Michelle Sagara - Cast In Honour

“I don’t want you to live in the infirmary. One: I was told it was almost illegal, and I want to believe that everyone has to live by the same rules. Two: it’s not a home . You never get to leave your place of work. Everything frustrating about it—and having seen some of your patients, I can’t believe there’s no frustration—is around you all the time.

“If you’re here because you won’t take a leave of absence—and I get that because I couldn’t afford to lose more than a week’s pay myself—”

Teela cleared her throat.

Kaylin forged ahead. “—then the Hawks are grateful. You’re scary—but anyone who wasn’t couldn’t be in charge here. People obey you instinctively. They obey you when you give orders.”

“Or when I tell them to get the hell out of my infirmary?”

Kaylin reddened, but plunged on. “I know Aerians don’t live in normal houses. I know the Aerie is nothing like any of the rooms we’ve seen in Helen so far. But Helen can make quarters that will at least be comfortable for you. It’s not far from the Halls, and there’s nothing wrong with your legs. If you’re likely to face assassins while walking to work, it’s not more of a risk than you probably faced while flying in.”

“Kaylin—no.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want—”

“I’m not at risk, Moran!” Kaylin was almost surprised at the strength of her emotional response—an emotion she was trying very hard to name.

Her efforts, as they often were when she felt too strongly about something, were apparently wasted. Moran’s eyes shifted back to gray, though. “Kitling,” she said—a word she seldom used with Kaylin, “—it’s not that I don’t appreciate the offer.”

“I’ve never had much,” Kaylin said, in a lower tone. “When I came here—when the Hawklord chose not to—” She swallowed. “I had the clothing on my back and the gear I’d used to scale the Tower. I had my weapons. I didn’t have a coin in my pocket. I didn’t have a home of my own.

“Not everyone loved me. Not everyone liked me. One or two people were offended by my very presence. But most of the Hawks were at least neutral, and some of them were even friendly. Caitlin helped me find a place of my own. I didn’t have the money to pay for it, so the Hawks did.”

“That came out of a very specific budget, I recall.”

“Yes. The mascot budget. Which was embarrassing, but—people helped me . When I needed help, they gave it.”

“I do not need help.”

“No?” Kaylin forced her hands to relax, because she had balled them into fists. “I know you won’t die without it. But you know what? I wouldn’t have died, either. I knew how to survive. This is the first time in my life I’ve been able to offer to help. To pay back to the Hawks what was given to me .”

“Kitling.” Teela’s use of the word was so common it might have been Kaylin’s actual name. She slid an arm around Kaylin’s shoulders. “Your age is showing.” When Kaylin failed to reply, Teela added, “No one helped you out because we wanted to humiliate you—if I recall the early days, you did that quite effectively on your own.”

“Thanks a lot, Teela.”

“No one helped you with the expectation that you would owe us, or be obligated to us, in future. Any kindness done to you in the past is not an obligation you must carry with you until you can—somewhat forcefully, I feel—discharge it.”

“It’s not really that,” Kaylin said, looking at her feet. “It’s just—I never had much. I have things now. The Hawks are the only family I have. Moran, you’re a Hawk.” She lifted her chin. “You’re like a terrifying aunt or older sister. Not Barrani-scary—if you’re angry at me, I know I deserve it.”

Teela cleared her throat.

“But I feel like—I feel—” She stopped. “I know this is not really about me.”

“But?” Moran unexpectedly prompted.

“I feel like somehow, still, after years of being a Hawk, and working hard, and becoming an adult—I feel like I’m not grown-up enough, or not good enough , to be allowed to help you.”

“Ugh,” Moran replied. “It has nothing to do with that. It’s not about you , you’re right. I just don’t want to involve you in my personal affairs.”

“And if Teela had offered?”

“I don’t want to involve me in Teela’s personal affairs.”

Kaylin laughed. “I don’t have much choice.”

“You really don’t,” Teela agreed. “The perils of joining the force as a minor, even as a mascot.”

“We can drop the mascot bit anytime now.”

“Kids,” Moran said. “You can have the rest of that particular discussion in the hall. I’ve heard it enough to know there’s nothing new for an audience in it.” They remained silent, and she looked down at the desk, where the familiar was still expectantly perched. “This is irresponsible,” she continued.

“You don’t have to decide right now,” Kaylin told her. “But—come with me when you’re off shift? You can meet Helen. You can see where I live—and where everyone else lives, if they’re okay with that. You can decide then.”

“Fine. Fine, I’ll visit.”

Kaylin wanted to cheer. “Now?”

Moran sighed. “I suppose we might as well get it over with.”

* * *

“You’re expected at the library,” Teela reminded her quietly as they exited the infirmary.

“I know,” Kaylin replied.

“Kitling—”

“She’ll change her mind. If we don’t get her home, she’ll change her mind. I can talk to the Arkon tomorrow.”

“Your funeral.”

* * *

“You live in this neighborhood?” Moran asked as they walked toward Kaylin’s home. Trees—well-groomed and towering—covered the street as if they were nature’s fences.

“I know, right? But it’s where Helen was built.”

“I’m still having difficulty with that.”

“With what?”

“With thinking of a building as a person. It’s not that it has a name—buildings frequently do. So do rooms. They don’t generally have people names, though.”

“Or personalities,” Kaylin agreed. “You’ll understand it better when you meet her.”

Out of the corner of her mouth, Moran asked Teela, “Why did I think this was a good idea?”

“You didn’t, that I recall. You just weren’t willing to accept the cost of refusing to consider it.”

Moran glared at Kaylin. “Teela doesn’t live with you, correct?”

“No. Two of her friends do, and she’s coming with me to check up on them.”

“So...I’d be living with Barrani.”

“Not technically. You might hear them, but at least one of them has been practically invisible for weeks. They’re not like normal Barrani—I think you’d actually like them.”

Teela coughed, but Moran smiled. When the Aerian smiled, she looked vastly more vulnerable—maybe that was why she did it so seldom. “Is there anything else I should know?”

“Not really. Helen likes flowers.”

Moran blinked.

“...And I’m shutting up now. You’ll see.”

* * *

Helen was waiting in the foyer by the time Kaylin entered the house. Like Tara, Helen understood Kaylin’s visceral dislike of door wards; she even considered it sensible, as no one liked pain. She smiled brightly at the sight of Teela.

“I’m so glad you’ve come,” she told the Barrani. “I’m not certain I can talk any more sense into Annarion; he is very, very worried. Mandoran’s been trying, but Annarion has shut him out completely.”

“Yes, I’d heard,” Teela replied. “Are they in the basement?”