C.J. Miller - Special Forces Seduction

He tapped his finger against her leg. “Are you planning to stay in Montana and raise cattle with your family?”

He sounded sincere and she appreciated that he was trying to understand. He wouldn’t understand this. What she wanted now was so over the invisible line of where their relationship ended, she couldn’t voice it without feeling silly.

“I haven’t decided what I will do.” She had saved enough money to grant her the luxury of time to decide.

“What about your operatives and contacts?” Finn asked.

Hyde had turned away jobs over the last several months. She didn’t have employees who relied on her, not in the traditional sense. She had referred operatives with special skills to jobs that warranted them and vetted agents in the field. When she’d quit, she’d washed her hands of it and had been comfortable with that decision.

Finn was the one open item on the past. She couldn’t have Finn and a family. “Operatives I’ve worked with will work for someone else.” It was how the game was played. The network she had painstakingly built from influential contacts now felt unfulfilling. She had made herself a warrior for the cause, any cause she believed in, and most important, causes where a woman was in danger. Those were the ones closest to her heart. She was walking away from those women who had needed her, often in crisis, but she would find other ways to give back.

He brushed at the hair at her temple. “When we last met, you loved your job.”

When she had last seen Finn, they had spent three days in the Maldives Islands. She’d been fresh off an assignment, relaxed and excited. Stress relief, great conversation and mind-blowing sex wrapped up in one person were how she’d rejuvenated herself between missions. What he’d offered was everything she had needed, and for that, she was grateful. “I’m tired of this job. I want a simpler life.”

Finn ran his index finger down her cheek. He was pure temptation. “You’ll be bored.”

Not if she found the right career or hobby. Plenty of people lived in the same town, drove to the same job each day and collected a paycheck every two weeks. She could do the same and she would be happy doing it. A husband and family could be in the cards for her. “I’ll be busy.”

“Busy isn’t happy. I don’t understand why anyone would want a house that breaks and a job that goes nowhere.”

Hyde’s brain spun. It wasn’t as if she was thinking about marrying Finn, but to hear him describe the life she wanted in disparaging terms, Hyde was hurt. She needed more than Finn could give her. Though she had known Finn wouldn’t settle down with her, or anyone, hearing him speak the words felt like the death toll on their relationship.

Finn closed his eyes, oblivious to how she felt. That was one downside of subconsciously masking her emotions out of habit. No one could read her. “I don’t see it that way. My new job will be exciting because it will be different. I’ll have time off. I’ll have friends I see more than once every few months or years.”

“You are the most complicated woman I have ever known.”

A compliment? Why the groan? “I don’t think I’m complicated.”

He shifted in the bed, moving the pillows. “The secrets you keep would make the average person insane. You hide them like you hide everything. But I have no room to criticize.”

If he knew her biggest, most painful secret, how would he feel? He may blame her. He might be angry. If he was relieved, she wasn’t sure she could handle that. She would interpret his relief as happiness not to be tied to a baby who would have been an inconvenience to him and his work. It wasn’t fair to leap to that conclusion, but right now the only acceptable emotions surrounding her baby were grief, loss and sadness. Thinking of her baby, sorrow crashed around her. She put distance between her and Finn. “I can’t be up late. I have a wedding brunch tomorrow morning.”

“Isn’t that what the reception was for?” Finn asked.

“Victoria and Thomas want to spend time with family, especially those who traveled a long distance, while they have the opportunity,” Hyde said. She and Finn hadn’t spoken much about their families. Did he get along with his?

In the last three months, she had been to a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, a rehearsal dinner, three dress fittings and a craft show. She had looped orange ribbons on bells and tied bows on bottles of bubbles while drinking wine with her sisters and mother. A different experience for her and she had enjoyed each. “Don’t you want to spend time with your family?”

“Family is overrated,” Finn said. Indifference emanated from his voice.

Red flags went up. Much about this conversation was telling. She hadn’t realized how focused he was on his job. “I didn’t realize you felt that way.”

“Too much drama.”

Hyde didn’t press him. If family was unimportant to him, she couldn’t change that with a conversation.

Finn shifted and adjusted the blankets. Though Finn rarely emoted, she sensed he was upset.

“Tell me what’s on your mind.” She set her hand on his arm and Finn covered it with his own.

“I was thinking about Simon. About his plans for the future. He wanted a wedding and a family. He met your sister and he fell hard. She and their life together were taken from him. Thea has Simon’s eyes. Haunting.”

She and Finn harbored guilt about Simon and Lydia’s relationship. Hyde, for not warning Lydia to keep her distance from Simon, and Finn, because Finn believed he could have saved Simon from his untimely death.

Hyde didn’t think any action on Finn’s part would have altered the outcome. She had voiced that sentiment before and he’d blown her off.

Death was a reality they faced daily. Spies accepted dangerous assignments in unstable places. Hyde had been close to death a few times. She had been shot. She had broken her leg and been left for dead. She had been imprisoned. She had defied the odds and felt blessed to be alive.

“Lydia will like to know that Simon cared deeply for her. I’ll be happy when I can tell her the truth,” Hyde said.

From what Lydia had shared, she and Simon had talked about a future. They’d discussed marriage. Lydia also believed that Simon had manipulated her, promising a life together as a line to get her into bed. Hyde had wanted to spill the truth. Simon’s intentions had been genuine.

“She deserves at least that,” Finn said. “When she tells Thea about her father, it shouldn’t be to explain he was a loser who abandoned them.”

They lapsed into silence, lost in their thoughts.

“Are you planning to be a spy forever?” Hyde asked.

Finn propped his head on his hand. “I’m good at it. I don’t know if there’s anything else that would make me as happy as this work.”

She’d had similar thoughts in the past. “You might see it differently one day.”

“You sound like my mother,” he said, and he sounded exhausted.

Interesting that he’d mentioned his family again. “Does your mom know you’re a spy?”

“She thinks I work as a contractor for a defense firm. She doesn’t know specifics,” Finn said. “That’s something I like about you. You know what I do. I don’t have to hide much from you.”

“We have secrets,” Hyde said.

“When I’m with you, I can relax. You know the ground rules. You don’t pry.”

Prying was exactly what she wanted to do except she had no interest in pressing him for details about his missions, past or future. She wanted to know more about him, his life, his childhood. They had spent time together, and she felt like she had barely scratched the surface learning what made him tick. It may not change anything. Finn was against having a family, and having a family was her new dream. If she had an explanation, would that make parting easier?