A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

lady hunstanton

What are you saying, Lord Illingworth, about the drum?

lord illingworth

I was merely talking to Mrs. Allonby about the leading articles in the London newspapers.

lady hunstanton

But do you believe all that is written in the newspapers?

lord illingworth

I do. Now-a-days it is only the unreadable that occurs. [ Rises with Mrs. Allonby .]

lady hunstanton

Are you going, Mrs. Allonby?

·22· mrs. allonby

Just as far as the conservatory. Lord Illingworth told me this morning that there was an orchid there as beautiful as the seven deadly sins.

lady hunstanton

My dear, I hope there is nothing of the kind. I will certainly speak to the gardener.

[ Exit Mrs. Allonby and Lord Illingworth .]

lady caroline

Remarkable type, Mrs. Allonby.

lady hunstanton

She lets her clever tongue run away with her sometimes.

lady caroline

Is that the only thing, Jane, Mrs. Allonby allows to run away with her?

lady hunstanton

I hope so, Caroline, I am sure.

[ Enter Lord Alfred .]

Dear Lord Alfred, do join us. [ Lord Alfred sits down beside Lady Stutfield .]

lady caroline

You believe good of every one, Jane. It is a great fault.

·23· lady stutfield

Do you really, really think, Lady Caroline, that one should believe evil of every one?

lady caroline

I think it is much safer to do so, Lady Stutfield. Until, of course, people are found out to be good. But that requires a great deal of investigation, now-a-days.

lady stutfield

But there is so much unkind scandal in modern life.

lady caroline

Lord Illingworth remarked to me last night at dinner that the basis of every scandal is an absolutely immoral certainty.

kelvil

Lord Illingworth is, of course, a very brilliant man, but he seems to me to be lacking in that fine faith in the nobility and purity of life which is so important in this century.

lady stutfield

Yes, quite, quite important, is it not?

kelvil

He gives me the impression of a man who does ·24· not appreciate the beauty of our English home-life. I would say that he was tainted with foreign ideas on the subject.

lady stutfield

There is nothing, nothing like the beauty of home-life, is there?

kelvil

It is the mainstay of our moral system in England, Lady Stutfield. Without it we would become like our neighbours.

lady stutfield

That would be so, so sad, would it not?

kelvil

I am afraid, too, that Lord Illingworth regards woman simply as a toy. Now, I have never regarded woman as a toy. Woman is the intellectual helpmeet of man in public as in private life. Without her we should forget the true ideals. [ Sits down beside Lady Stutfield .]

lady stutfield

I am so very, very glad to hear you say that.

lady caroline

You a married man, Mr. Kettle?

·25· sir john

Kelvil, dear, Kelvil.

kelvil

I am married, Lady Caroline.

lady caroline

Family?

kelvil

Yes.

lady caroline

How many?

kelvil

Eight.

[ Lady Stutfield turns her attention to Lord Alfred .]

lady caroline

Mrs. Kettle and the children are, I suppose, at the seaside? [ Sir John shrugs his shoulders .]

kelvil

My wife is at the seaside with the children, Lady Caroline.

lady caroline

You will join them later on, no doubt?

·26· kelvil

If my public engagements permit me.

lady caroline

Your public life must be a great source of gratification to Mrs. Kettle.

sir john

Kelvil, my love, Kelvil.

lady stutfield

[ To Lord Alfred .] How very, very charming those gold-tipped cigarettes of yours are, Lord Alfred.

lord alfred

They are awfully expensive. I can only afford them when I’m in debt.

lady stutfield

It must be terribly, terribly distressing to be in debt.

lord alfred

One must have some occupation now-a-days. If I hadn’t my debts I shouldn’t have anything to think about. All the chaps I know are in debt.

lady stutfield

But don’t the people to whom you owe the ·27· money give you a great, great deal of annoyance?

[ Enter Footman .]

lord alfred

Oh no, they write; I don’t.

lady stutfield

How very, very strange.

lady hunstanton

Ah, here is a letter, Caroline, from dear Mrs. Arbuthnot. She won’t dine. I am so sorry. But she will come in the evening. I am very pleased indeed. She is one of the sweetest of women. Writes a beautiful hand, too, so large, so firm. [ Hands letter to Lady Caroline .]

lady caroline

[ Looking at it .] A little lacking in femininity, Jane. Femininity is the quality I admire most in women.

lady hunstanton

[ Taking back letter and leaving it on table .] Oh! she is very feminine, Caroline, and so good too. You should hear what the Archdeacon says of her. He regards her as his right hand in the parish. [ Footman speaks to her .] In the Yellow Drawing-room. Shall we all go in? Lady Stutfield, shall we go in to tea?

·28· lady stutfield

With pleasure, Lady Hunstanton. [ They rise and proceed to go off. Sir John offers to carry Lady Stutfield’s cloak .]

lady caroline

John! If you would allow your nephew to look after Lady Stutfield’s cloak, you might help me with my workbasket.

[ Enter Lord Illingworth and Mrs. Allonby .]

sir john

Certainly, my love. [ Exeunt .]

mrs. allonby

Curious thing, plain women are always jealous of their husbands, beautiful women never are!

lord illingworth

Beautiful women never have time. They are always so occupied in being jealous of other people’s husbands.

mrs. allonby

I should have thought Lady Caroline would have grown tired of conjugal anxiety by this time! Sir John is her fourth!

lord illingworth

So much marriage is certainly not becoming. ·29· Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.

mrs. allonby

Twenty years of romance! Is there such a thing?

lord illingworth

Not in our day. Women have become too brilliant. Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.

mrs. allonby

Or the want of it in the man.

lord illingworth

You are quite right. In a Temple every one should be serious, except the thing that is worshipped.

mrs. allonby

And that should be man?

lord illingworth

Women kneel so gracefully; men don’t.

mrs. allonby

You are thinking of Lady Stutfield!

·30· lord illingworth

I assure you I have not thought of Lady Stutfield for the last quarter of an hour.

mrs. allonby

Is she such a mystery?

lord illingworth

She is more than a mystery—she is a mood.

mrs. allonby

Moods don’t last.

lord illingworth

It is their chief charm.

[ Enter Hester and Gerald .]

gerald

Lord Illingworth, every one has been congratulating me, Lady Hunstanton and Lady Caroline, and … every one. I hope I shall make a good secretary.

lord illingworth

You will be the pattern secretary, Gerald. [ Talks to him .]

mrs. allonby

You enjoy country life, Miss Worsley?

·31· hester

Very much indeed.

mrs. allonby

Don’t find yourself longing for a London dinner-party?

hester

I dislike London dinner-parties.

mrs. allonby

I adore them. The clever people never listen, and the stupid people never talk.

hester

I think the stupid people talk a great deal.