Margit Sandemo - The Ice People 09 - Without Roots

“Yes,” she said, dropping him a curtsy.

He was touched. It made him feel shy. But also scared! Anette appeared to be quite a burden for a young man of seventeen. She seemed finicky, mercurial and accustomed to being waited upon.

“Now would you please... do me the honour of telling me about your life?” she asked. It would have sounded so charming if she had not finished the sentence with an embarrassed giggle.

Mikael didn’t allow his reaction to show. “Yes, of course!”

Then he began to speak about his life, about his chaotic childhood first with Marca Christiana’s parents at Löwenstein, and the war, which had been a painful part of their everyday lives. Of how he and Marca Christiana had been sent from one place to the next until they finally settled down in the home of Reich Admiral Oxenstierna. Marca Christiana’s marriage with the Admiral’s son, Gabriel...

“She’s been very loyal towards you,” asserted Anette.

“Marca Christiana’s a remarkable woman,” agreed Mikael. “I would have been lost without her.”

“I’m beginning to understand how you feel rootless,” said Anette pensively. “Oh, it’s so wonderful,” she added impulsively, “to be able to talk properly with someone. To be allowed to voice one’s opinion. Until now, the topics I’ve spoken about have been nothing but nonsense, I must agree with you there. Empty, superficial nonsense. Imagine that I’m able to talk about something so... deep.”

Actually, thought Mikael, they hadn’t exactly been delving deep into their souls. But they were getting closer to one another and that was the main thing. But he still didn’t have a clear sense that this woman was his wife. Thinking about it made him dizzy. He who had always imagined a deep feeling of belonging, of tenderness with his future wife, whoever she would be.

All of a sudden he felt that he had been tied up with invisible ribbons that he would never ever be able to free himself from. He had an unpleasant feeling that this was how she also felt. They were too different. They would never be able to reach one another.

The thought that he was to hold her in his arms tonight was unbearable. She was a nice girl, but she would always be a stranger!

Of course, they could stay up all night talking, and then he was to travel and be away indefinitely. Although she might feel relieved at not having to lie with him, later on she would feel ashamed. Her husband rejecting her on their wedding night was too horrible. It was something you just didn’t do! He took a deep breath and pulled himself together.

“I suppose it’s best that we go to bed.”

She blushed immediately. “Yes, of course.”

She seemed on the verge of bursting into tears, so he put his hands on her cheeks. Then tried to smile encouragingly, but it was a terribly nervous smile.

“I’ll leave the room while you undress,” he said. “Then maybe you can put out the light when you’re finished?”

She nodded eagerly.

‘Try not to look as if you’re being led to the scaffold,’ he thought and left.

Anette stood quietly for a moment, her hands tightly clutched together in order to steady her nerves. So all his talking was just a masquerade, she thought. Now his true nature would be revealed. The bloodthirsty monster that would throw himself upon her and... what? Actually, Anette didn’t really know. Her mother’s horror stories of what men were capable of had merely hinted at something awful, without any explanation. The giggles of the ladies-in-waiting had been mixed with horrible delight. Anette was prepared for anything, from having her body rubbed with manure to being stuck with a knife.

And then there was the fact that you could have children. She would like to have children. Oh, God. If only somebody would explain the facts to her! Why were men so attractive? What was a prostitute?

She kneeled before the Virgin Mary and said a silent prayer about courage and strength to help her endure the night. Then he would be going to war. Thank God for that!

When Mikael entered the room again, it was so dark that he had to fumble his way to the bed. ’She’s snuffed out the light in front of the Virgin Mary,’ he thought. That must have meant an inner, religious struggle, but he understood her. Her virtue prohibited her from having spectators, both on earth and in heaven.

She lay on the far side of the bed and he quickly undressed except for his night shirt and crept down to her. ‘God help us both,’ he prayed to himself.

Mikael was a good person. Gently and considerately, he gave her time, cautiously caressing her hair, waiting until her breathing no longer sounded like a frightened bird.

Anette silently prayed and prayed: ‘Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum ... Oh, God. What is he doing? What does he want? Benedicta tu in mulieribus, Mum, Mum! Why have you never told me about about this? It’s not at all like... et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus. Oh, no.‘

She forgot her prayers for a while.

Mikael did his duty on their wedding night, but it was not a brilliant experience, certainly not for Anette. She was terribly frightened, shocked and... surprised? Yes, baffled and surprised. She did not offer resistance but even so the sealing of their marriage was not all that successful. Anette hardly dared touch him. Her hands were around his shoulders without touching them, and she pressed her lips together against the pain. Despondent, sad and miserably unsure of everything, not least Mikael.

‘Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribu, nunc et in bora mortis nostrae. Amen. Holy Mother. The Mother of God. Pray for us poor sinners now and in the hour of death! Amen.’

Afterwards, Mikael could hear her sobbing into her pillow. He stretched out his hand, trying awkwardly to comfort her, gently stroking her hair. But neither could say anything. They had no more words to say to one another. They were lonely, each trapped in their own despair, miles apart.

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