Ann Lethbridge - Regency Society

He paused his kisses and looked into her face, his eyes sightless, but still searching to reach her, to make her understand. ‘If that one thing is so important to you, then I do not think it is possible for me to give you what you desire. There is only one woman on earth that could command such an intimacy from me. If I deny it of her and tell myself that it is done for her own good, but I give myself freely to another, I will sacrifice the last scrap of honour I have left.’ Without thinking, he touched the pocket of his coat, in a place just over his heart.

‘What were you reaching for, just now?’ she asked.

‘Nothing. It is foolishness, really. And certainly not the time …’

Emily ignored his protests, slipped her hand into his pocket and withdrew a battered miniature, no bigger than a locket. She’d remembered sitting for it when she was sixteen. She’d been quite miserable at the time, having just recovered from influenza.

‘It is my wife, Emily,’ he said softly.

Without thinking, she responded, ‘It is not a very good likeness’, forgetting that there was no way she could know. Then added, ‘Those paintings never are.’

He smiled and took it back from her, opening the cover and running a thumb over the ivory that it was painted on. ‘Perhaps not. But it hardly matters, for it has been some time since I’ve seen it clearly. Still, I like to look on it.’ He held it in front of him as though pretending he could see it, then passed it to her.

The question of a likeness was no longer a matter. In the place he had touched it, he had rubbed the paint away from the ivory, smearing her eyes and leaving only a white smudge in the place where her lips might be.

‘She was a sweet girl,’ he said, smiling and reaching out to take it back. ‘And from what I am told, she has grown into a fine woman.’

‘You do not know?’

‘It has been several years since I’ve seen her, and she has adjusted to my absence. She handles the business of the estate as well, if not better than I would. I sign what papers are needed when she sends them to me, of course. But her decisions are sound, and I have had no reason to question them. My holdings profit from her wisdom.’

‘You treat her no better than your man of business, then?’

‘Hardly,’ he said. ‘Our families were old friends, and when we married, we had been betrothed for ages, promised to each other almost in the cradle. I had no problems with it, at first. But then I learned the fate of my father, and my grandfather before him.’ He gave a wry shrug. ‘It was clear that there could be no normal marriage between us. But it hardly seemed fair to her to cry off. I was by far the best offer the girl was likely to have.’

‘Bloody cheek,’ she murmured.

‘But true, none the less. The title is an old one. The house and lands are enough to tempt any woman. By the time I wed her, she was nearly on the shelf. I had hoped that my neglect of her would put her off me. But she’d waited patiently for me to come back from the army when she could just as well have been at Almack’s on the hunt for a better man.’

‘Or you might have married her sooner,’ she pointed out. ‘Instead of risking your title by buying a commission.’

‘True enough,’ he agreed. ‘The army is a better choice for a second son. It is dangerous for an heir to go into battle. My cousin Rupert was ecstatic, of course.’ When she did not ask, he added, ‘He is next in line for Folbroke.’

She responded with an ‘I see’ to hide her lack of ignorance on the subject. ‘And are you pleased that he will succeed you? Is he worthy of it?’

Adrian frowned. ‘He is my nearest male relative. It does not matter whether he is worthy or not.’

‘Then you think he is not, or you would have answered in the affirmative without hesitation,’ she said.

‘He is not blind,’ Adrian said, as though that answered all. ‘And if desire for an earldom is an indicator of worthiness, then he has more worth than I possess. He wants the place more than I ever did. For my part, I expected Napoleon would finish me off before I had to admit the truth to Emily. Once gone, it would be no concern of mine. I would die gloriously and never have to face the future. Instead, a muzzle flash blinded me, and I was sent home. The surgeon told me that the damage to my eyes was a temporary thing, but I knew better.’

‘And did you explain any of this to your precious Emily?’

He shook his head. ‘I am a coward, and there is your proof of it. I counted her brother as a close friend and comrade, and even he does not know.’

‘There is comfort in that, I suppose.’ For she doubted she could have survived the shame if David had kept the secret from her as Hendricks had.

‘And I have made sure that she will want for nothing, during my life or after it,’ he said, as though it would justify his neglect. ‘She is my countess, with all the comforts and freedoms that the title allows her. She has free access to the accounts, and she may spend them as she sees fit. All that I have, outside of the entail, is deeded to her, secure in trust.’

‘And you think that will be enough to satisfy her, as she waits your return, never knowing what has happened?’

‘I doubt she misses me so very much. It has come to my attention that she means to take a lover.’

‘And who would tell you such an awful thing?’ Since she had only recently learned that he cared at all, it had never occurred to her that her husband might have developed an exaggerated view of her love life.

‘Hendricks, my secretary. He is the man who helped you from the tavern two nights ago. He makes frequent trips between us and acts as my eyes and ears at Folbroke Manor. When he comes to town, I question the poor man quite mercilessly about her.’ He laughed sadly. ‘Recently, it has grown increasingly difficult for him to recount her behaviour. He does not speak of it, of course, but he has a penchant for her as well. And I would not be surprised if she returned his affections.’

‘Certainly not!’ While Hendricks was not unattractive, the idea that she would choose him over Adrian was so ridiculous that she could hardly stand to hear it.

‘Oh, yes, my dear. One does not need eyes to see something like that. When I can get him to speak about her?’ Adrian shrugged. ‘I can tell that the respect in which he holds her is something more than what one would normally find in a servant. I force him to sit with me, share a brandy to loosen his tongue and tell me of her exploits. And through him, I have come to believe that I have quite the cleverest wife a man could wish for.’

‘Except that you think her unfaithful to you.’

Emily could see a muscle tightening in his jaw, as though the matter bothered him more than he was willing to admit. ‘I merely have realistic expectations of her. I abandoned her. And I have no intention of ever returning. If I deserved her fidelity, I would be with her this evening. But I will not saddle her with the care of an invalid. Nor do I wish to live at her side as an affectionate brother, leaving her untouched to spare her the risk of bearing my ill-formed whelps.’

‘But have you not considered? If you continue in this way, your heir is likely to be sired by another man.’

‘Do you think I have not realised the fact?’ He bit out the words, sharp and cold. ‘If she chooses her lovers with the care that she takes with the rest of my business, the child will be strong and sighted. But if I were to get her with child, there is no telling what might happen. And it would leave her stuck with the care of me. She might as well have two infants for all the use I am likely to be in a few short years.’ He laughed mirthlessly. ‘Would you like to go and tell her that she must wipe my chin when the spoon cannot find my mouth? Or put me in leading strings so that I can find my own bedchamber?’