Liz Mistry - Broken Silence

The kids too were happier. So what if on occasion she resented not having her own space, resented not being able to lie on her bed and work through things in peace. Overall, things were better … and Marcus was alive. A movement out of the corner of her eye made her glance up. A man in a parka with the hood up was sidling down the street. When he stopped at Anika’s gate and cast a glance at Nikki’s house, Nikki cursed. Bloody Anika is seeing Yousaf again. Will my sister ever learn that Haqib’s dad is bad for her?

She inhaled through her nose and exhaled through her mouth, using the technique shown her by the psychiatrist she had to see in order to be cleared for work. Despite her initial misgivings the therapy had proved beneficial. Hands resting at ten and two o’clock on the steering wheel, eyes closed, Nikki repeated the action, consciously releasing the tension from her shoulders and across her back. When the passenger door opened and someone slid into the seat, she continued breathing, but this time with a slight smile on her lips. ‘Caught me again, Marcus.’

‘Couldn’t stand to be away from you a moment longer.’ Marcus’s tone was light and teasing. ‘You eaten?’

Nikki thought about that, then opened her eyes. ‘Not since I had to miss half of that stupendous Sunday dinner you cooked.’

‘Just as well I saved you a plate then, isn’t it?’

He settled in and the two of them savoured the companionable silence. She was so lucky. So damn lucky to have him. She reached over and squeezed his arm. They weren’t like normal couples, not like Saj and Langley for example who kept no secrets from each other. She and Marcus had more than a normal quota of secrets and an unspoken agreement that it wasn’t necessary to talk about them. She frowned. Well that was what she thought. They’d never actually talked about it. She’d just assumed Marcus got it. As she looked through the windscreen, it began to niggle her that perhaps he did want to share. Marcus was completely different from her – more gregarious, much more open. Maybe he didn’t confide in her because she closed it down.

Nikki, focusing on the empty street ahead, said, ‘You know I don’t talk much. You know, dwell on stuff and do all the, well … the baring my soul and all that.’

Nikki swallowed hard as Marcus turned to face her. Thank God for the shadows. Last thing she needed was to get this off her chest with him looking at her.

Marcus prompted her. ‘And?’

‘Well, like. I just want you to know that you can . If you want, that is. You can tell me anything. I’ll listen.’

Amusement running through his voice, Nikki could imagine Marcus’s smile, as he replied. ‘This about last year, Nik? Cause if it is, we’re all good. You know that.’ And he threaded his fingers through hers.

It wasn’t just about last year though; it was about everything. Her childhood, his childhood. Her dad, his parents. She bit her lip, realizing she knew nothing about Marcus’s folks. She cleared her throat. ‘Erm, you know …’ She hesitated, unused to this sort of conversation, but determined to spit her recent thoughts out. ‘We don’t talk about other stuff either.’ She waved her hand in the air as if that explained the sort of stuff she was referring to.

‘Eh?’ In the light cast by the streetlights, Marcus’s frown was visible. ‘What other stuff?’

Moving her body till she was leaning against the door, so she could see him better, Nikki tried again. ‘Like stuff we’ve done … you know before. Like the boxes I keep in the bedroom about my dad.’ She risked a glance at him and tried to keep all inflection from her tone as she added, ‘Or your family.’

Marcus’s pursed his lips and Nikki not sure what that implied wafted her hand in the air. ‘Well, I just want you to know, we can talk about it. If you like, that is … just saying we can … you know … share stuff if you like.’

The frown cleared off Marcus’s brow and a small smile played across his lips. The sort that told Nikki he was still amused by her attempts to delve deep into her inner psyche and she had an urge to prod his arm. It had taken her a lot to work up to this and here he was amused at her, but before she had the chance he spoke.

‘I know enough about your dad, Nik. I get why you keep an eye on where he is at all times. That’s how you make sure you’re protecting your family. Me? I’m a foster kid. No desire to rehash all of that.’ He smiled. ‘You know, Nik, sharing stuff from the past may well be overrated don’t you think? If it feels right, we can talk about it, but it doesn’t need to be like some therapy session. Let’s just be us. We’re good being us.’

Nikki could have kissed him. Why had it taken her so long to realize that Marcus got her … warts and all.

‘Come on. It’s freezing here. Let’s get you fed and watered.’

Nikki got out of the car, yawned, and after glancing towards her sister’s house, looked across the car roof at Marcus. ‘You noticed him too? Yousaf?’

Marcus’s shrugged his lips tight. ‘He’d have been less noticeable if he’d driven a quad bike down the street. Tosser, what did he look like in that bloody parka?’

Nikki grinned. Sometimes it was good to be part of a team. ‘You thought I’d storm over there and cause a scene?’

‘Well, I thought the temptation to tie his balls round his neck and strangle him might prove too much for you to resist, that’s all.’ Marcus walked round the car and slipped his arm through hers. ‘We could still do it if you like? How would the lying piece of shit explain that to his wife?’

Nikki laughed, the sound feeling good as it left her chest. Today had been crap, but here she was able to laugh and that was good. She was getting there. ‘Haqib’s dating Glass’s sister.’

Marcus stopped and turned to look at her. ‘So that’s where the little shit’s been sneaking off to these past few nights. He’s going to end up mince, Nik.’

It felt good to share so she filled him in on what had happened. She hadn’t quite sorted out her feelings about the Felicity, Fliss, Springer abduction, so she glossed over that with a ‘Can you believe that woman’s called Fliss? Fliss? I’m not lying, you know?’

Marcus threw his head back and laughed, the sound warm and rich, and Nikki’s heart thrummed.

Not sure what had made her broach the subject, Nikki squeezed his hand. Maybe it was Springer’s abduction, maybe it was Haqib’s love life, maybe it was the unknown threat that hovered over Bradford’s streets or maybe it was seeing that her sister was still in a relationship with an idiot who didn’t deserve her. Whatever it was, she just needed to let Marcus know that she was there for him. That although she only gave him snippets of her past, he could tell her anything. They’d been together off and on for twelve years now, but over the past year their relationship had settled into something permanent. Nikki wasn’t good at permanent, but she didn’t want to fuck this up. She didn’t want to lose Marcus, because she couldn’t share … she needed him to know she was there for him. That she was all in.

‘Nah, not just about that. Just stuff. I … you know … like … I care about you.’

Marcus. Leaned over and kissed her cold cheek. ‘I love you too, Nikki Parekh.’

How lucky was she to have a man who understood her so completely? She turned until their lips met and kissed him back. Funny she no longer felt hungry. ‘I’ll trade your Sunday roast for breakfast in bed tomorrow if we can go straight upstairs now.’

Marcus didn’t need asking twice.