Noah Cicero - Bipolar Cowboy

“You don’t have to kill yourself,

it is already over.”

3.

Master: What is a hammer?

Student 1: It is shaped like a T and made of metal.

Student 2: It puts nails into walls.

Master: (pointing at wall) The feeling you get from that picture.

Also Known As:

(The Fashion Dream Failed)

(Toaster Strudel Rom Com)

(Makkoli on The Han)

(Stevie Nicks 1976 Singing Rhiannon live on a show called Midnight Express )

(Stevie Nicks is the music, Stevie Nicks became the Old Welsh Witch)

(A Small Gray Cat Knocks Things Off the Table, Wakes us Up)

(A Small Gray Excessively Furry Cat)

(Yeah, Our Relationship was a Non Sequitur)

(Annoying Ex-Boyfriend Annoys Annoys Annoys)

(Bon Iver’s Skinny Love)

1.

Agency!!!

I won’t take your agency away anymore.

I won’t do anything to/for/with you anymore

and you won’t

do anything to/for/with me anymore

an absolute silence

between us

2.

I should say thank you—

You taught me how to be cool,

you taught me how to wear clothes that fit.

I put down the black hoody

and baggy blue jeans.

Now I wear Japanese jeggings

and American Apparel.

You actually made me really happy

and sometimes you were tender.

Your most tender moment was during

the taxi rides home from Hongdae.

A long 45 minute ride drunk at 5am.

I always fell asleep, you would

hold me like I was a baby, so sweet.

But then you would wake me up in Gunpo,

because you were afraid of speaking Korean,

to say, “여기, 여기”

I thought I had Stevie Nicks,

1976 Stevie Nicks

tenderness mixed with drugs

and early morning bloody marys.

my own Stevie,

my own gypsy.

I looked at Stevie Nicks’ Wiki page,

Stevie Nicks sleeps alone at night.

3.

Not even

Sailor Moon

could save our relationship

Moon crisis

4.

We met at a coffee shop

in southeast Portland

lightly snowing

I sat with Lisa.

Mutual friend

on her couch

she handed me organic tea—

Remember we did a video

on Adderall

Lisa kept smoking weed

it was funny

Lisa asks,

“What do you have?”

“A Martin guitar.”

“Must be freeing to have nothing.”

“The things I wanted I didn’t own.”

5.

I preferred when you cuddled me

your little gymnast arm

slightly furry

holding me firmly

I would hold your bicep

with my left hand.

6.

The idea you exist.

It isn’t an idea.

You factually exist.

That you exist somewhere

going to work, doing the dishes,

doing yoga, probably even smiling at times,

And I have to pretend you don’t exist

Seems odd.

The idea

of you being happy

mildly

pisses me off

I am a white man

with blue eyes

even a little fit

books published

college degree

GPA 3.3

What gave you the right

to leave me?

What kangaroo court

did you find?

That granted the ruling

to leave me?

7.

I think our song

was “Home” by

Edward Sharpe

and the Magnetic Zeros

You sang it to me

shirtless

in B’s apartment

at that highly

sexualized/politicized party.

I always told myself

it was “Home.”

But if you were asked,

you would probably laugh

and not have an answer—

8.

On Sundays

On warm days

we would go to Seoul.

You always loved crossing the river by subway.

I loved it too.

Bought a bottle of makkoli,

filled our little paper cups,

sat by the river.

Someone jumped off the Mapo Bridge once,

we watched policemen

on boats

with long hooks

fish for a human body—

We didn’t feel compassion

but interest as foreigners

seeing Korean suicide rituals

9.

I am on so much medication

now

I don’t even know

if you ever loved me

or if I ever loved you

or if we ever loved each other.

10.

Noah Cicero tried to analyze

what is The Pain he feels

The Pain that caused all the panic attacks

and fear

and the inability to see any options

The Pain that closed off

the future

and now.

Noah Cicero said to a lizard

in the desert.

The lizard scurried,

then rested by a cactus.

“Do I still love her?

or am I afraid

to want anything.

Is that enlightenment?

To tell oneself,

the world is on fire,

to want the world,

will only lead to getting burnt.

Or am I just being a wimp,

and the suffering is fun

just as much fun as the fun?”

A wind flooded the desert,

nothing moved

the desert plants and animals

were strong enough

to handle the wind.

11.

But what is

The Pain?

That you are gone?

That you left me without asking?

A genetic problem that has nothing to do with you?

That I did this to myself and view The Pain as pleasurable?

Because of childhood experiences?

I do not have enough data

to answer

but the answer isn’t required

Can’t pay the bills with answers

12.

I fell in love with you

during penetration

Haven’t had sex in eleven months,

you were the last person I had sex with.

I have this belief if I don’t have sex

for a year

I will be like a virgin again.

I tried to have sex at the six month point—

But my brain saw you—

and my penis became limp.

Seems really fucking stupid, Noah.

13.

Since September,

when we shared a bed.

I’ve changed a lot.

I exercise now,

stopped smoking,

stand straight up,

stopped listening to stupid political shows

on YouTube.

Now instead of debating philosophy

and politics, and then eventually

becoming a loud embarrassing dick

I talk about zen, reincarnation, and even shamans—

probably because I can’t hack reality anymore.

If we speak to each other,

we turn into our dead selves—

the overgrown ruins of ourselves.

Since I am a writer, fans

will visit my wrecked ruins.

And they ask me, “Noah

come with us.”

And I say now,

“Oh you can go,

I don’t even know the path anymore,

I will stay here

among the casinos and palm trees.”

My fans returned

and I ask,

“How was it there?”

They replied,

“Beautiful.”

14.

You aren’t even a real person

anymore.

A mythology?

I have made you into

a vicious tribe of Apaches.

They have me trapped,

but I have the high ground,

and I kill all the Apaches,

one by one,

myth by myth,

dream by dream

Murakami by Murakami

There was blood everywhere,

after I walked away with a limp.

15.

I will not lie

sometimes I see

a pack of Sour Patches

and

I

want to

scream

16.

When I watched you leave

at the Incheon Airport

I knew you were gone.

You wrote one last text.

“I love you peanut.”

I stared at it.

We would no longer

eat pizza together,

cuddle and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race .

It was all over.

See, I have mommy issues,

and to live in a bubble with a woman

is heaven.

When I got back to my room

in Seongnam.