Lemony Snicket - The Reptile Room

"It's Poe," Mr. Poe said. "My name is Poe. I'm not hurt. Luckily, it looks like nobody was hurt. I wish the same could be said for my car. But who are you and what are you doing with the Baudelaire children?"

"I'll tell you who he is," Klaus said. "He's-"

"Please, Klaus," Mr. Poe admonished, a word which here means "reprimanded Klaus even though he was interrupting for a very good reason." "It is not polite to interrupt."

"My name is Stephano," Stephano said, shaking Mr. Poe's hand. "I am-I mean I was - Dr. Montgomery's assistant."

"What do you mean was?" Mr. Poe asked sternly. "Were you fired?"

"No. Dr. Montgomery-oh, excuse me-" Stephano turned away and pretended to dab at his eyes as if he were too sad to continue. Facing away from Mr. Poe, he gave the orphans a big wink before continuing. "I'm sorry to tell you there's been a horrible accident, Mr. Doe. Dr. Montgomery is dead."

"Poe," Mr. Poe said. "He's dead? That's terrible. What has happened?"

"I don't know," Stephano said. "It looks like snakebite to me, but I don't know anything about snakes. That's why I was going into town, to get a doctor. The children seemed too upset to be left alone."

"He's not taking us to get a doctor!" Klaus shouted. "He's taking us to Peru!"

"You see what I mean?" Stephano said to Mr. Poe, patting Klaus's head. "The children are obviously very distressed. Dr. Montgomery was going to take them to Peru today."

"Yes, I know," Mr. Poe said. "That's why I hurried over here this morning, to finally bring them their luggage. Klaus, I know you're confused and upset over this accident, but please try to understand that if Dr. Montgomery is really dead, the expedition is canceled."

"But Mr. Poe-" Klaus said indignantly.

"Please," Mr. Poe said. "This is a matter for adults to discuss, Klaus. Clearly, a doctor needs to be called."

"Well, why don't you drive on up to the house," Stephano said, "and I'll take the children and find a doctor."

"Jose!" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant something like "No way!"

"Why don't we all go to the house," Mr. Poe said, "and call for a doctor?"

Stephano blinked, and for a second his face grew angry again before he was able to calm himself and answer smoothly. "Of course," he said. "I should have called earlier. Obviously I'm not thinking as clearly as you. Here, children, get back in the jeep, and Mr. Poe will follow us."

"We're not getting back in that car with you," Klaus said firmly.

"P/ease, Klaus," Mr. Poe said. "Try to understand. There's been a serious accident. All other discussions will have to be put aside. The only trouble is, I'm not sure my car will start. It's very smashed up."

"Try the ignition," Stephano said. Mr. Poe nodded, and walked back to his car. He sat in the driver's seat and turned the key. The engine made a rough, wet noise-it sounded quite a bit like Mr. Poe's coughs-but it did not start.

"I'm afraid the engine is quite dead," Mr. Poe called out.

"And before long," Stephano muttered to the children, "you will be too."

"I'm sorry," Mr. Poe said. "I couldn't hear you."

Stephano smiled. "I said, that's too bad. Well, why don't I take the orphans back to the house, and you walk behind us? There isn't room for everyone."

Mr. Poe frowned. "But the children's suitcases are here. I don't want to leave them unattended. Why don't we put the luggage into your car, and the children and I will walk back to the house?"

Stephano frowned. "Well, one of the children should ride with me, so I won't get lost."

Mr. Poe smiled. "But you can see the house from here. You won't get lost."

"Stephano doesn't want us to be alone with you," Violet said, finally speaking up. She had been waiting for the proper moment to make her case. "He's afraid that we'll tell you who he really is, and what he's really up to."

"What's she talking about?" Mr. Poe asked Stephano.

"I have no idea, Mr. Toe," Stephano replied, shaking his head and looking at Violet fiercely.

Violet took a deep breath. "This man is not Stephano," she said, pointing at him. "He's Count Olaf, and he's here to take us away."

"Who am I?" Stephano asked. "What am I doing?"

Mr. Poe looked Stephano up and down, and then shook his head. "Forgive the children," he said. "They are very upset. Count Olaf is a terrible man who tried to steal their money, and the youngsters are very frightened of him."

"Do I look like this Count Olaf?" Stephano asked, his eyes shining.

"No, you don't," Mr. Poe said. "Count Olaf had one long eyebrow, and a clean-shaven face. You have a beard, and if you don't mind my saying so, no eyebrows at all."

"He shaved his eyebrow," Violet said, "and grew a beard. Anyone can see that."

"And he has the tattoo!" Klaus cried. "The eye tattoo, on his ankle! Look at the tattoo!"

Mr. Poe looked at Stephano, and shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry to ask you this," he said, "but the children seem so upset, and before we discuss anything further I'd like to set their minds at ease. Would you mind showing me your ankle?"

"I'd be happy to," Stephano said, giving the children a toothy smile. "Right or left?"

Klaus closed his eyes and thought for a second. "Left," he said.

Stephano placed his left foot on the bumper of Uncle Monty's jeep. Looking at the Baudelaire orphans with his shiny, shiny eyes, he began to raise the leg of his stained striped pants. Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Mr. Poe all kept their eyes on Stephano's ankle.

The pant leg went up, like a curtain rising to begin a play. But there was no tattoo of an eye to be seen. The Baudelaire orphans stared at a patch of smooth skin, as blank and pale as poor Uncle Monty's face.

While the jeep sputtered ahead of them, the Baudelaire orphans trudged back toward Uncle Monty's house, the scent of horseradish in their nostrils and a feeling of frustration in their hearts. It is very unnerving to be proven wrong, particularly when you are really right and the person who is really wrong is the one who is proving you wrong and proving himself, wrongly, right. Right? "I don't know how he got rid of his tattoo," Klaus said stubbornly to Mr. Poe, who was coughing into his handkerchief, "but that's definitely Count Olaf."

"Klaus," Mr. Poe said, when he had stopped coughing, "this is getting very tiresome, going over this again and again. We have just seen Stephano's unblemished ankle. 'Unblemished' means-"

"We know what 'unblemished' means," Klaus said, watching Stephano get out of Uncle Monty's jeep and walk quickly into the house. "'Without tattoos.' But it is Count Olaf. Why can't you see it?"

"All I can see," Mr. Poe said, "is what's in front of me. I see a man with no eyebrows, a beard, and no tattoo, and that's not Count Olaf. Anyway, even if by some chance this Stephano wishes you harm, you have nothing to fear. It is quite shocking that Dr. Montgomery has died, but we're not simply going to hand over you and your fortune to his assistant. Why, this man can't even remember my name!"

Klaus looked at his siblings and sighed. It would be easier, they realized, to argue with the snake-shaped hedge than with Mr. Poe when he had made up his mind. Violet was about to try reasoning with him one more time when a horn honked behind them. The Baudelaires and Mr. Poe got out of the way of the approaching automobile, a small gray car with a very skinny driver. The car stopped in front of the house and the skinny person got out, a tall man in a white coat.

"May we help you?" Mr. Poe called, as he and the children approached.

"I am Dr. Lucafont," the tall man said, pointing to himself with a big, solid hand. "I received a call that there's been a terrible accident involving a snake."