Eugene O'Neill - The First Man

BIGELOW- [Does so-then taking off his overcoat, hat, and throwing them on the lounge comes quickly over to CURT.] I got over as soon as I could. [As he sees CURT's face he starts and says sympathetically.] By Jove, old man, you look as though you'd been through hell!

CURTIS- [Grimly.] I have. I am.

BIGELOW- [Slapping his back.] Buck up! [Then anxiously.] How's Martha?

CURTIS-She's in hell, too-

BIGELOW- [Attempting consolation.] You're surely not worrying, are you? Martha is so strong and healthy there's no doubt of her pulling through in fine shape.

CURTIS-She should never have attempted this. [After a pause.] I've a grudge against you, Big. It was you bringing your children over here that first planted this in her mind.

BIGELOW- [After a pause.] I've guessed you thought that. That's why you haven't noticed me-or them-over here so much lately. I'll confess that I felt you- [Angrily.] And the infernal gossip- I'll admit I thought that you-oh, damn this rotten town, anyway!

CURTIS- [Impatiently.] Oh, for God's sake! [Bitterly.] I didn't want you here to discuss Bridgetown gossip.

BIGELOW-I know, old man, forgive me. [In spite of the closed door one of MARTHA's agonized moans is heard. They both shudder.]

CURTIS- [In a dead, monotonous tone.] She has been moaning like that hour after hour. I shall have those sounds in my ears until the day I die. Nothing can ever make me forget-nothing.

BIGELOW- [Trying to distract him.] Deuce take it, Curt, what's the matter with you? I never thought you'd turn morbid.

CURTIS- [Darkly.] I've changed, Big-I hardly know myself any more.

BIGELOW-Once you're back on the job again, you'll be all right. You're still determined to go on this expedition, aren't you?

CURTIS-Yes. I was supposed to join them this week in New York but I've arranged to catch up with them in China-as soon as it's possible for us to go.

BIGELOW-Us? You mean you still plan to take-

CURTIS- [Angrily aggressive.] Yes, certainly! Why not? Martha ought to be able to travel in a month or so.

BIGELOW-Yes, but-do you think it would be safe to take the child?

CURTIS- [With a bitter laugh.] Yes-I was forgetting the child, wasn't I? [Viciously.] But perhaps- [Then catching himself with a groan.] Oh, damn all children, Big!

BIGELOW- [Astonished.] Curt!

CURTIS- [In anguish.] I can't help it-I've fought against it. But it's there-deep down in me-and I can't drive it out. I can't!

BIGELOW- [Bewildered.] What, Curt?

CURTIS-Hatred! Yes, hatred! What's the use of denying it? I must tell someone and you're the only one who might understand. [With a wild laugh.] For you-hated your wife, didn't you?

BIGELOW- [Stunned.] Good God, you don't mean you hate-Martha?

CURTIS- [Raging.] Hate Martha? How dare you, you fool! I love Martha-love her with every miserable drop of blood in me-with all my life-all my soul! She is my whole world-everything! Hate Martha! God, man, have you gone crazy to say such a mad thing? [Savagely.] No. I hate it. It!

BIGELOW- [Shocked.] Curt! Don't you know you can't talk like that- now-when-CURTIS- [Harshly.] It has made us both suffer torments-not only now-every day, every hour, for months and months. Why shouldn't I hate it, eh?

BIGELOW- [Staring at his friend's wild, distorted face with growing horror.] Curt! Can't you realize how horrible-

CURTIS-Yes, it's horrible. I've told myself that a million times. [With emphasis.] But it's true!

BIGELOW- [Severely.] Shut up! You're not yourself. Come, think for a moment. What would Martha feel if she heard you going on this way? Why-it would kill her!

CURTIS- [With a sobbing groan.] Oh, I know, I know! [After a pause.] She read it in my eyes. Yes, it's horrible, but when I saw her there suffering so frightfully-I couldn't keep it out of my eyes. I tried to force it back-for her sake-but I couldn't. I was holding her hands and her eyes searched mine with such a longing question in them-and she read only my hatred there, not my love for her. And she screamed and seemed to try to push me away. I wanted to kneel down and pray for forgiveness-to tell her it was only my love for her-that I couldn't help it. And then the doctors told me to leave-and now the door is locked against me- [He sobs.]

BIGELOW- [Greatly moved.] This is only your damned imagination. They put you out because you were in their way, that's all. And as for Martha, she was probably suffering so much-

CURTIS-No. She read it in my eyes. I saw that look in hers-of horror-horror of me!

BIGELOW- [Gruffly.] You're raving, damn it!

CURTIS- [Unheeding.] It came home to her then-the undeniable truth. [With a groan.] Isn't it fiendish that I should be the one to add to her torture-in spite of myself-in spite of all my will to conceal it! She will never forgive me, never! And how can I forgive myself?

BIGELOW- [Distractedly.] For God's sake, don't think about it! It's absurd-ridiculous!

CURTIS- [Growing more calm-in a tone of obsession.] She's guessed it ever since that day when we quarreled-her birthday. Oh, you can have no idea of the misery there has been in our lives since then. You haven't seen or guessed the reason. No one has. It has been-the thought of IT.

BIGELOW-Curt!

CURTIS- [Unheeding.] For years we had welded our lives together so that we two were sufficient, each to each. There was no room for a third. And it was a fine, free life we had made-a life of new worlds, of discovery, of knowledge invaluable to mankind. Isn't such a life worth all the sacrifice it must entail?

BIGELOW-But that life was your life, Curt-

CURTIS- [Vehemently.] No, it was her life, too-her work as well as mine. She had made the life, our life-the work, our work. Had she the right to repudiate what she had built because she suddenly has a fancy for a home, children, a miserable ease! I had thought I was her home, her children. I had tried to make my life worthy of being that to her. And I had failed. I was not enough.

BIGELOW-Curt!

CURTIS-Oh, I tried to become reconciled. I tried my damnedest. I tried to love this child as I had loved those that died. But I couldn't. And so, this being estranged us. We loved as intensely as ever but IT pushed us apart. I grew to dread the idea of this intruder. She saw this in me. I denied it-but she knew. There was something in each of us the other grew to hate. And still we loved as never before, perhaps, for we grew to pity each other's helplessness.

BIGELOW-Curt! Are you sure you ought to tell anyone this?

CURTIS- [Waving his remark aside.] One day, when I was trying to imagine myself without her, and finding nothing but hopelessness- yet knowing I must go-a thought suddenly struck me-a horrible but fascinating possibility that had never occurred to me before. [With feverish intensity.] Can you guess what it was?