Owen Sheers - The Two Worlds of Charlie F

Becky enters wearing her prosthetic leg. She carries a clipboard.

BeckyAnyone still want to sign up for kayaking down the Amazon?

DaveWhen is it again?

BeckySeptember.

DaveCan’t. Rowing the Atlantic.

FrankKilimanjaro.

AliIs Harry on this one?

BeckyNo

AliRight, I’m in.

MarcCheryl Cole?

BeckyNot yet, Marc, but I’m sure if you ask her nicely. Anyone else? Last chance to put your name down. Come on, guys, any volunteers?

Ali, Marc, Richard, Roger and Simi exit. Becky exits.

In the brief quiet we hear Chris on the phone. Darren begins to fall asleep.

ChrisIt’s blue. On the top. There’s a go-faster stripe down the side? No? Oh, OK, well thanks.

He hangs up, looks up another number from his screen and begins to dial.

Leroy enters. Charlie has taken the sock off his stump and is massaging his scar.

LeroyHow come your stump’s so fucking Gucci?

CharlieGucci? What’s so fucking Gucci about my stump?

LeroyThe scar. Yours is well neat. Mine’s like a fucking arse.

He rolls up his trouser leg.

Look, it’s got bum cheeks and everything. I could fart out of this fucker.

CharlieYou should get some ink on that.

He looks at it more closely.

I mean, I was going to make mine a shark’s mouth. But that. You’re halfway to a whole face there. Or even a knob.

LeroyAlready got one of those thanks. Don’t need another one.

Darren stirs.

DarrenUnless you’re into double penetration.

He falls back to sleep.

LeroyWhat did he say?

CharlieDo you still feel yours?

LeroyMy knob?

CharlieNo! Your legs.

LeroyYeah. Not always, but sometimes. If I sit on the floor it feels like my legs are going through the floor. It’s fucking weird.

CharlieI get this itch in my ankle. The one that isn’t there any more? Drives me fucking mad. Feels like my whole leg is in a really thick ski boot.

ChrisUm, Nike, I think. Yeah, Nike.

LeroyCharlie, you been offered much porn work?

CharlieWhat?

LeroyPorn. Since you lost your leg? You been offered any work?

CharlieEr, no?

Beat.

Why, have you?

LeroyYeah. Loads.

CharlieReally?

LeroyYeah. Must be a double amputee thing, I guess.

CharlieThat’s sick.

Beat.

You ever do it?

LeroyWent along once. But, nah. Didn’t follow through. She was really fat. And she had this weird birthmark.

CharlieEr, right. And of course you’re fucking Tom Cruise.

LeroyYou’d be surprised. Women love this. They do.

ChrisHello. Is that the White Horse? I was just wondering if you’d found a leg … It’s blue, on the top. It’s got a trainer on it. Nike … OK, thanks.

Chris hangs up.

CharlieChris, what the fuck are you doing? You sound like Cinderella.

ChrisTrying to find my leg, aren’t I?

LeroyWhere’d you last see it?

ChrisIn the Black Lion, I think.

He points to Frank.

You was drinking out of it!

FrankWas I?

CharlieActually, now I come to think of it, yeah, you were. Snakebite and black.

FrankNice.

ChrisYeah, great. Only now I’ve got no fucking leg for the weekend, have I?

LeroyWhat you doing on there, Frank?

FrankEditing Jonesy’s tapes innit.

CharlieJonesy? 42 Commando?

FrankYeah.

CharlieKilled same day as … oh Christ, what was his name?

FrankSteve.

CharlieYeah, yeah. Steve Owens.

LeroyWhy you editing them?

FrankHis mum found them in his stuff when it was sent back. She wants me to put them on to DVD, so she can watch them. So now I’ve got to fucking edit them all, haven’t I?

CharlieWhy?

FrankCos half of them is him saying he loves his mum, what it’s like in Afghan an’ that. But then the other half’s this fucking stuff.

Frank presses play. The sounds of two people having sex. Frank shows the laptop to Charlie and Chris.

CharlieJesus fucking Christ!

LeroyShe’s wearing his beret!

Chris joins them. As one they all turn their heads to the side, until they are horizontal to the screen.

AllFuck!

A Delivery Man enters, holding a pair of mannequin’s legs.

Delivery ManEr, anyone know where I’m putting these?

Frank, Charlie, Chris and Leroy all look up at him. For a moment they stare at him, the sound of Jonesy having sex still coming from the computer.

LeroyAre you taking the piss?

Delivery ManSorry?

A second Delivery Man enters, carrying the body of the mannequin. It wears a ‘Team GB’ lycra top.

CharlieWhat the fuck?

The Delivery Man looks down at his docket as Becky enters.

Delivery ManThis is, er …?

BeckyYes, it is. Thanks, I’ll sign for those. ( To the Soldiers. ) Perhaps we can let Jonesy rest in peace now?

Frank turns off the volume.

Becky( to the Delivery Men ) Just through there please, next to the display for the Paralympics. Thanks.

The Delivery Men go to exit. As they pass Charlie takes one of the legs.

CharlieYou won’t be needing this. It’s for the Para Olympics?

The Delivery Man shrugs and exits with just the one leg. Charlie hands the leg to Chris.

Here you go, Cinders. Until you track down your glass slipper.

ChrisFucking great, thanks.

A Nurse enters.

NurseCorporal Fowler?

CharlieYes ma’m! You come to take me away from this tea party? Please say you have.

She hands him a package.

NurseThis came for you. ( To all. ) Meds in five minutes!

Ali enters with the rest of the group who left. Charlie begins to unwrap his package.

AliThank fuck for that.

Darren stirs again.

What’s with Sobey?

RogerIt’s the meds, isn’t it? The Tramadol. Or the MSTs. Knocks you clean out. It’s why I’ve started drilling my kids.

AliYou drill your kids? What the fuck for?

RogerIn case they have to get out the house when they come see me. Escape ladders, fire blankets.

He points at Darren.

I mean, I’m not going to be much good to them if I’m like that, am I? Their mum only lets them stay if she’s seen them do the drill.

Darren stirs.

DarrenI just take paracetamol round the kids. Can’t let them see me like this. They think I’m drunk.

He falls asleep again.