Linsy B - When Your Mom Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Because of the mother’s attitude, the adult children of Borderline Personality Disordered mothers become broken children living with a bomb that could be detonated at any time, they become insecure, feel guilty, anxious, and frustrated, living a life that is filled with a constant fear of not ending up like her. Part of their routine involves being at her side to try to console her and reassure her they are always there for her, even when they are the ones who really need more of such emotional support at that young age. As the child grows and leaves home, various events will continuously remind the child of their history with their mother, the criticism and the venom that leaks out from the mouth of their mother, the number of times they had to watch their mother as they moved from one impulsive behavior to the other yet transferring the blame on everyone but herself for the chaos she felt in her life. The child lives a life where he is not sure how long he is going to have a mother because of a constant threat of her being a danger to herself and others, leading to confusion in the heart of the child if he really wants that kind of mother.

Despite all of these, adult kids of mothers with BPD constantly feel pity and love for their mothers. They bend over their back to love and care for her, and at some moments it would seem that such love is being reciprocated, only to have the rug pulled out from your feet, and then it evaporates in a fit of rage or disappointing inappropriate remark. Yet, when she senses that you are fatigued and beginning to withdraw from her, she accuses you of not caring and questions your loyalty to her, despite all she has to go through in life because of you. And then the cycle continues.

As a BPD child trying to break free, you will have to learn to set boundaries and know how to resist when she applies her guilt game as she constantly pushes against those boundaries. You will also have to know that you cannot be held responsible for actions that are not within your control and have to make them take full responsibility for taking their medication, going for therapy, and managing their relationships.

None of this is going to be easy and will take a lot of conscious effort on the part of the adult child of the BPD parent. Some of it may involve not going home for the holidays, changing the locks in your home, sending them to caregivers, and bracing yourself up for the life ahead of you so that you do not become as your mother was to your kids.

BPD mothers are known to be generally abusive, controlling, domineering and manipulative parents. They shatter the life of a child with their sustained tantrums, rage, blames, and outrages. Children of such parents are characterized by fear and timidity.

Faced with this kind of toxic attitude, the child becomes increasingly cautious and careful in his or her dealings with the mother and begins to avoid having normal conversations with her. They tend to go further and further into their shell as a way of reducing their contact with the emotionally abusive mother.

The mother on the other hand who is supposed to know better often shows an incapacity of knowing that her kids suffer greatly from her parenting style, choosing instead to believe that their action is an act of love towards their kids and they become hurt and aggrieved that the child avoids her company and rarely seek her advice.

The child may out of obligation converse with the mom, formally and cordially, but never to the level that many parents would love to engage with their kids. BPD mother, unfortunately, is not emotionally tuned enough to understand the link between her action and the way the kids react to her. Some children eventually grow up to hate their mother or even wish her dead. Ironically, even the mothers may not find their reaction and anger understandable despite the pattern of abuse and neglect melted on the innocent child, the mother may believe that their actions are in the child’s best interest, borne out of love and care.

For the more considerate children who eventually have to deal with the knowledge that the reason for all their troubles have been because they were living with a woman who had BPD, they are sometimes faced with the difficulty of accepting that their mother is hopelessly incapable of insights to understand her child’s needs.

Getting past, such a level of hurt can be really tough, even with therapy, but it is worth the effort. The healing process can take the victim through a process of accepting that the situation really happened, how best to deal with it, and also how to forgive their mother even though the scar of the trauma will make it difficult for them to forget. Some adult children of BPD parents constantly struggle with the illusion that they had a beautiful life filled with love even though what they had to go through was very far from that.

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