Laura Ellen Anderson - Amelia Fang and the Naughty Caticorns

GERRARD, BUTLER AND MO

Gerrard, who was wearing a small, frilly collar, twirled on the spot. Butler tapped a little tune with his claws and pinged the bow around his neck, and Mo – who was wearing a cute knitted jumper – adjusted her glasses before drawing an imaginary heart in the air with her paws.

Amelia thought her cold vampiric heart might just explode with love.

‘Hi, Gerrard. Hi, Butler. Hi, Mo!’ she said to each caticorn in turn. ‘I’m Amelia! And this is my pet pumpkin Squashy, and my best friends, Florence and Grimaldi.’

‘ALWITE, VERY SMALL CATS!’ said Florence with a wave. ‘OR DO YOU PREFER TO BE CALLED UNICORNS? OR UNICATS?’ She scratched her head. ‘THIS IS COMPLICATED.’

‘They’re caticorns, dear!’ declared Aunt Lavitora. Then she leaned in and dabbed Florence’s nose with one finger. ‘And what a delightful beast you are!’ she cooed.

Amelia put her head in her hands. Uh oh, she thought.

Florence straightened up and puffed out her chest.

‘I AM NOT A BEAST!’ she said loudly.

The caticorns whimpered. Florence spotted this and said as quietly as she could muster (which was still very loud indeed), ‘I’M A RARE BREED OF YETI!’

Then she bent down and patted the caticorns in turn. ‘SORRY, TINY UNICORN KITTIES, IT’S SUMFIN’ I SIMPLY ’AVE TO DO WHENEVER ANYONE SAYS THAT B-WORD.’

Aunt Lavitora stood in shocked silence. Amelia tried not to laugh.

‘Hellooooo, Gerrard, Butler and Mo! It’s very nice to meet you!’ said Grimaldi, trying to ease the tension. He waved his scythe around, narrowly missing Gerrard’s horn. The caticorns yelped and hid behind Lavitora’s skirt. ‘Oops, sorry about that!’ said Grimaldi, looking embarrassed. He put the scythe behind his back.

‘Now, now,’ said Lavitora, ushering the caticorns out from behind her. ‘Don’t be silly. Let’s show Amelia, the rare breed and Gary-Mouldy just how brave and brilliant you are.’

Florence narrowed her eyes. Grimaldi blushed.

Lavitora straightened Mo’s glasses, before addressing Amelia. ‘I literally JUST picked up my little darklings from Batwings Boarding School for the Bright and Beaming !’ she said. ‘Best school in the Kingdoms of the Dark and the Light, you know! They’re taught how to be polite and proper little creatures there, so I’m sure they’ll be very well behaved for you.’

Aunt Lavorita leaned forward so that the smell of her rotten raspberry perfume filled Amelia’s nostrils. ‘Here’s a suitcase full of gifts to keep them happy. There should be enough to amuse my precious little floofs for the whole night! I shall be back by moonset.’

She shoved the large suitcase into Amelia’s arms, then turned to her crow and said, ‘Monroe, did Professor McShady reply to my message about the cloud complex?’

Gerrard tugged on Aunt Lavitora’s skirt. ‘Mew,’ he said.

‘In a moment, darkling,’ said Aunt Lavitora, waving a hand at the little caticorn.

‘SQUAAAAAAAAAWK!’ replied the crow.

‘Thank you, Monroe,’ said Lavitora. Then she looked at Amelia and smiled. ‘Sorry about that. Being the boss of Manors and Morgues just takes up ALL of my time. Especially when the wealthiest leprechaun in the Kingdom of the Light wants to talk about building a new cloud complex in Glitteropolis! I am just sooooooo busy!’

Amelia couldn’t think of anything more boring than building a cloud complex. ‘I’d really like to be a pumpkinologist when I grow up,’ she said proudly.

Aunt Lavitora burst out laughing. ‘You strange little thing! You don’t want to do a grubby job like that!’

Amelia frowned and was about to respond crossly when her mother shuffled into the entrance hall.

‘Sister!’ called Countess Frivoleeta. She greeted Aunt Lavitora with a floaty kiss on both cheeks. ‘ So awful to see you! ’

‘It’s been TOO LONG, Frivvy!’ said Aunt Lavitora.

‘Only ten years,’ mumbled Count Drake.

Countess Frivoleeta stamped on his toe.

Lavitora held out the bunch of withering roses to her sister. ‘ Here! ’ she said.

Countess Frivoleeta looked surprised. ‘Oh! You shouldn’t have!’ she said as a dead petal fell gently to the floor.

Aunt Lavitora chuckled. ‘Oh, I didn’t!’ she said. ‘These are for ME. I just need you to hold them whilst I pull up my very expensive stockings. The roses were a treat to myself for selling another house in the Rickety Residences. Y’know, I’ve sold THIRTEEN AND A HALF houses in that area alone. AND I was just telling Amelia here about a very exciting deal with Professor McShady – the wealthiest leprechaun in the Kingdom of the Light!’ She yanked at her shimmering stocking and then took the flowers back.

Count Drake pretended to yawn and fall asleep. He sneaked a wink at Amelia, who tried very hard not to giggle.

‘Oh. That is very exciting to hear, sister,’ said Countess Frivoleeta flatly. ‘We’re all fine, by the way, in case you were wondering . . .’ But then she spotted the caticorns and gasped. ‘Goodness me, is that Gerrard, Butler and Mo?’ The countess leaned in a little closer and smiled sweetly. ‘It’s so lovely to finally meet you!’

‘They’re divine, aren’t they?’ said Aunt Lavitora absent-mindedly, pulling out a notebook from her top pocket and scribbling down some big numbers.

Butler tapped Aunt Lavitora on the elbow, trying to get her attention.

‘Not now, snookipoop,’ said Lavitora. ‘Mummy has important business to attend to.’

Countess Frivoleeta cleared her throat. ‘Well, would you like to stay for a cup of scream tea before you go?’

Not taking her eyes off her notebook, Aunt Lavitora held up a hand and carried on counting. Mo meowed and pulled on her frills.

‘Not yet, floofy!’ snapped Aunt Lavitora.

Monroe the crow squawked twice. ‘SQUAAAAWK! SQUAAAAWK!’

‘Oh, really?’ replied Lavitora. Then she looked at her sister and smiled. ‘I’d love to stay, but I must dash!’ Count Drake let out a sigh of relief. ‘Gerrard, Butler, Mo . . . be good little caticorns, won’t you?’ said Aunt Lavitora.

The caticorns nodded in unison.

‘Well, Amelia is going to help look after Gerrard, Butler and Mo,’ said Countess Frivoleeta proudly. ‘And she’ll show them what a FANGTASTIC big sister she’s going to be for this little one!’ She patted her tummy pointedly.

‘Oh, of course!’ gushed Aunt Lavitora. ‘How could I forget that you have a new little vampire on the way? I did wonder why you were looking more tired than usual.’

Countess Frivoleeta’s left eyeball twitched, but she smiled stiffly. ‘Well, you probably won’t have time to stay for a scream tea when you come to collect the caticorns at moonset, will you?’

Aunt Lavitora laughed. ‘Ha! Probably not, darkling sister of mine. I’m a very busy woman after all!’ She then whispered, not very quietly, ‘Plus, I do find your Drakey terribly drab . . .’