Tobias Smollett - The Adventures of Roderick Random

When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night imparted my day’s adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying, “I told you if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and who knows but this marriage may make us all. You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many sheep’s eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose; whereby he uttered a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak Latin—but I will say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity.” With these words, he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle`s end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.

I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson-am examined—a fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is detected—in hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the Round-house—carried before a Justice—his behaviour

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his friend’s absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where was you born?” To which I answered, “In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said he; “I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?” I named the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and all affront upon the English, to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education. This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had perused.

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the ‘animal risible’ in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what would you do?” I answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!” said he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of care as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers, which he heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile, “So you think with such treatment the patient might recover?” I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may be,” resumed he; “I won’t answer for your foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?” I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some precipitation, “Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,” says the fat gentleman, “there is very good authority—” Here he was interrupted by the other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own bottom.” “But sir, sir,” replied his antagonist, “the reason of the thing shows—” “A fig for reason,” cries this sufficient member; “I laugh at reason; give me ocular demonstratio.” The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This inuendo enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: “What, Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”