Lemony Snicket - The Carnivorous Carnival

"What's going on?" Hugo asked the children, walking out of the caravan with Colette and Kevin close behind.

"Déjà," Sunny said bitterly. Even the youngest Baudelaire recognized Count Olaf's cruel speech about the stubborn mule from when the three children had been living in Olaf's house. Back then, the villain had talked about a stubborn mule in order to force Violet to marry him, a plot that thankfully had been foiled at the last minute, but now he was using the very same words to cook up another scheme, and it gave the siblings a queasy feeling to watch it happen.

"These lions," Count Olaf said, "will do as I say, because they want to avoid the punishment of this whip!" With a flourish, he flicked his whip at the lions again, who cowered behind the bars, and some of the visitors to the carnival applauded.

"But if the whip is the stick," asked the bald man, "what is the carrot?"

"The carrot?" Olaf repeated, and laughed in a particularly nasty way. "The reward for the lions who obey me will be a delicious meal. Lions are carnivorous, which means they eat meat, and here at Caligari Carnival they'll have the finest meat we have to offer." He turned and pointed his whip at the entrance to the freaks' caravan, where the Baudelaires were standing with their coworkers. "The freaks you see here aren't normal people, and so they lead depressing lives," he announced. "They'll be happy to exhibit themselves in the name of entertainment."

"Of course we will," Colette said. "We do it every day."

"Then you won't mind being the most important part of the lion show," Olaf replied. "We're not going to feed these lions regular meals, so they'll be very, very hungry by the time the show begins. Each day, instead of a show at the House of Freaks, we'll randomly choose one freak and watch the lions devour them."

Everyone cheered again, except for Hugo, Colette, Kevin, and the three siblings, who all stood in horrified silence.

"That will be exciting!" said the man with pimples on his face. "Just think–violence and sloppy eating combined in one fabulous show!"

"I couldn't agree more!" said a woman who was standing nearby. "It was hilarious watching that two-headed freak eat, but it'll be even more hilarious watching the two-headed freak get eaten!

"I'd prefer to watch the hunchback get eaten," said someone else in the crowd. "He's so funny! He doesn't even have a regular back!"

"The fun starts tomorrow afternoon!" Count Olaf cried. "See you then!"

"I can't wait," said the woman, as the crowd began to disperse, a word which here means "walk off to purchase souvenirs or leave the carnival." "I'm going to tell all my friends."

"I'm going to call that reporter at The Daily Punctilio," the man with pimples said, heading toward the phone booth. "This carnival is about to get very popular, and maybe they'll write an article about it."

"You were right, boss," said the hook-handed man. "Things are about to get much better here."

"Of course he was right, please," Madame Lulu said. "He is brilliant man, and brave man, and generous man. He is brilliant for thinking of the lion show, please. He is brave man for hitting lions with whip, please. And he is generous man for giving lions to Lulu."

"He gave those lions to you?" asked a sinister voice. "They were presents?"

Now that most of the carnival visitors had departed, the Baudelaires could see Esmé Squalor step forward from the doorway of another caravan and walk toward Count Olaf and Madame Lulu. As she passed the lions' trailer, she ran her enormous fingernails along the bars, and the lions whimpered in fear. "So you gave Madame Lulu some lions," she said. "What did you get me?"

Count Olaf scratched his head with one scraggly hand, and looked a little embarrassed. "Nothing," he admitted. "But you can share my whip, if you'd like."

Madame Lulu leaned over and gave Olaf a kiss on the cheek. "He gave lions to me, please, because I did such wonderful fortune-telling."

"You should have seen it, Esmé," Olaf said.

"Lulu and I entered the fortune-telling tent and turned out all the lights, and the crystal ball began to hum its magical hum. Then, magical lightning crackled above us, and Madame Lulu told me to concentrate as hard as I could. While I closed my eyes, she gazed into her crystal ball and told me that one of the Baudelaire parents is alive and hiding in the Mortmain Mountains. As a reward, I gave her these lions."

"So Madame Lulu needs a carrot, too, eh?" the hook-handed man said with a laugh.

"First thing tomorrow morning," Olaf continued, "Madame Lulu will consult her crystal ball again, and tell me where the Baudelaires are."

Esmé glared at Lulu. "And what sort of gift will you give then, Olaf?"

"Be reasonable, my dear," Count Olaf said to his girlfriend. "The lions will make Caligari Carnival much more popular, so Madame Lulu can devote her time to fortune-telling and give us the information we need to finally steal the Baudelaire fortune."

"I hate to criticize," Hugo said hesitantly, "but is there any way we can make the carnival more popular without feeding us to the lions? I must confess that I'm a little nervous about that part."

"You heard the crowd when I told them about the new attraction," Count Olaf said. "They couldn't wait to see the lions devour you, and all of us need to do our part to give people what they want. Your part is to return to the freaks' caravan until tomorrow. And the rest of us will do our part and start digging the pit."

"Pit?" one of the white-faced women asked. "What do we need a pit for?"

"To keep the lions in," Olaf replied, "so they only eat whichever freak jumps down there. Let's dig it over by the roller coaster."

"Good idea, boss," the bald man said.

"There are shovels in tool caravan," Lulu said. "I will show you, please."

"I'm not going to dig a pit," Esmé announced as the others walked away. "I might break a nail. Besides, I need to talk to Count Olaf– alone."

"Oh, all right," Count Olaf said. "Let's go in the guest caravan where we won't be disturbed."

Olaf and Esmé walked off in one direction, and Madame Lulu led the henchmen in the other, leaving the three children alone with their coworkers.

"Well, we'd better go inside," Colette said. "Maybe we can think of a way not to get eaten."

"Oh, let's not think about those fearsome creatures," Hugo said with a shudder. "Let's play another game of dominoes instead."

"Chabo, my other head, and I will be along in a moment," Violet said. "We want to finish our hot chocolate."

"You might as well enjoy it," Kevin said glumly, following Hugo and Colette back into the freaks' caravan. "It might turn out to be the last hot chocolate you ever drink."

Kevin shut the door with both hands, and the Baudelaires stepped farther away from the caravan so they could talk without being overheard.

"Adding cinnamon to hot chocolate is a terrific idea, Sunny," Violet said, "but I'm having trouble enjoying it."

"Ificat," Sunny said, which meant "Me too."

"Count Olaf's latest scheme leaves a bad taste in my mouth," Klaus said, "and I don't think cinnamon will help."

"We have to get into that fortune-telling tent," Violet said, "and this may be our only chance."

"Do you think it's really true?" Klaus asked. "Do you think Madame Lulu really saw something in her crystal ball?"

"I don't know," Violet said, "but I do know from my studies of electricity that lightning can't appear inside a tent. Something mysterious is going on, and we need to find out what it is."

"Chow!" Sunny said, which meant "Before we're thrown to the lions!"

"But do you think it's real?" Klaus asked.

"I don't know," Violet said testily, a word which here means "in her regular voice, forgetting her disguise because she was becoming very frustrated and upset." "I don't know if Madame Lulu is a fortune-teller. I don't know how Count Olaf always knows where we are. I don't know where the Snicket file is, or why someone else had Olaf's tattoo, or what V.F.D. stands for, or why there's a secret passageway that leads to our house, or–"