Эрин Хантер - Hollyleaf’s Story

He patted her shoulder with his paw, and Hollyleaf lay down again. She couldn’t deny that Fallen Leaves was right: Squirrelflight and Leafpool had loved her. But everything had been complicated by secrets and lies—and by the fact that Hollyleaf had killed Ashfur to keep him from telling everyone. But then I realized it would never stay secret, so I told all the Clans at the Gathering. Ashfur’s death had been for nothing, and Hollyleaf had had no choice but to leave.

Outside, the weather turned even colder. There were fewer fish in the underground river so Hollyleaf made forays into the woods, leaving the tunnels just long enough to catch a mouse or squirrel and once a rather scrawny pigeon. Fallen Leaves never went with her; he had been out a few times, he said, to gather herbs when Hollyleaf first entered the tunnels, but he didn’t feel like he belonged there. Hollyleaf’s heart always twisted with sadness when she saw her friend’s ginger-and-white face peeking from the shadows, watching anxiously as she hunted. Fallen Leaves seemed to view the tunnels as his home and his prison equally. Did he really believe it was too late to find his family?

Hollyleaf always kept an eye out for the fox cub or his mother, but she saw nothing larger than the pigeon among the snowy trees, and only once a trace of snow-filled tracks leading down to the pine copse. She swerved in the opposite direction, using the scent of yarrow to lead her swiftly back to the mouth of the tunnel. There was a little clump growing just outside the entrance, defying the snow with its furry green leaves.

Every time Hollyleaf went outside, she found herself listening for signs of the cats on the other side of the ridge. Were her Clanmates managing to find enough prey in the snow? Were the elders strong and fit? Several times her paws seemed to lead her up to the top of the ridge without her noticing, until she was barely fox-lengths away from the ThunderClan border. But the thought of coming face-to-face with one of her former Clanmates made the blood freeze in her veins, and each time Hollyleaf whirled around at the last moment and ran back down to where Fallen Leaves was waiting for her.

After a quarter moon the snow clouds lifted, leaving a clear sky and crisp, still air. Hollyleaf buried herself in her nest, trying to get warm, but her mind was full of what might be happening in the hollow. She sat up, knowing she wasn’t going to sleep now. The tunnel was filled with silvery light, so bright it was almost like sunshine. Hollyleaf stepped out of her nest and trotted along the passage to the river-cave. It was empty, apart from dazzling light that beamed into every corner and turned the river white. Hollyleaf tipped back her head and strained to look through the hole in the roof. Far, far above, a perfect round moon drifted across the sky. It was a cold night for a Gathering. Hollyleaf pictured the cats huddling together in the hollow, steam rising from their muzzles as they listened to each leader speak.

“You miss your Clanmates, don’t you?” murmured Fallen Leaves behind her.

Hollyleaf jumped. She hadn’t heard him enter the cave. “I just want to know that they’re okay,” she mewed, feeling a flash of guilt. “Leaf-bare can be so hard in the Clans, and with all this snow, they might not have found enough to eat.”

Fallen Leaves held up one paw to stop her. “So go and see them.”

“I can’t! They have to believe I’m gone forever!”

“Visit them without being seen, if that’s what you want,” Fallen Leaves suggested. “You can’t spend all your time watching the moon, and wondering.”

Hollyleaf flinched. Perhaps he was right. She knew her old territory well enough to stay hidden. If she could just make sure ThunderClan was surviving the harsh season, she would be able to sleep again.

Hollyleaf felt as though a swarm of bees were buzzing in each of her paws as soon as she decided to go back to ThunderClan in secret, but she forced herself to wait a quarter moon until the sky was less brightly lit. Just before dawn, when the night was at its darkest point, Fallen Leaves led her to a tunnel that wasn’t much wider than a rabbit hole. This was one of the few remaining clear entrances to ThunderClan. Hollyleaf tried to thank him again before she squeezed into the last section, but he turned away before she could say anything and was quickly swallowed up by the shadows.

I’ll come back, I promise! Hollyleaf called after him silently.

Hollyleaf crouched down and wriggled into the tiny hole. The roof scraped her ears and for a moment she felt as if she were being buried alive. Her heart sped up in panic and her breath came in shallow gasps, but she kept dragging herself forward with her front paws.

Suddenly fresh air burst onto her face, and the sound of branches whispering in the wind filled her ears. Hollyleaf stood up, drinking in the familiar scents of cats and trails and border markers. She was home!

No! This is not my home now.

Shaking dirt from her fur, Hollyleaf trotted into a patch of ferns and circled a lone oak tree. After checking to make sure there were no cats out on night patrol, she crossed a narrow trail that ran along the top of the cliff. Hollyleaf told herself she was trembling from cold, but she could smell fear on her pelt and she knew she was terrified of being discovered. When an owl flapped noisily from a branch overhead, she nearly fell over with fright. She ducked into a clump of brambles and pushed her way through until she emerged at the very edge of the cliff. She crouched down and peered over.

The hollow was thick with shadows and Hollyleaf couldn’t make out any individual dens, but something felt wrong. The noise of the wind echoing off the cliffs was different, and the black shapes below weren’t the same as she remembered. It was as if trees had grown inside the camp since she left, full-branched and heavy with brittle leaves. That was impossible!

As she stared, a line of yellow light appeared above the ridge behind her. Dawn was breaking, and it thinned the shadows just enough for Hollyleaf to see a huge tree filling the hollow—not growing, but lying on its side with its roots crumpled in the corner where the medicine den was. Hollyleaf stiffened in horror. If a tree that big had fallen from the top of the cliff, it must have crushed cats beneath it! It was lying directly on top of the warriors’ and elders’ dens. How could something so terrible have happened to her Clan, yet she had known nothing about it? Couldn’t StarClan have told her in a dream?

Perhaps StarClan has disowned me, now that I’m no longer part of a Clan .

Hollyleaf realized she was shaking so much, she was in danger of slipping over the edge. She backed away a little, just as the branches of the fallen tree quivered and two cats stepped gingerly into the cold air. Their breath formed clouds around the muzzles.

“I can go to the dirtplace on my own,” Mousefur was grumbling. The air was so still that her voice reached Hollyleaf all the way on top of the cliff.

“I know you can,” Purdy rasped. “But there’s no harm in having company, is there?”

“I don’t seem to have any choice,” Mousefur muttered as the old brown tom ushered her across the clearing and into the brambles that filled the entrance to the hollow.

Hollyleaf leaned forward, feeling a thrill of delight. My Clanmates!

“Briarlight!” called a voice from the medicine den. “I can bring you something to eat if you’re hungry. There’s no need to fetch it yourself.” It was Jayfeather, sounding as if he’d just woken up.