Silja Ang-Tschachtli - Bilingual Couples in Conversation

Other ideologies which often differ are those surrounding gendergender and love. What is considered appropriate behaviour for men and women depends to a large extent on the culture in question. Because the partners “may expect gender patterns from the other that do not fit the other’s dispositions, beliefs, and ways of acting”, some believe that “[g]ender is one of the most challenging areas for intercultural couples to negotiate” (Rosenblatt 2009: 9). Pavlenko studied the role of gender in multilingualism by analysing cross-cultural autobiographies and oral narratives about second languagelanguage acquisitionsecond learning. According to Pavlenko, language learning is a gendered performanceperforminggender, and bilinguals tend to develop strategies of assimilation or resistance to the gender roles of their L2 (2005: 141). The accounts she analysed indicate that bilinguals may perceive their new environment as gender-free, because they escaped undergoing the gender socialisationsocialisationgender processes of childhood in their second language. Yet gender socialisation at a later age can also pose difficulties, particularly in the context of interpersonal relationships, and “[i]ntimate relationships and friendships surface time and again as one of the most difficult areas for negotiation and an authentic performance of gender” (2005: 151).

Linked to gender ideologies are also ideas of romantic love, which may diverge in different cultures. Hence, certain aspects such as courtship rituals, the expression of love, but also expectations with regard to what love is or how it is expressed, will be strongly influenced by each culture. This was demonstrated by Ting-Toomey, who questioned 781 participants from Japan, France and the USA on aspects such as their views on commitment, self-disclosure and conflict behaviour in intimate relationships. The results of her study indicate that “specific cultural norms and rules influence the perception and the articulation of intimate expressions” in these three countries (1991: 41). Similarly, Billig argues that, while “[t]here are conventional signs of ‘love’, […] these signs may differ from culture to culture; and what counts as love may change within one culture over the course of time” (1999: 189). At the same time, however, it seems that European-based cultures also tend to share certain common denominators, most prominently, a “love ideologyideologyof love that includes a heritage of courtly romantic love” (Sprecher et al. 1994: 350). This ideology includes a number of notions such as “love at first sight, there is only one true love, true love lasts forever, idealization of the partner and the relationship, and love can overcome all obstacles” (Sprecher et al. 1994: 352–353). These studies suggest that partners from similar cultures, such as the couples in this study, are likely to have a similar concept of romantic love, but they may nevertheless diverge in their manner of expressing love.

The new living situation that comes with having a partner from a different country is another challenge bicultural couples have to face. In the case of the couples in this study, one of the partners elected to leave his or her home country and move to a new cultural, linguistic and social environmentenvironmentdifferent. These partners may be disadvantaged socially, as they are likely to have fewer friends — at least initially — or less established relationships. In addition, they do not generally have their relatives close to hand and cannot depend on them for support. Foreign partners are often at a disadvantage linguistically, as they are not able to use their mother tongue or may be forced to use their second language in encounters with locals, where lacking language competence may be an issue or drawback. Not being a native speaker of the community languagecommunity language may also lead to a professional disadvantage, or reduce the individual’s choice of jobs, which is often already limited due to their foreign qualifications. In addition, immigrants may also be at a disadvantage culturally, and be obliged to accustom themselves to many elements of their partner’s culture. Rosenblatt explains the cultural struggle of expatriates as follows:

The cultural territory a couple is in can make an enormous difference in the resources available to the partners. Living where one partner’s language, preferred foods, religion, modes of dressing, holidays, types of recreation, etc., are dominant provides enormous resources to one partner and makes him the more competent person in getting around in all sorts of ways. (2009: 12)

Having to deal with these things on a daily basis may lead to psychological problems such as homesickness, insecurity, anxiety, marginalisation, or feelings of incompetence (Rosenblatt 2009: 12). This was also found by Breger (1998), who documented the experiences of 18 mixed couples as well as members of a cross-cultural women’s group and a foreign student club in Germany. Many of the subjects in her study reacted to such difficulties by

withdraw[ing] from what they perceived to be a hostile society, avoiding contact with all groups. This can lead to isolation and depression, and the self-reinforcing feeling of not coping […]. Many people, especially the foreign wives , experienced such depression, which formed a central recurrent topic at the women’s group. (Breger 1998: 149, emphasis in original)

Such feelings of isolation may have been reinforced by the fact that the childrenchildren of these couples were rarely balanced bilinguals, but were inclined towards the community language. As Rosenblatt remarks, children’s language practices often “come to fit the country in which they are living, which further marginalizesmarginalization and undermines the parent who is a cultural and linguistic outsider” (2009: 12). Consequently, the partner in whose home territory they are living is at an advantage in many regards and is likely to be in a stronger position within the relationship.

Living in only one partner’s home environment may create difficulties not only for the partner who emigrated, but also for the local partner, and for them as a couple. In some cases, the local partner has to take on tasks that his or her partner cannot perform, such as doing the taxes or dealing with authorities, banks, builders, or teachers, or has to lend assistance when there is a problem involving communication or a lack of cultural knowledge. Thus, a considerable amount of work can fall to the native speaker. In addition, he or she might have to lend his or her partner extensive emotional support if the latter does not have a large social network. Furthermore, the bicultural couple may struggle to fit into the local community, as can be seen in Breger’s study. Many of the mixed couples she examined had difficulty in being accepted into both local and expatriate communities, and therefore joined or formed societies for mixed couples (1998: 147). The expatriate situation can thus be challenging for both partners as well as their relationship, particularly if the couple is also bilingual, and if the foreign partner is not fluent in the community language.

Even though there are a number of challenges that bicultural couples may face, research also suggests that couples can develop various means of dealing with their situation, and that biculturalismbiculturalism can ultimately have a positive effect on a relationship. Bustamante et al. conducted extensive ethnographic interviews with five intercultural couples in order to determine potential culture-related stressors, as well as coping mechanisms the couples had developed. In these interviews, the following six main coping mechanisms emerged: “(a) gender role flexibility, (b) humor about differences, (c) cultural deference or a tendency to defer to the culture-related preferences of a partner, (d) recognition of similarities, (e) cultural reframing cultural reframing11 […] and (f) a general appreciation for other cultures” (2011: 159, emphases in original). Similarly, the intimate cross-cultural couples in Ting-Toomey’s research listed a number of advantages of living in an intercultural relationship, such as personal growth, greater diversity in their lifestyles, having a more profound relationship, developing complex cultural frames of reference and value systems, as well as “raising open-minded, resourceful children” (2009: 45). Hence, many couples feel that their intercultural challenges promote their growth as individuals and as a couple.