wasn’t what I’d expected, that’s for sure.”

“And what was that?”

Joel didn’t know how candid he should be with Polly. “For one thing, I didn’t expect to see Callaghan in the parade. By the way, she likes to be called Callie now.”

“Callie it is. I sensed there was something more between you and Callie than just a friendship, if there ever was a friendship. She seemed a little guarded, but that could just be because she was reacting to the news about Sarah. Funny, but I thought everyone would have known by now. That was well over six months ago.”

“Apparently the town must be isolated from that kind of news. Plus, don’t forget you and Sarah haven’t been a part of this town for several years.”

“Still, Callie appeared distant, as if she was holding something back...which didn’t seem to be the case when she was talking to you. I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but she didn’t look too happy.”

Joel didn’t know if now was the time to tell her about their sordid past, but he was trying to be a more honest man, so this seemed like as good a time as any.

“Polly, there’s something you should know about Callie and me.”

“What’s that?” She turned to look at him, and when he glanced her way he couldn’t tell if what he was about to say would hurt her or put a strain on their relationship. He didn’t want to do either one, but she deserved the truth, at least as much as she needed to know.

He relaxed his tense shoulders. “Callie and I were dating before Sarah and I got together.”

Polly didn’t respond for what seemed like forever. His stomach lurched as he waited for her response. He tried to concentrate on his driving along the unfamiliar route, hoping Polly would say something to break the horrible silence.

“Did you love Callie?”

He’d had a passion for Callie, a passion that almost consumed him. He couldn’t seem to get enough of her, and felt his absolute best when he was in her arms. She made him feel as though he could do anything, conquer anything and be anything he put his mind to.

But had he loved her?

He couldn’t have, or when Callie told him what she saw for their future, he wouldn’t have run to Sarah. All he’d wanted was some sound advice from Callie’s best friend. He never expected it to go any further than that, and when it did, he just let it happen.

Joel hadn’t been capable of loving anyone back then, and even now, love still seemed elusive. Oh, sure, he loved Emma, probably more in the last six months than ever before in her life, but true romantic love, the kind that Polly still felt for her late husband, Daniel... He didn’t know if he could ever feel that sort of deep, powerful love for anyone.

“I couldn’t love anybody back then, not even myself.”

“But you dated her.”

“Yes, for almost two years.”

“Did you love Sarah?”

The road before him seemed endless, as if it could go on into infinity. As if he knew he couldn’t get out of the car until he told Polly the truth.

“She was the mother of my child.”

He kept his eyes on the road, a tight grip on the wheel, looking for his turnoff...hoping for his turnoff.

“You didn’t answer my question. And believe me, Joel, I won’t be offended by your answer as long as you tell me the truth. I don’t abide liars of any kind...at least not on the big stuff. Did you love Sarah?”

He took in a sharp snap of air. “I did not.”

“Ever?”

“No.”

“Did she love you?”

“If she did, she never showed it or told me.”

“Then why did you marry her?”

“She was pregnant with my child.”

“But why did you marry her?”

“I just couldn’t run away. Not from that. If she was going to have the baby, I would always be his or her dad.”

“Still, you could have walked. Paid child support and visited on holidays.”

He couldn’t do that, even back then he couldn’t abandon his unborn child and provide Sarah with a reason to consider giving up the baby. Not that he’d spend a lot of time thinking about it; he’d merely reacted to the situation in the only way he knew how. But now that he was forced to rehash it with Polly, he realized it was the one moment in his life that he was proud of.

“It was the right thing to do,” he said, knowing perfectly well he’d never been all-in either as a husband or a father. Sure, he married Sarah but he never took up the responsibility reins...until now.

Polly turned back to face the road and he caught her glistening eyes that gave away her true feelings. He could only hope she didn’t hate him.

“That’s our turnoff up ahead,” she said, her voice steady and strong. “It’s easy to miss at night, but look for the dogwood tree that Daniel planted when we were first married and you’ll always find your way back home.”

“Thanks,” he told her, knowing full well he was thanking her not for the directions but for accepting his answer.

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