Джон Стейнбек: Cup of Gold [Золотая чаша]

On the path there is the dark, Henry's mind went back to the first speech of Merlin. Should he see Elizabeth before he went sailing away? He did not like her; sometimes he thought he had discovered hatred for her, and this he nursed and warmed only to feel it grow to a desire to see her.

She was a thing of mystery. All girls and women hoarded something they never spoke of. His mother had terrific secrets about biscuits, and cried, sometimes, for no known reason. Another life went on inside of women-some women-ran parallel to their outward lives and yet never crossed them.

A year before; Elizabeth had been a pretty child who whispered to the other girls and giggled and pulled hair when he was about; and then suddenly she had changed. It was nothing Henry could see, exactly, but rather he felt that a deep, quiet understanding had been given her. It frightened him, this wisdom which had come all at once to Elizabeth.

Then there was her body-different somehow from his, and capable, it was whispered, of strange pleasures and alchemies. Even this flowering body she kept a secret thing. A time ago they had gone together to swim in the river, and she had been unconscious of it; but now she covered herself carefully from him and appeared stricken with the thought that he might see. Her new character frightened and embarrassed Henry.

Sometimes he dreamed of her, and waked in agony lest she should ever know his dream. And sometimes it was a strange, shadowy composite of Elizabeth and his mother that came to him in the night.

After such a dream, the day brought loathing of himself and her. He considered himself an unnatural monster and her a kind of succubus incarnate. And he could tell no one of these things. The people would shun him.

He thought perhaps he would like to see her before he left. There was a strange power in her this year, a drawing yet repelling power which swayed his desire like a windblown reed. Other boys might have gone to her in the night and kissed her, after they had boasted a little of their going; but then, the other boys did not dream as he did, nor did they think of her, as he sometimes did, as a loathsome being.

There was surely something monstrous about him, for he could not distinguish between desire and disgust.

And then, she could embarrass him so easily.

No, certainly, he would not go to her. Where had Merlin- where had any one-caught the idea that he cared a farthing for her, the daughter of a poor tenant? Not worth bothering about!

Footsteps were coming down the path behind him, loud clashes in the quiet night, and soon a quick, thin figure came up with him.

"Might it be William?" Henry asked politely, while the road-mender stopped in the path and shifted his pick from one shoulder to the other.

"It's William right enough. And what are you doing on the path, and the dark come?"

"I've been to see Merlin and to hear him talk."

"Peston him! That's all he ever does now. Once he made songs-good, sweet songs as I could repeat to you if I'd a mind to-but now he roosts up on that Crag-top like an old molted eagle. Once when I was going past I spoke to him about it, too, as I can prove by him. I'm not a man to be holding my tongue when I've been thinking.

"Why are you making no more songs?' I said to him in a tone like that. 'Why are you making no more songs?'

'I have grown to be a man,' he answered, 'and there be no songs in a man. Only children make songs-children and idiots.'Pest on him! It's an idiot himself, is the thought is on me. But what did he say to you, the old whitebeard?"

"Why, you see, I'm going to the Indies and-"

"The Indies, and are you? Ah, well-I was at London once. And all the people at London are thieves, dirty thieves. There was a man with a board and little flat sticks on it. 'Try your skill, friend?' he says.

'What stick has a black mark on the underside of it?'

'That one,' says I; and so it was. But the next time-Ah, well, he was a thief, too; all of them thieves.

"People there are at London, and they do nothing but drive about and about in carriages, up one street and down another, bowing to each other, while good men sweat out their lives in the fields and the mines to keep them bowing there. What chance have I or you, say, with all the fine, soft places taken up by robbers? And can you tell me the thieving price of an egg at London?"

"I must take this road now," said Henry. "I must go home."

"Indies." The road-mender sighed with longing. Then he spat in the trail. "Ah, well-I'll stake it's all thieves there, too."

The night was very black when Henry came at last to the poor hut where Elizabeth lived. There was a fire in the middle of the floor, he knew, and the smoke drifted up and tried to get out at a small hole in the thatch. The house had no flooring, but only rushes strewn on the packed ground, and when the family slept they wrapped themselves in sheepskins and lay in a circle with their feet to the fire.

The windows were not glazed nor curtained. Henry could see old black-browed Twym and his thin, nervous wife, moving about inside. He watched for Elizabeth to pass the window, and when at last she did, he whistled a shrill bird-call. The girl stopped and looked out, but Henry was quiet in the dark.

Then Elizabeth opened the door and stood framed against the inside light. The fire was behind her. Henry could see the black outline of her figure through her dress. He saw the fine curve of her legs and the swell of her hips. A wild shame filled him, for her and for himself. Without thought and without reason he ran away into the dark, gasping and almost sobbing under his breath.

Old Robert looked up hopefully when the boy came into the room, and then the hope died away and he turned quickly to the fire. But Mother Morgan jumped from her seat and went angrily to Henry.

"What is this foolishness? You going to the Indies!" she demanded.

"But, Mother, I must go; truly I must-and father understands.

Can't you hear how the Indies are calling to me?"

"That I cannot! It's wicked nonsense is in it. A little child you are, and not to be trusted from home at all.

Besides, your own father is going to tell you it may not be."

The strong jaw of the boy set like a rock and the muscles stood out in his cheeks. Suddenly there came a flash of anger into his eyes.

"Then, Mother, if you will not understand, I tell you that I am going the morrow-in spite of all of you."

Hurt pride chased incredulity from her face, and that, too, passed, leaving only pain. She shrank from the bewildering hurt. And Henry, when he saw what his words had done, went quickly to her.

"I'm sorry, Mother-so very sorry; but why can you not let me go as my father can? I don't want to hurt you, but I must go. Won't you see that?" He put his arm about her, but she would not look at him.

Her eyes stared blankly straight in front of her.

She was so sure that her view was right. Throughout her life she had insulted and browbeaten and scolded her family, and they had known her little tyranny to be the outcropping of her love for them.

But now that one of them, and he the child, had used the tone she spoke with every hour, it made a grim hurt that might never be quite healed again.

"You spoke with Merlin? What did he say to you? asked Robert from the hearth.

Henry's mind flashed quickly to Elizabeth. "He talked of things that are not in my belief," he said.

"Well-it was only a chance," murmured Robert. "You've hurt your mother badly, boy," he went on.

"I've never seen her so-so quiet." Then Robert straightened himself and his voice became firm.

"I have five pounds for you, son. It's little enough; I suppose I might give you a small matter more, but not enough to help much. And here is a letter recommending you to my brother, Sir Edward. He went out before the king was murdered, and for some reason-perhaps because he was quiet-old Cromwell has let him stay. If he is there when you come to Jamaica, you may present this letter; but it's a cold, strange man who takes great pride in his rich acquaintance, and might be a little annoyed with a poor relative. And so I do not know that good will come of this letter. He would dislike you unless you were able to see nothing funny in a man who looks like me, only strides about with a silver sword and plumes on his head. I laughed once, and he has not been a near brother to me since. But keep the letter, it may help you with other people if not with your uncle."