Ann Lethbridge - Regency Society

She glanced at him. His lips were white and set in a thin line.

‘Are you angry with me for caring about his welfare?’ Roxanne asked in a carefully flat tone. His manner was so rigid, his anger barely under control. ‘The earl requested that I call him Grandfather. If it annoys you, I can be more formal.’

‘Why should you? He clearly likes it and you.’ Luke frowned as he turned to look at her. ‘Forgive me. I was anxious and when I’m anxious I become angry. I had no right to interfere.’

‘You have every right. I have not forgotten the reason you brought me here, Luke—but I find that my affections are engaged. Grandfather has been generous to me with his own affection and I genuinely wish to make him happy. I hope he will rally again, but I know that he could take a turn for the worse.’

‘If he should die, you would not need to keep your bargain.’

‘Should I not? That would be your decision, naturally.’ Roxanne got to her feet. ‘Excuse me, I should go and take tea with your family. If you wish to disappoint everyone, you must take the necessary steps, Luke. I gave my word to the earl and I shall not break it. However, I shall not hold you to a bargain you dislike so much. Please inform me of your wishes when you are ready. Now, if you will excuse me.’

She walked out of the room with her head high. Luke cursed himself for a fool. She had been on the verge of tears, but hiding it as best she could. He had hurt her and it was the last thing he wanted to do and yet he was hurting too, so badly that he was striking out blindly. He was so confused at this moment that he did not know what he wanted.

Waking to find Roxanne sleeping so sweetly in his bed had thrown his senses into disorder. She was beautiful, generous and passionate—what more could any man want in a wife? He knew that he had discovered a treasure beyond price and it frightened him. How could he ever deserve such a woman?

One day he would break her heart and she would leave him—she might be killed in an accident because he’d broken her heart. To know that he was guilty of bringing her to such misery would destroy him. If he loved her, he would lose her. Far better not to love than to love too much.

Roxanne saw the last of the guests leave and then went upstairs. She knocked at the earl’s door and was invited to enter by his manservant.

‘How is he now, Marshall?’

‘Not so clever, miss. I was just about to send for you to ask what you thought. He doesn’t want a fuss, but I wondered if we should have the doctor again?’

‘I think he would prefer just to rest. There is very little the doctor can do for his condition, you know. I’ll sit with him for a while now. He seems easier when I’m with him, I think.’

‘Yes, he does, Miss Roxanne. I’ve not seen him take to anyone as he has to you, miss, not for years. He’s laughed more these past few weeks than he has since his wife died. He became almost a recluse after his daughter died young. If it had not been for Master Luke he might have given up altogether. Yet he found it hard to show his feelings—just as Master Luke does. I know the earl better than most and I can tell you that his heart has been broken more than once.’

‘I dare say he missed both his wife and his daughter a great deal.’

‘Not that he let on. He just became more buttoned up, if you’ll excuse the phrase—but I think you’re right, miss. Shut himself off, he did, but he’s come back to us since you arrived. I don’t know what he’d do without you now, miss.’

‘Yes, I think he is happier than when I first came,’ Roxanne said and went into the bedchamber. The earl was lying with his eyes shut, but when she sat down close to his side, he opened them and looked at her.

‘You’ve come, then,’ he said. ‘I hoped you might when they’d all gone. Has that grandson of mine gone too?’

‘No, I do not think he plans to leave us just yet,’ Roxanne said. ‘He cares for you more than you might think, sir.’

‘He never showed it before you came. Mind you, I haven’t exactly been loving towards him. I was grieving and so was he. We lost touch and when a breach opens up it’s hard to cross it. We’re both too damned proud for our own good and that’s the truth. We can’t say sorry—and neither of us knows how to love.’

‘I would not say that, sir. Perhaps you find it hard to show your love. I imagine it must be difficult, particularly for two very prickly and stubborn gentlemen.’

‘You’ve worked us out, haven’t you?’ The earl nodded as she merely smiled. ‘I underestimated you when you first came. I wonder if Luke has too. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, girl. I was just the same as a young man. It took my Emily to make me realise what love should be and when she died she took my heart with her.’

‘Yet you do love Luke and he loves you. Do you not think you should tell him before it is too late?’

‘Perhaps you’re right,’ he agreed. ‘I’ve held back all my life—afraid of making a fool of myself or being hurt again, I suppose.’

‘It is hard for everyone to trust once they’ve been hurt. Now, would you like me to read to you for a while or would you prefer to sleep?’

‘I’ve all night for sleeping. Tell me about yourself, Roxanne. Tell me about Sofia—and the life you led with her and the travelling players. I knew a young woman by that name once. She was very beautiful, but she never looked at me. Who knows, had she given me encouragement everything might have been different.’

‘While Sofia lived I was happy with her,’ Roxanne said. ‘She was like a mother to me and she took away the dark emptiness inside me. I wish I might tell you who I am, sir, but apart from a vague feeling about India, which may be merely a game we once played, I remember nothing.’

‘I can tell you that you’re a lady born,’ Hartingdon said. ‘I’ve watched to see if you would let the act slip and you never have. If it were an act, Roxanne, you would make a mistake. No, you’re a lady—and you love my grandson, whether he deserves it or not.’

‘Yes,’ Roxanne said softly. ‘I do, but please do not tell him that for he may not wish to hear it. Sofia was a lady, too, though she did not care for society. She found the social drawing rooms shallow and too insipid. For her drama and life lived to the full was more exciting than a life of domestic cares. She led an exciting life, but in the end I think she regretted that she had not known a true and lasting love.’

‘And you—are you like her, Roxanne?’

‘No, I do not think so. I believe I should enjoy a life in the country, devoted to family and friends and the service of others. I do not wish to be a courtesan and have princes fight over me, as she did.’

‘You’re like my Emily,’ he said and closed his eyes. ‘Tell me some more…about your acting and…’ His voice trailed away and she knew he was sleeping.

Roxanne sat quietly by his side. He woke after a little while and smiled at her, then drifted off to sleep again, reassured that she was there. She held his hand for a while and gave him a drink when he asked.

It was almost midnight when the door of his bedchamber opened and Luke entered, wearing a long silk striped robe, his feet bare.

‘Are you still here?’ he said softly. ‘You should go to bed now, Roxanne. I shall sit with Grandfather for a while.’

‘I will return in a few hours,’ Roxanne said. ‘I do not want him to be left alone, Luke. It is important that he feels loved and wanted, because then he will have the strength to go on.’

‘You really do care for him, don’t you?’

Roxanne inclined her head. She wanted to tell him that the earl was not the only one she cared for, but the words remained unspoken. She’d said too much the previous night and Luke’s anger had shown that he did not wish for her love. He had offered her a business arrangement, not a loving relationship. Unless she wished to end it, she must let him think that her emotions were not truly involved. Luke had been deeply scarred; he was afraid of loving, afraid of commitment.