Array The griffin classics - The Complete Works of Jane Austen

Characters

Popgun, Maria, Charles, Pistolletta, Postilion, Hostess, Chorus of ploughboys, Cook, Strephon, and Chloe

Scene, An Inn

ENTER Hostess, Charles, Maria, and Cook.

Hostess(to Maria)If the gentry in the Lion should want beds, shew them number 9. MariaYes Mistress.

EXIT Maria

Hostess(to Cook)If their Honours in the Moon ask for the bill of fare, give it them. CookI wull, I wull.

EXIT Cook.

Hostess(to Charles)If their Ladyships in the Sun ring their Bell—answerit. CharlesYes Madam.

EXEUNT Severally.

Scene changes to the Moon, and discovers Popgun and Pistoletta.

PistolettaPray papa how far is it to London? PopgunMy Girl, my Darling, my favourite of all my Children, who art the picture of thy poor Mother who died two months ago, with whom I am going to Town to marry to Strephon, and to whom I mean to bequeath my whole Estate, it wants seven Miles.

Scene changes to the Sun

ENTER Chloe and a chorus of ploughboys.

ChloeWhere am I? At Hounslow.—Where go I? To London—. What to do? To be married—. Unto whom? Unto Strephon. Who is he? A Youth. Then I will sing a song.

SONG [1]

I go to Town

And when I come down,

I shall be married to Streephon.

And that to me will be fun.

Chorus: Be fun, be fun, be fun, And that to me will be fun.

ENTER Cook.

CookHere is the bill of fare. Chloe(reads)2 Ducks, a leg of beef, a stinking partridge, and a tart.—I will have the leg of beef and the partridge.

EXIT Cook.

And now I will sing another song.

SONG

I am going to have my dinner,

After which I shan't be thinner,

I wish I had here Strephon

For he would carve the partridge if it should be a tough one.

Chorus: Tough one, tough one, tough one For he would carve the partridge if it should be a tough one.

EXIT Chloe and Chorus.

Scene changes to the inside of the Lion

ENTER Strephon and Postilion.

StrephYou drove me from Staines to this place, from whence I mean to go to Town to marry Chloe. How much is your due? PostEighteen pence. StrephAlas, my freind, I have but a bad guinea with which I mean to support myself in Town. But I will pawn to you an undirected Letter that I received from Chloe. PostSir, I accept your offer.

End of the First Act.

Many have been the cares and vicissitudes of my past life, my beloved Ellinor, and the only consolation I feel for their bitterness is that on a close examination of my conduct, I am convinced that I have strictly deserved them. I murdered my father at a very early period of my Life, I have since murdered my Mother, and I am now going to murder my Sister. I have changed my religion so often that at present I have not an idea of any left. I have been a perjured witness in every public tryal for these last twelve years; and I have forged my own Will. In short there is scarcely a crime that I have not committed—But I am now going to reform. Colonel Martin of the Horse guards has paid his Addresses to me, and we are to be married in a few days. As there is something singular in our Courtship, I will give you an account of it. Colonel Martin is the second son of the late Sir John Martin who died immensely rich, but bequeathing only one hundred thousand pound apeice to his three younger Children, left the bulk of his fortune, about eight Million to the present Sir Thomas. Upon his small pittance the Colonel lived tolerably contented for nearly four months when he took it into his head to determine on getting the whole of his eldest Brother's Estate. A new will was forged and the Colonel produced it in Court—but nobody would swear to it's being the right will except himself, and he had sworn so much that Nobody beleived him. At that moment I happened to be passing by the door of the Court, and was beckoned in by the Judge who told the Colonel that I was a Lady ready to witness anything for the cause of Justice, and advised him to apply to me. In short the Affair was soon adjusted. The Colonel and I swore to its' being the right will, and Sir Thomas has been obliged to resign all his illgotten wealth. The Colonel in gratitude waited on me the next day with an offer of his hand. I am now going to murder my Sister.

Yours Ever,

Anna Parker

My Dear Clara,

I have been so long on the ramble that I have not till now had it in my power to thank you for your Letter. We left our dear home on last Monday month; and proceeded on our tour through Wales, which is a principality contiguous to England and gives the title to the Prince of Wales. We travelled on horseback by preference. My Mother rode upon our little poney and Fanny and I walked by her side or rather ran, for my Mother is so fond of riding fast that she galloped all the way. You may be sure that we were in a fine perspiration when we came to our place of resting. Fanny has taken a great many Drawings of the Country, which are very beautiful, tho' perhaps not such exact resemblances as might be wished, from their being taken as she ran along. It would astonish you to see all the Shoes we wore out in our Tour. We determined to take a good Stock with us and therefore each took a pair of our own besides those we set off in. However we were obliged to have them both capped and heelpeiced at Carmarthen, and at last when they were quite gone, Mama was so kind as to lend us a pair of blue Sattin Slippers, of which we each took one and hopped home from Hereford delightfully.

I am your ever affectionate,

Elizabeth Johnson.

A Gentleman whose family name I shall conceal, bought a small Cottage in Pembrokeshire about two years ago. This daring Action was suggested to him by his elder Brother who promised to furnish two rooms and a Closet for him, provided he would take a small house near the borders of an extensive Forest, and about three Miles from the Sea. Wilhelminus gladly accepted the offer and continued for some time searching after such a retreat when he was one morning agreably releived from his suspence by reading this advertisement in a Newspaper.

To be lett: A Neat Cottage on the borders of an extensive forest and about three Miles from the Sea. It is ready furnished except two rooms and a Closet.

The delighted Wilhelminus posted away immediately to his brother, and shewed him the advertisement. Robertus congratulated him and sent him in his Carriage to take possession of the Cottage. After travelling for three days and six nights without stopping, they arrived at the Forest and following a track which led by it's side down a steep Hill over which ten Rivulets meandered, they reached the Cottage in half an hour. Wilhelminus alighted, and after knocking for some time without receiving any answer or hearing any one stir within, he opened the door which was fastened only by a wooden latch and entered a small room, which he immediately perceived to be one of the two that were unfurnished. From thence he proceeded into a Closet equally bare. A pair of stairs that went out of it led him into a room above, no less destitute, and these apartments he found composed the whole of the House. He was by no means displeased with this discovery, as he had the comfort of reflecting that he should not be obliged to lay out anything on furniture himself. He returned immediately to his Brother, who took him the next day to every Shop in Town, and bought what ever was requisite to furnish the two rooms and the Closet.