Philip Dick - The Science Fiction Anthology

It’s so permanent .

Oh, I’d have divorced Marge in a minute if we’d been living in the Blissful ‘Fifties—but with the Family Solidarity Amendment of 1968, and all the divorce taxes we have these days since the women got their teeth into politics, to say nothing of the Aggrieved Spouse Compensation Act, I’d have been a pauper for the rest of my life if I’d tried it. That’s aside from the social repercussions involved.

You can’t really blame me for looking for another way out. But a man has to be desperate to try to buy himself an Ego Prime.

So, all right, I was desperate. I’d spent eight years trying to keep Marge happy, which was exactly seven and a half years too long.

Marge was a dream to look at, with her tawny hair and her sulky eyes and a shape that could set your teeth chattering—but that was where the dream stopped.

She had a tongue like a #10 wood rasp and a list of grievances long enough to paper the bedroom wall. When she wasn’t complaining, she was crying, and when she wasn’t crying, she was pointing out in chilling detail exactly where George Faircloth fell short as a model husband, which happened to be everywhere. Half of the time she had a “beastly headache” (for which I was personally responsible) and the other half she was sore about something, so ninety-nine per cent of the time we got along like a couple of tomcats in a packing case.

Maybe we just weren’t meant for each other. I don’t know. I used to envy guys like Harry Folsom at the office. His wife is no joy to live with either, but at least he could take a spin down to Rio once in a while with one of the stenographers and get away with it.

I knew better than to try. Marge was already so jealous that I couldn’t even smile at the company receptionist without a twinge of guilt. Give Marge something real to howl about, and I’d be ready for the Rehab Center in a week.

But I’d underestimated Marge. She didn’t need anything real, as I found out when Jeree came along.

Business was booming and the secretaries at the office got shuffled around from time to time. Since I had an executive-type job, I got an executive-type secretary. Her name was Jeree and she was gorgeous. As a matter of fact, she was better than gorgeous. She was the sort of secretary every businessman ought to have in his office. Not to do any work—just to sit there.

Jeree was tall and dark, and she could convey more without saying anything than I ever dreamed was possible. The first day she was there, she conveyed to me very clearly that if I cared to supply the opportunity, she’d be glad to supply the motive.

That night, I could tell that Marge had been thinking something over during the day. She let me get the first bite of dinner halfway to my mouth, and then she said, “I hear you got a new secretary today.”

I muttered something into my coffee cup and pretended not to hear.

Marge turned on her Accusing Look #7. “I also hear that she’s five-foot-eight and tapes out at 38-25-36 and thinks you’re handsome.”

Marge had quite a spy system.

“She couldn’t be much of a secretary,” she added.

“She’s a perfectly good secretary,” I blurted, and kicked myself mentally. I should have known Marge’s traps by then.

Marge exploded. I didn’t get any supper, and she was still going strong at midnight. I tried to argue, but when Marge got going, there was no stopping her. I had my ultimatum, as far as Jeree was concerned.

Harry Folsom administered the coup de grace at coffee next morning. “What you need is an Ego Prime,” he said with a grin. “Solve all your problems. I hear they work like a charm.”

I set my coffee cup down. Bells were ringing in my ears. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s against the law. Anyway, I wouldn’t think of such a thing. It’s—it’s indecent.”

Harry shrugged. “Just joking, old man, just joking. Still, it’s fun to think about, eh? Freedom from wife. Absolutely safe and harmless. Not even too expensive, if you’ve got the right contacts. And I’ve got a friend who knows a guy—”

Just then, Jeree walked past us and flashed me a big smile. I gripped my cup for dear life and still spilled coffee on my tie.

As I said, a guy gets fed up.

And maybe opportunity would only knock once.

And an Ego Prime would solve all my problems, as Harry had told me.

It was completely illegal, of course. The wonder was that Ego Prime, Inc., ever got to put their product on the market at all, once the nation’s housewives got wind of just what their product was.

From the first, there was rigid Federal control and laws regulating the use of Primes right down to the local level. You could get a license for a Utility model Prime if you were a big business executive, or a high public official, or a movie star, or something like that; but even then his circuits had to be inspected every two months, and he had to have a thousand built-in Paralyzers, and you had to specify in advance exactly what you wanted your Prime to be able to do when, where, how, why, and under what circumstances.

The law didn’t leave a man much leeway.

But everybody knew that if you really wanted a personal Prime with all his circuits open and no questions asked, you could get one. Black market prices were steep and you ran your own risk, but it could be done.

Harry Folsom told his friend who knew a guy, and a few greenbacks got lost somewhere, and I found myself looking at a greasy little man with a black mustache and a bald spot, up in a dingy fourth-story warehouse off lower Broadway.

“Ah, yes,” the little man said. “Mr. Faircloth. We’ve been expecting you.”

I didn’t like the looks of the guy any more than the looks of the place. “I’ve been told you can supply me with a—”

He coughed. “Yes, yes. I understand. It might be possible.” He fingered his mustache and regarded me from pouchy eyes. “Busy executives often come to us to avoid the—ah—unpleasantness of formal arrangements. Naturally, we only act as agents, you might say. We never see the merchandise ourselves—” He wiped his hands on his trousers. “Now were you interested in the ordinary Utility model, Mr. Faircloth?”

I assumed he was just being polite. You didn’t come to the back door for Utility models.

“Or perhaps you’d require one of our Deluxe models. Very careful workmanship. Only a few key Paralyzers in operation and practically complete circuit duplication. Very useful for—ah—close contact work, you know. Social engagements, conferences—”

I was shaking my head. “I want a Super Deluxe model,” I told him.

He grinned and winked. “Ah, indeed! You want perfect duplication. Yes, indeed. Domestic situations can be—awkward, shall we say. Very awkward—”

I gave him a cold stare. I couldn’t see where my domestic problems were any affairs of his. He got the idea and hurried me back to a storeroom.

“We keep a few blanks here for the basic measurement. You’ll go to our laboratory on 14th Street to have the minute impressions taken. But I can assure you you’ll be delighted, simply delighted.”

The blanks weren’t very impressive—clay and putty and steel, faceless, brainless. He went over me like a tailor, checking measurements of all sorts. He was thorough—embarrassingly thorough, in fact—but finally he was finished. I went on to the laboratory.

And that was all there was to it.

Practical androids had been a pipe dream until Hunyadi invented the Neuro-pantograph. Hunyadi had no idea in the world what to do with it once he’d invented it, but a couple of enterprising engineers bought him body and soul, sub-contracted the problems of anatomy, design, artistry, audio and visio circuitry, and so forth, and ended up with the modern Ego Primes we have today.