A to Z Classics - Complete Works Of Oscar Wilde (Best Navigation) (A to Z Classics)

[ Lady Windermere bursts into tears and buries her face in her hands .]

[ Rushing to her .] Lady Windermere!

·83· lady windermere

[ Holding out her hands to her, helplessly, as a child might do .] Take me home. Take me home.

mrs. erlynne

[ Is about to embrace her. Then restrains herself. There is a look of wonderful joy in her face .] Come! Where is your cloak? [ Getting it from sofa .] Here. Put it on. Come at once!

[ They go to the door .]

lady windermere

Stop! Don’t you hear voices?

mrs. erlynne

No, no! There is no one!

lady windermere

Yes, there is! Listen! Oh! that is my husband’s voice! He is coming in! Save me! Oh, it’s some plot! You have sent for him.

[ Voices outside .]

mrs. erlynne

Silence! I’m here to save you, if I can. But I fear it is too late! There! [ Points to the curtain across the window .] The first chance you have, slip out, if you ever get a chance!

lady windermere

But you?

·84· mrs. erlynne

Oh! never mind me. I’ll face them.

[ Lady Windermere hides herself behind the curtain .]

lord augustus

[ Outside .] Nonsense, dear Windermere, you must not leave me!

mrs. erlynne

Lord Augustus! Then it is I who am lost! [ Hesitates for a moment, then looks round and sees door R., and exit through it .]

[ Enter Lord Darlington, Mr. Dumby, Lord Windermere, Lord Augustus Lorton, and Mr. Cecil Graham .

dumby

What a nuisance their turning us out of the club at this hour! It’s only two o’clock. [ Sinks into a chair .] The lively part of the evening is only just beginning. [ Yawns and closes his eyes .]

lord windermere

It is very good of you, Lord Darlington, allowing Augustus to force our company on you, but I’m afraid I can’t stay long.

lord darlington

Really! I am so sorry! You’ll take a cigar, won’t you?

·85· lord windermere

Thanks! [ Sits down .]

lord augustus

[ To Lord Windermere .] My dear boy, you must not dream of going. I have a great deal to talk to you about, of demmed importance, too. [ Sits down with him at L. table .]

cecil graham

Oh! We all know what that is! Tuppy can’t talk about anything but Mrs. Erlynne!

lord windermere

Well, that is no business of yours, is it, Cecil?

cecil graham

None! That is why it interests me. My own business always bores me to death. I prefer other people’s.

lord darlington

Have something to drink, you fellows. Cecil, you’ll have a whisky and soda?

cecil graham

Thanks. [ Goes to table with Lord Darlington .] Mrs. Erlynne looked very handsome to-night, didn’t she?

·86· lord darlington

I am not one of her admirers.

cecil graham

I usen’t to be, but I am now. Why! she actually made me introduce her to poor dear Aunt Caroline. I believe she is going to lunch there.

lord darlington

[ In surprise .] No?

cecil graham

She is, really.

lord darlington

Excuse me, you fellows. I’m going away to-morrow. And I have to write a few letters. [ Goes to writing table and sits down .]

dumby

Clever woman, Mrs. Erlynne.

cecil graham

Hallo, Dumby! I thought you were asleep.

dumby

I am, I usually am!

lord augustus

A very clever woman. Knows perfectly well ·87· what a demmed fool I am—knows it as well as I do myself.

[ Cecil Graham comes towards him laughing .]

Ah! you may laugh, my boy, but it is a great thing to come across a woman who thoroughly understands one.

dumby

It is an awfully dangerous thing. They always end by marrying one.

cecil graham

But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see her again. Yes! you told me so yesterday evening at the club. You said you’d heard——

[ Whispering to him .]

lord augustus

Oh, she’s explained that.

cecil graham

And the Wiesbaden affair?

lord augustus

She’s explained that too.

dumby

And her income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?

·88· lord augustus

[ In a very serious voice .] She’s going to explain that to-morrow.

[ Cecil Graham goes back to C. table .

dumby

Awfully commercial, women now-a-days. Our grandmothers threw their caps over the mills, of course, but, by Jove, their granddaughters only throw their caps over mills that can raise the wind for them.

lord augustus

You want to make her out a wicked woman. She is not!

cecil graham

Oh! Wicked women bother one. Good women bore one. That is the only difference between them.

lord augustus

[ Puffing a cigar .] Mrs. Erlynne has a future before her.

dumby

Mrs. Erlynne has a past before her.

lord augustus

I prefer women with a past. They’re always so demmed amusing to talk to.

·89· cecil graham

Well, you’ll have lots of topics of conversation with her , Tuppy. [ Rising and going to him .]

lord augustus

You’re getting annoying, dear boy; you’re getting demmed annoying.

cecil graham

[ Puts his hands on his shoulders .] Now, Tuppy, you’ve lost your figure and you’ve lost your character. Don’t lose your temper; you have only got one.

lord augustus

My dear boy, if I wasn’t the most good-natured man in London——

cecil graham

We’d treat you with more respect, wouldn’t we, Tuppy? [ Strolls away .]

dumby

The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair. [ Lord Augustus looks round angrily .]

cecil graham

Mrs. Erlynne has a very great respect for dear Tuppy.

·90· dumby

Then Mrs. Erlynne sets an admirable example to the rest of her sex. It is perfectly brutal the way most women now-a-days behave to men who are not their husbands.

lord windermere

Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs. Erlynne alone. You don’t really know anything about her, and you’re always talking scandal against her.

cecil graham

[ Coming towards him L.C .] My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal. I only talk gossip.

lord windermere

What is the difference between scandal and gossip?

cecil graham

Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip. But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Now, I never moralise. A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralises is invariably plain. There is nothing in the whole world so unbecoming to a woman as a Nonconformist conscience. And most women know it, I’m glad to say.

·91· lord augustus

Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.

cecil graham

Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

lord augustus

My dear boy, when I was your age——

cecil graham

But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be. [ Goes up C .] I say, Darlington, let us have some cards. You’ll play, Arthur, won’t you.

lord windermere

No, thanks, Cecil.

dumby

[ With a sigh .] Good heavens! how marriage ruins a man! It’s as demoralising as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

cecil graham

You’ll play, of course, Tuppy?

lord augustus

[ Pouring himself out a brandy and soda at table .] ·92· Can’t, dear boy. Promised Mrs. Erlynne never to play or drink again.

cecil graham

Now, my dear Tuppy, don’t be led astray into the paths of virtue. Reformed, you would be perfectly tedious. That is the worst of women. They always want one to be good. And if we are good, when they meet us, they don’t love us at all. They like to find us quite irretrievably bad, and to leave us quite unattractively good.