Zara Stoneley - No One Cancels Christmas

Oh God, I can’t spend Christmas all alone, I haven’t even got a cat for company!

I know, I’ll take Callum up on his offer. He texted this morning asking if I wanted to spend the day at his parents’ house with him, and I’d been horrified. I’d nearly rushed round there and then to say no, to explain I had to be with Aunt Lynn. That’s we always spend the day together. But something had stopped me. I blink some more. I don’t want to be with Callum. If I say yes now, it will be for all the wrong reasons. I’ll be using him.

‘I came back for you, Sarah, and I left Ralph behind. But now it’s time to go and see him. One last time.’ She squeezes my hand again and her voice is gentle as she studies my face with eyes that used to be piercing blue but are now softened with age, and the sadness of life. ‘I am so sorry, love. I know what Christmas together means to you, it’s important to me as well. But you can come with me if you like? Ralph won’t mind at all. I just didn’t think you’d want to share Christmas in a strange place with a man you don’t know who’s dying, and I know it won’t be the same as Christmas here, but . . .’

‘It’s all right. Honest.’ I’d rather have Christmas anywhere if it meant being with her, than being at home without her, but I can see that this is something that really can’t be shared. Ralph needs her. And I’ve got a feeling she needs him.

‘He’s only got a few weeks left; he might not be here to see the new year in, so it’s all been a bit rushed, you see. It was the earliest flight I could get – the silly idiot had put off telling me until now.’ There’s real anguish, mixed with tears in her strangled voice. ‘I just hope I’m not too late.’

I’ve never thought of her as old, or sad before, but now the mist of my own selfishness is breaking up and I realise she’s more than just my Auntie Lynn. She’s a woman with a past of her own.

Aunt Lynn has never said much about her other life. Her pre-me life. Before my parents disappeared. But as I grew up, and studied the photographs, the discarded rucksack shoved to the back of her wardrobe, and the small mementoes of different places and people that adorned every shelf, nook and cranny in her house, I pieced together her real life as best as I could. And I saw a carefree, happy, hippy lifestyle that she’d willingly abandoned, and that she made sure I never felt guilty about.

How can I not be happy for her if she has a chance now to go back to that life? I am all grown up, and she can be free again. I swallow down my desire to shout ‘don’t leave me’, ashamed that I’m struggling. ‘Tell me about Ralph.’

So she does. And all the time she speaks about him she has a wistful smile on her face, her voice soft and sing-song, her mind miles away from the life she and I have been sharing.

‘You shouldn’t have left him.’

‘I had you, love, and besides, the time was right. Are those a bit tart? I was worried the orange rind would go chewy, but I only had the thick-cut marmalade. Would you like a bit of flapjack? It’s a bit crunchy – I didn’t know whether to smash it up and call it granola.’

I can’t think about granola now. I’m thinking about Aunt Lynn being sad and putting a brave face on things. And spending Christmas on my own.

Lynn smiles, a bit uncertainly.

‘Actually, I’ve got plans myself.’ What am I saying? ‘I’m going away.’ I’m what? How could I say that?

‘You are?’

‘I am.’ I nod. Confidently. And feel slightly sick, but now I’ve started this, I can’t stop, can I? ‘I’m going to Canada!’ That’s it! That will show her! I’m all grown up now, I can do Christmas on my own. Spending Christmas with Callum would definitely be wrong. In my heart I’ve known for a long time that things aren’t quite perfect between us, that we’ve been running out of time. Oh no, I’m not going to spend Christmas with him. I’m going to see this as an opportunity and fix Will Armstrong once and for all.

‘Canada?’ She’s got a puzzled frown on her face, which isn’t surprising. Inside I’m a bit confused too.

‘I’m going to sort out the mess at the Shooting Star Mountain Resort. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, I’ve already made a provisional booking; all I need to do is confirm.’

‘The Shooting Star resort? The one where . . .’

I nod, less confidently now, feeling even more queasy.

‘Well, that is a surprise. Good for you, darling. Going back and—’

‘I’m only going back because of all the crap reviews, and the fact the jerk that’s running it seems to be determined to totally wreck the place and get us sued in the process.’

‘Sued?’

I think I might have got carried away and said things I shouldn’t. I’m not sure flapping my arms in the air in what I thought was a nonchalant gesture is removing the frown from her face, but it’s worth a try. ‘Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, just empty threats.’ She doesn’t look convinced. ‘But that’s why I’m going.’

‘ The Shooting Star resort?’

I nod.

‘And you’ll be all right on your own?’ She’s looking even more worried now, and I don’t think it’s anything to do with being sued.

‘Definitely. I’m a big girl, now.’ But feel like a tiny, abandoned toddler inside. Man up, Sarah, you can do this.

‘I’d come with you, but I need to do this for Ralph – and for me, if I’m honest. He needs me, Sarah.’ That is Aunt Lynn all over: she is there if people need her, like she’s always been there for me. ‘Why not wait until the new year and we can go together?’

‘Honestly, I’ll be fine.’ And why spend Christmas on my own, when I can be with Mr ruin-it-all Armstrong? ‘It needs sorting now.’ I think I might be trying to reassure myself here, convince myself I’ve made the right decision.

What am I thinking? It’s not only Mr Scrooge himself that I’ll be tackling. I’ll be back there . The place where it all went wrong, when I found out just how little I meant to the two people who’d meant everything to me. My world.

Aunt Lynn is right. I won’t be all right on my own. I want her there, holding my hand. I don’t want to pull warm mittens on all alone, to look at the spot where we built the biggest snowman ever without her at my side.

I don’t want to curl up on a rug, looking at the flickering flames, and see my parents wave goodbye in my mind.

I can’t go back alone to the place that broke my heart. In fact, I swore I’d never go back. I’d closed that door forever.

I can feel the hurt bubbling up in my throat. Threatening to break out in a babble of words, saying I can’t do it, that it won’t work, that I’ll never ever be able to go back there again.

But it doesn’t.

I can’t expect Aunt Lynn to be there, watching my back, forever. This is my battle now, not hers.

And anyway, this isn’t about the past, about me. I’m going because of the business, and I’m going because I need to prove to Lynn and myself that I’m all grown up now.

I blink hard, shut out the image of a husky dog licking my fingers, tickling my face with its fur until I giggle, until Mum laughs and swings me up in the air.

‘I want to go.’ Swallowing hard clears my throat and digging my nails into the palms of my hands helps the lie. ‘If I don’t go now, it’ll be too late.’

‘Okay.’ It’s long and drawn out. ‘Well, if that’s the case, I’m going to shut the agency over the holiday period, so that you don’t have to worry and can have some fun.’ She stands up abruptly, as though she’s made a sudden decision, and walks over to the dresser. ‘And I’ve got a little surprise for you too. Consider it an early Christmas present!’