Samantha Lee Howe - The Stranger in Our Bed

I was standing on a precipice, swaying slightly. I closed my eyes, blocking out the sight of the hole in the ground at my feet. Nothing moved. I didn’t want to look down at the picture of death below, even though I was responsible for it, but the shape of the body crumpled in the void was still visible behind my eyes. I shook my head, trying to dispel the unwelcome thought along with the guilt I carried.

When did this all start? How had my life taken this terrible turn?

The shovel weighed heavy in my hand, a presence in its own right, further evidence of my guilt. Like the horror of my situation, the shovel’s weight was too much to bear; I dropped it down beside the makeshift grave.

Like a guilty child whose hand is caught in the cookie jar, I wiped my soiled palm on the leg of my sodden jeans.

There was nowhere to run, and no escape from the truth.

I jumped as I heard a distant, persistent wail. Sirens approached. The screeching grew louder.

I opened my eyes and lights came on in the big house behind me. The back door stood open. My only witness was framed in the glare of the kitchen light, blurred by the slicing rainstorm.

I turned to look beyond the house, facing the rain. It blinded me, as did the flashing blue light that pierced through the trees lining the long driveway.

The sirens dropped off, but lights still flickered above two police cars. In the house, I thought I heard Melody crying. And then, my legs began to work.

Unaware of the black shape slowly getting to its feet in the pit behind me, I started to walk towards the first police car.

I woke early. My husband, Tom, was still sleeping. It was 5.30 a.m. and I usually slept through until Tom’s alarm went off at 7.30. I listened to the sounds of our home. There was nothing unusual, yet something had woken me. My mind was fully alert, like a light switch had been turned on. I lay on my side, watching Tom’s handsome face. He looked so young when he slept. It was hard to imagine him as the CEO of the conglomerate that was Carlisle Corp.

We’d met at university, ten years earlier. We’d both been studying law at Oxford. Tom was focusing on corporate law, already preparing for the day when he would take over the family business. I’d been studying corporate law too and I had ambitions for the future, but unlike Tom I’d had to work in a bar to help fund my education, and relied heavily on my student loans and any bursaries I could apply for.

I turned over and trying not to disturb Tom I got out of bed. But as I took my first step an overwhelming bout of nausea came over me. No longer trying to be quiet I ran into the bathroom, and vomited into the toilet bowl. When the sickness subsided, I brushed my teeth and looked at the yellow pallor of my skin in the mirror. I felt terrible. Perhaps I had come down with some bug?

‘Char?’ said Tom from the bedroom. ‘Are you all right?’

I couldn’t believe my luck when he asked me out for the first time. For a while I didn’t trust we could have a relationship, we were too different. But when we finished our education, Tom asked me to marry him, and the future I’d planned for myself changed.

Soon after our wedding, Tom’s father, Conrad Carlisle, succumbed to the cancer that had been eating away at him for years. Tom hadn’t expected me to work after that.

‘I need your support, Char,’ he’d said. ‘I’m going to be working long hours at first. If you take a job too, then we’ll never see each other. Besides, you don’t need to work. I’ll give you everything you need.’

It was an odd notion after all of my motivations and hard work, but the whirlwind of our life soon took away any thought of finding my own place in a law firm. I became a housewife instead.

‘Char?’ Tom called again.

A crushing sense of gratitude warmed my stomach. Had the upset from the previous night affected me so much that it had made me sick? Tom sounded like his usual caring self. I was relieved to hear that love and warmth back in his voice. The argument had been so ridiculous. So … unnecessary.

‘I’m fine. Maybe got a bug,’ I said.

‘Bug my arse,’ Tom said, coming into the bathroom.

‘What?’ I was immediately on the defensive.

‘When was your period?’ he smiled.

‘ Period? No … just because I was sick doesn’t mean …’

‘Reckon we did the job on our anniversary trip …’ he said. ‘I’d hoped at least! But looks like we did.’

‘Well it’s probably too early to know. That was only …’ It was then I realized that more than a month had passed, and my period was late. By about two weeks.

‘I’ll ring Mother. She’ll be so happy!’ Tom said.

‘Darling, can’t we wait a bit? Just to be sure,’ I said.

‘Don’t be silly! We don’t have to keep this a secret from Mother.’

***

Isadora Carlisle arrived an hour later with a small pharmacy package, which she passed to me.

‘Tom called on his way to work. Let’s see if he’s right, shall we?’ Isadora said. ‘You need to hold it under the flow of your pee.’

As usual she was treating me as though I didn’t have the intelligence to read instructions for myself.

I went into the bathroom, closing the door behind me, then unpacked the pregnancy test and read the instructions.

‘I’m sure it’s way too early to tell,’ I said.

‘No. These days they can tell even if you’re just a few days along,’ Isadora said from the hallway. ‘So useful!’

She was right, of course; the test said it could work up to six days before your period was even due.

After peeing on the wand, I stared at the indicator. The test said one blue line meant ‘no’, two blue lines was ‘yes’.

‘Let me in,’ said Isadora.

I opened the bathroom door and held out the test. ‘It says …’

‘Pregnant!’ Isadora grew very quiet and thoughtful. She didn’t throw her arms around me, or start to congratulate me, she merely smiled. A kind of satisfied expression. As though she was just getting the answer she had expected all along.

‘That’s very good then,’ she said.

I half-smiled, but then my mood plummeted. Was I really ready for motherhood? The thought was terrifying.

‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Isadora said. ‘You see, Charlotte dear, you remind me a lot of myself at your age.’

I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared back at her with the blankest expression I could muster. There was nothing similar about us at all. She was happy about the prospect of a future grandchild and I was a mixture of unexplainable emotions. Perhaps this self-doubt, the fear, the slight tingle of excitement was perfectly normal, I didn’t know, but they were also accompanied by a consuming loss of control. And something else at the back of my mind, a name I had told myself to forget: Ewan Daniels.

‘This will settle things permanently for you both,’ Isadora said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s just … it’s a final commitment. Having a baby …’

‘Isadora, we are committed. We’re married.’

‘Oh, yes. I know. But you know what I mean … you’ll be a family now. Not just a couple. This is grown-up. This is, well, it’s the future CEO of Carlisle Corp you have in there. Isn’t it?’

And then she peered at me intently as though she expected me to say otherwise. I was confused by this silent enquiry.

‘I hadn’t thought of it that way …’

‘Well, I’ll get on to finding you the best doctor and private midwife service. And of course the best hospital.’

‘That’s usually decided by your local GP,’ I said.

‘Not for people like us, dear. We have to have the best.’