Buffy Andrews - Our Fragile Hearts

Nick picked up a paper towel and wiped off his messy hands. Whenever he ate wings, we knew to pile a half-dozen paper towels on the bar beside him. He hated using napkins. Said they were too thin and always ripped. He took a sip of his beer. “It would be a damn shame if you never dated again, Rachel.”

I have to admit my heart fluttered. I caught Claire’s glance out of the corner of my eye. She knew I thought Nick was sexy. “Why would it be a shame?” I asked.

He shrugged. “You just seem like the type of girl who should have someone special. Settle down. Have kids.”

I held up my hand. “Stop! No kids. I have a kid now and I never want another one.”

“Piper is your sister,” Nick said. “That’s not exactly the same thing.”

I could feel my anger begin to boil. “The hell it isn’t. Who’s raising her? Me. Who gets up in the middle of the night to calm her after a bad dream? Me. Who buys her clothes and food and pretty barrettes? Me. Who takes care of her when she’s sick?”

“Okay. Okay.” Nick held up both hands. “I take it back. I guess you’re a special case.”

“I’m a special case, all right.” I rolled my eyes.

“Look,” Claire said. “I know it’s hard raising Piper and I know it’s not what you planned. But you are doing an amazing job. You know what foster care was like for us. Besides Miss Evelyn, you and I ended up in some pretty crappy places.”

Claire was right. We’d both loved living with Miss Evelyn, but the other homes we’d been placed in weren’t much better than the ones we’d come from, especially the Jordans. They had an older boy and he always wanted to see my private parts. He paid me a nickel to show him and I did it. He never touched me, he just looked. I saved the nickels and, when I had enough, bought a candy bar. Then, one night, Jordan came into my room and he wanted to do more than look. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

“You’re giving her a much better home than she would’ve had otherwise,” Claire said.

“I know, I know. It’s just that it’s so hard. I miss my old life.”

“So get some of it back,” Claire said. “Just because you’re Piper’s guardian doesn’t mean you have to give up everything. If you want to go out on a date, get a babysitter.”

I shook my head. “Not now. Maybe in time. Piper is too anxious. I think she’s afraid I’m going to leave her like Mom. She follows me around the house like a puppy. She wants to be in whatever room I’m in. I miss my privacy.”

Claire cleared away Nick’s plates. “Anything else?”

He shook his head. He finished his beer and pushed the pint glass toward Claire. Claire picked up the glass and put it in the small dishwasher behind the bar.

Nick shifted in his stool so he was turned toward me. “Claire’s right, you know? It’s great what you’re doing for Piper. But that doesn’t mean you can’t date.”

“Who’s going to want to date someone that has this kind of baggage? I wouldn’t.”

“I see your point,” Claire said. “But you never know.”

“Yeah, you never know,” Nick said.

The alert on my phone sounded. “I have to go. I promised Piper I’d meet her at the bus stop.” I slid off the bar stool and grabbed my purse. “Thanks again, Claire, for letting me borrow the dress.”

“Anytime. I miss you!”

“I miss you, too.”

Nick ran his fingers through his hair. “Later, Rachel. Take care of the kid. And yourself.”

“Thanks.” I walked out the door and climbed into my car. I heard the text alert on my phone and pulled it out of my purse. Claire had texted me . Nick watched you leave.

I texted back a smiley face emoticon.

I pulled up to the bus stop and parked. I’d planned on parking at our apartment and walking up to the stop, but the traffic was heavier than I thought it’d be and there wasn’t enough time. I got out of the car and walked up to the corner behind a woman pushing a stroller and talking on a cellphone. Two moms were chatting about a TV show and a dad was trying to keep his toddler content by tossing a plastic ball with him. The stroller mom stopped beside me. I heard her say goodbye.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m Heather.”

I held out my hand. “Rachel.”

“I’m not looking forward to filling out all the paperwork tonight, are you?”

“Paperwork?”

“Oh, this is your first, huh?”

She didn’t wait for me to reply but jumped right into the next sentence. “There’s always a ton of paperwork to fill out on the first day. I hate it and of course my husband doesn’t want to be bothered so that means it’s all on me. With two kids in school now that’s double the paperwork. Ugh!”

Just as she finished her lament, the bus turned into the apartment complex. The guy tossing the ball with the toddler picked up the boy. The women discussing the TV show stopped talking. All eyes were on the bus as it came to a screeching halt. The kids tumbled out of the door and ran into open arms. A little girl bounced over to Heather and hugged her baby sister and then her mom. Twin boys ran to one of the moms who’d been talking TV only seconds before. Soon every parent had a kid – except me.

My heart started to race. Thump! Thump! Thump! I hated that I felt so parental. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be the carefree twenty-two-year-old I was three months ago. What was wrong with me? Just as I was about to peek inside the bus and talk to the driver, Piper appeared.

Her cheeks were blotchy and red. She’d been crying. When she saw me, a smile erupted on her face. “You came!”

She ran to me, dropped her backpack and threw her arms around my waist.

“Of course, Pipe. I told you I’d be here when you came home.”

I caught a few smiles from other parents as they glanced in our direction.

I rubbed the top of Piper’s head. She squeezed my waist so tightly I couldn’t move. “Are you ready to go home?”

She let go of my waist and nodded. “It took a long time for that bus to come and get me.”

Piper said the funniest things and I couldn’t help but smile. “Let’s go home and you can tell me all about it.”

Piper emptied her backpack onto the kitchen table. Heather was right. There was a ton of paperwork to fill out. I sorted through the papers while Piper ate a bowl of cereal.

“So, did you like school?”

Piper shook her head while continuing to shovel cereal into her mouth as if she were afraid someone would take the bowl away if she stopped.

“What did you eat in school?”

“Nuggets.”

I looked at the school menu. It was the only blue paper in Piper’s stack. “Oh, you like chicken nuggets.”

Piper scrunched her freckled nose. “Their nuggets tasted funny.”

I looked at the menu. “What about the pudding? You were supposed to have pudding. Did you like that?”

“I like Mommy’s pudding. She puts whipped cream on top. I asked for whipped cream but they didn’t have any.”

I decided that perhaps food wasn’t a great topic. “I bet you made a lot of new friends.”

She shook her head.

“Oh, come on. You met Jacy.”

Finally, a smile. I mentioned Jacy and Piper’s face lit up like a slot machine when the jackpot’s won.

“Jacy and I sat at the same table. Mrs. Baker picked us to be line leaders when we walked to the cafeteria. And we swung together at recess.”

Piper finished her cereal and I listened as she told me all about Jacy. I learned Jacy could read an entire book, could go the whole way across the monkey bars without falling and didn’t have any brothers or sisters but a dog named Winnie the Poodle.

“Winnie the Poodle?”

Piper nodded. “Yep. It’s a poodle and she likes Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Poodle. Get it?”