Rachel Lee - Conard County Marine

“Yeah. Sort of.”

Just then heavy steps alerted them and Coop appeared carrying a coffeepot and three mugs. “Want to join me?”

Kylie felt Ashley look at her. Apparently it was to be her decision. A moment of amusement passed through her. Glenda swore she wasn’t interested in Coop. Now she wondered if Ashley was. “Love to,” she answered. Regardless of how she might be feeling, she could see no point in interfering with Ashley’s romantic interest.

Coop poured and passed the coffee around and set the pot on a coaster. “If I’m a fifth wheel, tell me.”

Kylie shook her head. “You’re fine. We were talking about my amnesia. We might as well talk about it. It’s kind of lying there in the middle of everything.”

Coop sat on the other end of the couch. “So...how much did you lose?”

“About three years for sure,” she said honestly. “All my time in Denver, all my schooling and training there...it’s a big blank. I don’t even remember people who were apparently my friends. The thing that also worries me is I don’t know if I have other blanks from earlier in my life.”

He lifted one corner of his mouth. “I think we all have those blanks.”

“That’s what Glenda said.” But she felt a burst of resentment. Having amnesia wasn’t something to be minimized. Not being able to trust your own memory at all wasn’t something to be brushed aside. But railing about it would only make these people feel bad, and all they were trying to do was make her feel better. God, this whole thing had turned her into some kind of mess.

Apparently Coop was better at understanding people than she would have expected from a marine. He spoke quietly. “I’m not trying to be dismissive, Kylie. Not at all.”

“No,” she agreed, the irritation remaining with her. “Everyone’s trying to be reassuring. And, yeah, I get that most of us don’t have the best memories, and that we all forget things, but it’s different when you lose three whole years!”

She heard her own voice rise with vehemence and didn’t care. Let them deal with it. It stank. All of it stank. Being attacked and nearly killed would have been bad enough all on its own, but losing a big chunk of her life? Losing all that work toward her master’s degree?

It was as if some part of her brain had simply shut down the sections labeled “Denver” and “Grad School.” She hoped she never remembered the attack. If that was all she had forgotten, she’d gladly live with it. But she had lost a whole lot more, and now she had to wonder what other things were lost that shouldn’t have been. Sure, everyone had holes in their memories, but usually they forgot unimportant things. She couldn’t be sure she hadn’t lost the important ones.

Then shame pierced her. “I’m sorry. You’re both trying to be so nice.”

“Well, maybe,” Ashley said, “us being nice isn’t what you need. Do you want me and the girls to stay away for a while, give you a chance to settle? Because honestly, Kylie, I’ve never dealt with anyone with amnesia before. You’re going to have to tell me what you want and what you don’t want.”

“That’s just it. I don’t think I know.” Kylie dropped her head against the back of the chair and closed her eyes. “It’s weird, Ashley. I keep feeling like I’m meeting myself for the first time and I don’t know who I am anymore. I remember who I used to be. But who am I now?”

Coop spoke slowly. “I realize I’m a stranger here and should probably just keep my mouth shut...”

Kylie opened her eyes and looked at him. “Just say it.” At this point she had no idea who might hold a key that would unlock the tension inside her and just allow her to move on. Because moving on was her only choice, and she really couldn’t understand why she was resisting it, fighting it, as if nothing mattered but remembering.

“There are a lot of ways life can give us that feeling,” he said quietly. “I’ve had it a few times myself. An experience that completely changes you. Now admittedly, I knew exactly what I’d been through that caused it, but I do understand the feeling. It’ll pass, Kylie. Whether you regain your memory or not, eventually you accept that who you are now is all you are now.”

“Wise words,” she said quietly.

He shook his head a little. “I’m no sage. I’m just trying to tell you that what you’re feeling is a natural response to a huge change.”

She propped her chin in her hand and closed her eyes, thinking about it. He was right. But so was she. Life had stolen something priceless from her, and she didn’t think she was going to be happy about that anytime soon. But wondering who she was? Maybe that was a pointless exercise.

Ashley spoke. “You’re looking tired, Kylie. I’ll leave now and let the girls know you’re okay. Or Coop can tell Connie.”

“You go ahead,” Coop said. “I’ve been temporarily banished for the crime of overstimulating kids.”

Ashley laughed. “The two young ones wind up faster than a top. How long is your banishment?”

“Only until tomorrow morning. Then I’ll be in demand again.”

Kylie watched Ashley rise and head for the door, Coop right behind her, playing the host. Or maybe he was interested in her, too. Ashley was beautiful, all right, with that strawberry blonde hair, a color no one would ever get out of a bottle. Next to her, Kylie felt plain, not that she’d ever minded before.

But then Ashley was gone and it was just her and Coop. She hadn’t touched the coffee he’d poured, but he grabbed the mugs and carried them to the kitchen, and when he returned with them, he poured more for both of them.

“You want me to be scarce?” he asked. “I do know how.”

She looked at him and envied him. “Right now I wish I were in your skin.”

A surprised sound escaped him. “What?”

“You look so comfortable with yourself. Like earlier, when Ashley was here, you just sat there looking like you belong right here.”

He hesitated, then sat, legs splayed, elbows resting on his jeans. “I’m not sure I’m following.”

“I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore,” she admitted, feeling as if her heart were tearing. “I don’t know why. I practically grew up in this house, but I don’t feel like I belong here, either. And...I’m scared all the time!”

There, she’d admitted it and she wasn’t happy with her own outburst. She felt weak, silly, maybe a little crazy. The only Kylie she remembered was the one from years ago, before life had stolen so much from her. That Kylie hadn’t lived in fear. That Kylie had been happy being Kylie and had felt comfortable in this house, in this town...

“God,” she whispered, “what did that man do to me?”

Chapter 3

Coop didn’t know how to respond. All the appropriate words sprang to mind about traumas, major life changes, all of it, but speaking them wasn’t going to fix a damn thing for Kylie, and she’d probably heard it all already from the medical people. He understood what she was trying to say—he could even identify with some of it—but he had no handy-dandy answers to offer.

Finally, carefully, he said, “I’m not as comfortable as I look.”

That brought her head up, and her reddening eyes fixed on him. “You look like you own your space.”

“That’s easy to do when you’re a big guy and a marine. But it’s all on the surface.”

She started to shake her head, and he could tell she didn’t believe him.

“Look,” he said. “I’m living in your sister’s house for a few weeks. Nice offer and all that, and I wouldn’t want to offend her or cause my cousin to feel bad, but frankly I’d be a whole lot more comfortable in that motel no one wants me to stay at. Instead I’m a guest in a stranger’s house.”