Jane Austen - The Complete Works of Jane Austen

Enter a Servant.

ServantDinner is on table.

They all rise.

Miss F.Lady Hampton, Miss Hampton, Miss Willoughby.

STANLY hands CLOE; LORD FITZGERALD, SOPHY; WILLOUGHBY, MISS FITZGERALD; and SIR ARTHUR, LADY HAMPTON

Exeunt.

Scene the 2d.

The Dining Parlour

MISS FITZGERALD at top. LORD FITZGERALD at bottom. Company ranged on each side. Servants waiting.

CloeI shall trouble Mr. Stanly for a Little of the fried Cow heel & Onion. StanlyOh Madam, there is a secret pleasure in helping so amiable a Lady. Lady H.I assure you, my Lord, Sir Arthur never touches wine; but Sophy will toss off a bumper I am sure, to oblige your Lordship. Lord F.Elder wine or Mead, Miss Hampton? SophyIf it is equal to you, Sir, I should prefer some warm ale with a toast and nutmeg. Lord F.Two glasses of warmed ale with a toast and nutmeg. Miss F.I am afraid, Mr. Willoughby, you take no care of yourself. I fear you don't meet with any thing to your liking. WilloughbyOh! Madam, I can want for nothing while there are red herrings on table. Lord F.Sir Arthur, taste that Tripe. I think you will not find it amiss. Lady H.Sir Arthur never eats Tripe; tis too savoury for him, you know, my Lord. Miss F.Take away the Liver & Crow, & bring in the suet pudding.

a short Pause.

Miss F.Sir Arthur, shan't I send you a bit of pudding? Lady H.Sir Arthur never eats suet pudding, Ma'am. It is too high a Dish for him. Miss F.Will no one allow me the honour of helping them? Then John, take away the Pudding, & bring the Wine.

SERVANTS take away the things and bring in the Bottles & Glasses.

Lord F.I wish we had any Desert to offer you. But my Grandmother in her Lifetime, destroyed the Hothouse in order to build a receptacle for the Turkies with its materials; & we have never been able to raise another tolerable one. Lady H.I beg you will make no apologies, my Lord. WilloughbyCome Girls, let us circulate the Bottle. SophyA very good notion, Cousin; & I will second it with all my Heart. Stanly, you don't drink. StanlyMadam, I am drinking draughts of Love from Cloe's eyes. SophyThat's poor nourishment truly. Come, drink to her better acquaintance.

MISS FITZGERALD goes to a Closet & brings out a bottle

Miss F.This, Ladies & Gentlemen, is some of my dear Grandmother's own manufacture. She excelled in Gooseberry Wine. Pray taste it, Lady Hampton Lady H.How refreshing it is! Miss F.I should think, with your Ladyship's permission, that Sir Arthur might taste a little of it. Lady H.Not for Worlds. Sir Arthur never drinks any thing so high. Lord F.And now my amiable Sophia, condescend to marry me.

He takes her hand & leads her to the front

StanlyOh! Cloe, could I but hope you would make me blessed— CloeI will.

They advance.

Miss F.Since you, Willoughby, are the only one left, I cannot refuse your earnest solicitations—There is my Hand. Lady H.And may you all be Happy!

Finis

The Mystery

An Unfinished Comedy

To the Revd George Austen

Sir,

I humbly solicit your Patronage to the following Comedy, which tho' an unfinished one is, I flatter myself, as complete a Mystery as any of its kind.

I am Sir your most Humble Servant.

The Author

Men:

Colonel Elliott

Sir Edward Spangle

Old Humbug

Yong Humbug, and

Corydon

Women:

Fanny Elliott

Mrs. Humbug, and

Daphne

Scene the First

A Garden.

Enter CORYDON.

CoryBut Hush! I am interrupted.

Exit CORYDON.

Enter OLD HUMBUG and his SON, talking.

Old HumIt is for that reason I wish you to follow my advice. Are you convinced of it's propriety? Young HumI am, Sir, and will certainly manner what you have pointed out to me. Old HumThen let us return to the House.

Exeunt.

Scene the Second

A Parlour in Humbug's House.

MRS. HUMBUG and FANNY, discovered at work.

Mrs. HumYou understand me, my Love? FannyPerfectly ma'am. Pray continue your narration. Mrs. HumAlas! It is nearly concluded, for I have nothing more to say on the Subject.

Enter DAPHNE.

DaphneMy dear Mrs. Humbug, how d'ye do? Oh! Fanny, t'is all over. FannyIt is indeed! Mrs. HumI'm very sorry to hear it. FannyThen t'was to no purpose that I… DaphneNone upon Earth. Mrs. HumAnd what is to become of… DaphneOh! That's all settled.

Whispers to MRS. HUMBUG

FannyAnd how is it determined? DaphneI'll tell you.

Whispers to FANNY.

Mrs. HumAnd is he to… DaphneI'll tell you all I know of the matter.

Whispers MRS. HUMBUG and FANNY.

FannyWell! Now I know everything about it, I'll go away. Mrs. Hum and DaphneAnd so will I.

Exeunt.

Scene the Third

The Curtain rises and discovers Sir Edward Spangle reclined in an elegant Attitude on a Sofa, fast asleep.

Enter COLONEL ELLIOTT.

ColonelMy Daughter is not here I see… . There lies Sir Edward… . Shall I tell him the secret?… No, he'll certainly blab it… . But he is asleep and won't hear me… . So I'll e'en venture.

Goes up to SIR EDWARD, whispers to him, and exits.

The Three Sisters

To Edward Austen Esquire

The following unfinished Novel is respectfully inscribed by his obedient humble servant.

The Author

Miss Stanhope to Mrs. ——

My Dear Fanny,

I am the happiest creature in the World, for I have received an offer of marriage from Mr. Watts. It is the first I have ever had, and I hardly know how to value it enough. How I will triumph over the Duttons! I do not intend to accept it, at least I beleive not, but as I am not quite certain, I gave him an equivocal answer and left him. And now my dear Fanny, I want your Advice whether I should accept his offer or not; but that you may be able to judge of his merits and the situation of affairs, I will give you an account of them. He is quite an old Man, about two and thirty, very plain, so plain that I cannot bear to look at him. He is extremely disagreable and I hate him more than any body else in the world. He has a large fortune and will make great Settlements on me; but then his is very healthy. In short, I do not know what to do. If I refuse him, he as good as told me that he should offer himself to Sophia, and if she refused him, to Georgiana, and I could not bear to have either of them married before me. If I accept him I know I shall be miserable all the rest of my Life, for he is very ill tempered and peevish, extremely jealous, and so stingy that there is no living in the house with him. He told me he should mention the affair to Mama, but I insisted upon it that he did not, for very likely she would make me marry him whether I would or no; however probably he has before now, for he never does anything he is desired to do. I believe I shall have him. It will be such a triumph to be married before Sophy, Georgiana, and the Duttons; And he promised to have a new Carriage on the occasion, but we almost quarrelled about the colour, for I insisted upon its being blue spotted with silver, and he declared it should be a plain Chocolate; and to provoke me more, said it should be just as low as his old one. I won't have him, I declare. He said he should come again tomorrow and take my final answer, so I beleive I must get him while I can. I know the Duttons will envy me and I shall be able to chaperone Sophy and Georgiana to all the Winter Balls. But then, what will be the use of that when very likely he won't let me go myself, for I know he hates dancing, and what he hates himself he has no idea of any other person's liking; and besides he talks a great deal of Women's always staying at home and such stuff. I beleive I shan't have him; I would refuse him at once if I were certain that neither of my Sisters would accept him, and that if they did not, he would not offer to the Duttons. I cannot run such a risk, so, if he will promise to have the Carriage ordered as I like, I will have him; if not he may ride in it by himself for me. I hope you like my determination; I can think of nothing better; And am your ever Affectionate