Radhika Sanghani - Virgin

I paused and briefly wondered if I would have enjoyed being with Angus. He had been pretty rude when I stood on his face. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I give up on men. Especially because I then got very drunk and agreed to let Angus stay with Lara in my tiny en-suite bedroom. And when I woke up I stood on his face, realised that they were both NAKED and then … and then I decided to shower it all away and slipped on what I thought was hair removal cream. But as I was lying flat on my back in the bath, crying out in pain, I realised that I had slipped on Angus’ come.’

Emma spat out her drink and burst out laughing. I grumbled at her to stop enjoying my humiliation so much, but after my attempts failed, I grudgingly joined her and we laughed until we were both close to tears.

‘That … is just … so funny,’ she said, gasping for breath. ‘How do these things happen to you? Even the situation where you accidentally told the whole of UCL English Literature class that you loved being bummed even though you never have been.’

‘I didn’t exactly tell them I loved it….’

‘Yeah, sorry, the rumours going round are a bit different.’

I froze. ‘Please tell me you’re joking.’

‘Oh, come on, it’s not that bad. I think even Charlie has a newfound respect for you. The boys all fancy you now.’

‘Am I meant to be flattered that they now only fancy me because they think I’m a dirty sex maniac?’

‘Excuse me,’ said Emma as she plonked her glass back onto the table. ‘Don’t knock anal sex until you’ve tried it.’ She paused, and then lowered her tone. ‘Except, it can have slightly disastrous consequences.’

I stared at her, picturing her and an unknown man covered in poo. ‘What?’ I asked in alarm.

‘That girl Alex I was telling you about? The first time she did it, they were at the guy’s house and his dad walked in. The guy was so terrified he pulled out immediately, just as she clenched in panic, and … her rectum dislodged and came out with it. The dad had to drive them to hospital.’

I gulped, mentally vowing never to have anal sex.

‘That’s … that’s awful,’ I whispered, trying to erase the very vivid image from my mind.

She nodded slowly. ‘If it hadn’t happened to her, I never would have believed it. It sounds like one of those urban myths, but, unfortunately for Alex, it was true. Some might call it karma,’ she added with a grin.

I let out a shocked laugh.

‘Anyway,’ she said, ‘I’m so glad we’re hanging out. You’re definitely the most normal person I’ve met in our course so far.’

‘Same here,’ I said, smiling at her warmly and realising how true it was. ‘Although, that’s really not saying much,’ I joked and she rolled her eyes at me. ‘Honestly, though, sometimes I feel kind of distant from the rest of them. They’re fun and everything, but I’m never sure how much I have in common with them,’ I admitted.

‘I know,’ she cried out. ‘Like, why do we always have to drink red wine and pretend we hate pop music? Sometimes I just want to embrace my inner mainstream self. In fact,’ she said as she raised her glass in the air, ‘here’s to not being cool and not giving a fuck.’

We clinked our glasses together laughing and she called the waiter to bring us more cocktails. He was young and cute, and I shot him my most flirtatious smile but he didn’t seem to notice. Emma, meanwhile, was beyond subtle smiles and eye contact. She flirted openly with him, and wrote her number on the bill when we paid two hours later. When we left, she winked at him and he grinned back at her.

‘I can’t believe you did that, Emma. You’re so brave,’ I lisped as we left the pub.

She laughed. ‘He was so cute I had no choice. My inner lust for him was so overpowering that I just fell prey to my desires. Here’s hoping he calls….’

‘Will you care if he doesn’t?’

‘God, no! He’s a waiter in a bar. There are hundreds of those all over London. Who cares if one of them doesn’t fancy me back? He might have a girlfriend already, or be gay—except I do have a pretty good gaydar—or he might just not like blondes.’

‘You’re my new idol, Emma,’ I said as I tripped over a jagged paving stone.

‘Oh-kaaay, little lady, that’s good to know. But I reckon we should get you home before you throw up all over your new idol.’

‘I’m not that drunk,’ I said, as she bundled me into a cab and told the cab driver an address that wasn’t mine. I laid my head on her furry leopard-print coat and closed my eyes.

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