Annie Auerbach - Despicable Me

VROOM! A tacky tour bus rumbles through the Egyptian desert. A herder and his goats quickly jump out of the way as the bus zooms across the dunes, leaving behind clouds of dust. Inside the bus, a little boy with a skull and crossbones on his T-shirt lowers his sunglasses and presses his face against the window for a better look. His face bumps the window when the bus screeches to a halt. The little boy, named Justin, stumbles out tethered to a kid leash, with his mother holding on to the other end very tightly. All of the other tourists pile out, too, and stare in awe.

In front of them stands the Great Pyramid of Giza, the only remaining wonder of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Justin’s father turns to his wife and holds up his hand. “Quick, honey, take my picture!” he says. “I got the pyramid in my hand!”

His wife snaps a few pictures. Then, through the viewfinder of the camera, she sees Justin running off into the distance. He has unhooked himself from the leash.

“You get back here right now!” she calls to her son.

Justin isn’t listening. He is too busy crawling through the roped-off area that surrounds the pyramid. He holds a toy airplane in his hand and swoops it through the air, clueless to the danger he is getting into.

“No! Stop!” shouts a security guard.

“Do not cross the line!” another security guard yells.

The Egyptian security guards chase after Justin. The boy scampers up a rickety maintenance scaffolding.

“Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, little boy,” the guard warns.

Justin just keeps playing with his toy airplane.

“Stop right there!” the other guard says, more urgently.

Justin turns back to look at the guards… and slips! He falls off the scaffolding, plummeting headfirst toward the pyramid!

Justin screams.

His mother screams.

KOOSH! Justin hits the pyramid—and then bounces off! He sails over the guards’ heads. The tourists quickly snap pictures as Justin flies through the air, heading straight for his mother.

“I’ve got him! I’ve got him!” she screams frantically, tracking the boy’s trajectory through the air.

With a splat , Justin lands right on top of his father. He’s okay!

The pyramid, however, deflates like a big inflatable bounce house.

Word spreads quickly as newscasters report the day’s biggest story.

“Outrage in Egypt tonight as it was discovered that the Great Pyramid of Giza has been stolen and replaced by a giant inflatable replica,” says one newsman on the television.

The TV broadcast cuts away to footage of Egyptian police attempting to re-inflate the fake pyramid. It’s going slowly. Very slowly.

The newscaster continues. “There is panic around the globe as countries and citizens try to protect their beloved landmarks.”

The TV screen is flooded with footage of French police guarding the Eiffel Tower and Chinese tanks guarding the Great Wall.

“Law enforcement still has no leads, leaving the world to wonder: Which of the world’s villains is responsible for this heinous crime? And where will he strike next?”

Gru is not the friendliest person you might meet. Instead, he’s the type of person to give a sad child a balloon animal… and then promptly pop it. He’s the type to pull up behind a cyclist on the road and blare his horn so loudly that the rider is blown from his bike. He is the type who doesn’t wait in line for anything.

For instance, on this sunny day Gru walks into a local coffeehouse. When he sees the huge line of people, he’s disappointed. Patience doesn’t come easy for Gru. Inventive methods, however, do. Thinking quickly, he whips out a Freeze Ray. He points the weapon at the people in line and fires.

“Freeze Ray! Freeze Ray! Ha ha ha!” Gru laughs maniacally.

Everyone is instantly encased in blocks of ice. Gru grabs a full cup of coffee and a muffin from the woman who works behind the counter.

The thing is, Gru doesn’t have a regular job like other people. He’s a professional villain. So he drives an armored car, carries around a Freeze Ray, and lives in a big, scary house. In the middle of a typical street in typical suburbia sits Gru’s very atypical home. It is all black—the roof, the siding, the door… even the tree in the front yard.

He walks through the living room, carrying his coffee and muffin. When he gets to the couch, he looks down over his long, pointy nose and frowns. Sprawled out on the couch is his pet dog, Kyle, who looks like a cross between a pit bull and a piranha. The dog is in Gru’s spot, so the villain nudges him. The dog opens one eye and looks at his master. Then he closes it, going back to sleep. Gru nudges him again, a little harder. Kyle snores louder, clearly not going anywhere. Gru uses his foot to move the dog over and finally sits down to enjoy his coffee and muffin. He is about to turn on the TV when—

DING-DONG!

Gru sighs. He grudgingly gets up and goes to see who is at the front door. He looks through the peephole and grimaces. It’s his next-door neighbor, Mr. McDade.

“Oh, hello, Fred,” Gru says, opening the door.

“Hey, Gru,” replies Mr. McDade. “I just wanted to talk to you about your house.”

Still standing inside, Gru repeatedly pushes a button labeled TRAP DOOR, but it doesn’t seem to be working. The front porch shudders, but Mr. McDade remains standing.

Mr. McDade chuckles nervously. “Ooh, gotta fix that porch,” he says. Then he clears his throat and continues. “I just wanted to make sure you’d gotten the homeowners association notice about the unapproved exterior color, and the, uh, overall creepiness.”

“Yes, I got it. It was wonderful,” replies Gru. Then he slams the door shut.

“All righty, then,” Mr. McDade says through the door. “Good seeing you, Gru.”

A few minutes later, just as Gru raises the muffin to his mouth for a bite, the doorbell rings. Again.

Gru storms to the door, ready to let his neighbor have it. “Come on, Fred. Get a life, man!”

Before he opens the door, he hears a little girl’s voice on the other side.

“Helloooo? Cookies for sale!”

Gru looks through the peephole and sees three little girls. They’re selling Miss Hattie’s Cookies—one of them carries a clipboard to write down orders.

“Go away,” Gru says through the door. “I’m not home.”

“Yes, you are,” says Margo, the tallest girl. “I heard you.”

“No, you didn’t…. This… is a recording,” pretends Gru.

Margo isn’t convinced. “No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is—watch this,” replies Gru. “Leave a message. BEEP.”

Margo and the other two girls, Edith and Agnes, turn to leave.

“Good-bye, recorded message!” Agnes calls, still standing at the door and clutching a stuffed unicorn.

“Agnes, come on,” says Margo.

Finally returning to the couch, Gru turns on the TV. But instead of his favorite television show, the screen flashes the words INCOMING CALL.