Cathy Mcdavid - Waiting for Baby

There had to be another explanation. Besides, she’d had her period a couple of weeks ago. Granted, it was a few days late and lighter than normal, but still a period. She’d even endured her usual cramping the day or two before.

“Who’s ready for a tour of the stables?” Briana’s question was met with great enthusiasm from everyone, especially Jimmy Bob, who was glued to her side. “Okay then, stay together. No wandering off. And no talking to the guests.”

Lilly knew she should go with the group but her feet refused to obey her brain’s command. When Jake tapped her on the shoulder, she practically jumped out of her skin.

“I’m going to talk to the farrier. Be back in a few minutes.”

“Sure.” She smiled weakly.

Watching Jake stride off, she decided that if she didn’t feel better by tomorrow, she’d call her doctor and make an appointment. Another change in dosage, another switch to a different brand of pill and she’d be back to her old self.

She continued to delude herself for the rest of the morning and several days after that until it became impossible.

“HOW COULD THIS have happened?”

“The pill isn’t infallible. And you only began taking it shortly before becoming intimate.”

“He used a condom.” Most of the time.

“They break. Leak. Come off.”

“You’ve seen my records, you know my history. Before Evan, I had two stillbirths. One at five and a half months, the other at seven.” Lilly’s voice rose in pitch with each sentence she uttered.

Her doctor’s voice, on the other hand, remained calm. “One thing you have to remember, Lilly, is this baby has a different father. The trisomy disorder that affected your previous children may have been a fluke combination of your DNA with your ex-husband’s.”

Lilly lifted her head, which had been propped in her hand, to meet Dr. Thea Paul’s intense yet compassionate gaze. She liked the ob/gyn, who was a plain old small-town doctor and not a specialist in some obscure field of medicine Lilly didn’t understand. She’d certainly had her fill of those back in Phoenix.

“I’m the carrier.” She sniffed and wiped her damp cheeks. The emotions she’d been attempting to hold at bay over-whelmed her, and she blubbered, “That’s what the other doctors told us.”

Her fault the babies died. Her corrupt DNA.

It was why she’d vowed never to get pregnant again, why she was so diligent about birth control—at least, she’d meant to be diligent.

Dr. Paul got up from her chair, came around her desk and sat in the chair adjacent to Lilly’s. She took Lilly’s hand in hers. “Science and medicine aren’t exact. I’m sure the other doctors explained your odds of having a healthy baby.”

“Fifty-fifty. But that’s not how it turned out.” The chromosomal abnormality Lilly had passed on to her babies occurred only in males.

“Nature isn’t exact, either,” Dr. Paul said.

“I had my period.” Lilly still resisted.

“Spotting, even heavy spotting, in the first trimester is common and can be confused with menstrual flow.”

She wasn’t reassured. Spotting and cramps had plagued her other three pregnancies. Accepting the tissue Dr. Paul offered, she blew her nose.

“This is all so…unexpected and…upsetting.” She sobbed quietly. “God, you must think I’m a terrible person. All your other patients are probably thrilled to learn they’re pregnant.”

“Of course I don’t think you’re terrible,” Dr. Paul said soothingly. “You’ve been through a lot and have every reason to worry about the health of your baby. There are several tests you can have that will determine—”

“No tests. They’re too risky.”

“Some are, that’s true, but they can help you make an informed decision.”

Lilly had heard of two patients at the hospital where she’d worked who’d miscarried after having amniocentesis. “There’s only one decision to make. I’m having the baby.”

Lilly’s personal beliefs wouldn’t allow her to terminate her pregnancy. It had been a contentious issue between her and Brad and a contributing factor to their divorce. When she became pregnant a second time, he’d insisted she undergo every available test.

She did as he’d asked. The results had revealed that the baby, also a boy, suffered from the same genetic disorder as his brother. After much pressure, Lilly succumbed to her husband’s wishes and went so far as to schedule the termination but changed her mind at the last minute, to her husband’s fury. For two long, agonizing months she carried the baby, knowing his chances of survival were slim to none but praying for a miracle.

The stillbirth broke her heart and nearly shattered her spirit.

With Evan, she’d stood her ground and refused all testing. What was the point when an abortion was out of the question? Fear and anxiety were her constant companion during that third pregnancy but so was hope for a girl and a different outcome. She wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world, then and now.

“Your decision, of course.” Dr. Paul squeezed Lilly’s fingers. “And you can always change your mind later on.”

“I won’t.”

Dr. Paul reached for Lilly’s paperwork and made some notations. “You feel strongly now, which is understandable. That may change, however, when you talk to the baby’s father.”

Jake!

Lilly had been so busy the last few days denying the possibility of pregnancy, she hadn’t considered what to tell him. Admitting her condition would be bad enough, especially when she’d assured him she’d been using birth control. Admitting the fact that their baby could be born deformed—if she even carried to term—was unimaginable. And grossly unfair to Jake. She knew firsthand the difficulties and potential agony facing them. He didn’t. Worse, she was taking away his choice in the matter by choosing to have the baby regardless of his feelings.

“I can’t tell him.” She swallowed another sob. “Not yet.”

“I’m your physician,” Dr. Paul said. “It’s not my place to advise you on personal matters. But as the father, he does have a right to know about the baby.”

For one wild second, Lilly contemplated hiding her pregnancy from Jake. Then she remembered her agreement to accompany the center’s clients on their visits to Bear Creek Ranch. He was no stranger to pregnant women and no dummy. He’d eventually figure out her condition and realize he was the father.

“I need some time before I make any announcements.” There was so much to consider. Her job. Her family. The expenses not covered by her health insurance. Astronomical medical bills had also contributed greatly to her marital problems with her ex-husband.

And then there was Jake.

Lilly started to rise. Her unsteady legs refused to support her, and she immediately dropped back into the chair.

“That’s a good idea. And do think about the tests. I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t advise you to have them.” Dr. Paul handed Lilly several sheets of paper. “Take these to the front desk. The nurse will call in your prescription for prenatal vitamins.”

“Thank you.” Lilly tried again to stand and managed it this time.

“Since you’re a high-risk pregnancy, I’d like to see you every two weeks if your schedule allows it.”

Lilly nodded and stumbled out of Dr. Paul’s office. She paid her bill, scheduled her next appointment and gave the nurse the name and phone number of her pharmacy, all in a daze. The ground blurred on her walk across the parking lot to her car. She was barely aware of the return drive to the center and was surprised to find herself parked in her reserved space.

Sitting behind the steering wheel, she waited before leaving the car. Carefully, as if the slightest touch might harm the life growing inside her, she rested a hand on her abdomen.