Терри Пратчетт: Театр жестокости (Theater of Cruelty)

“I suppose no one saw anything (я полагаю, что никто ничего не видел)?” said Vimes.

“Well, sir,” said Sergeant Colon helpfully (услужливо), “I told young Constable Carrot to find some witnesses (я сказал констеблю Карроту найти свидетелей).”

“You asked Corporal Carrot to investigate a murder (расследовать убийство)? All by himself (в одиночку)?” said Vimes.

The sergeant scratched his head.

“And he said to me, did I know anyone very old and seriously ill (знаю ли я кого-нибудь, кто очень стар и серьезно болен)?”

It wasn’t easy, being the senior policeman in Ankh-Morpork, greatest of cities of the Discworld [*].

There were probably worlds, captain Vimes mused in his gloomier moments, where there weren’t wizards (who made locked room mysteries commonplace) or zombies (murder cases were really strange when the victim could be the chief witness) and where dogs could be relied on to do nothing in the night time and not go around chatting to people. Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice—i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn’t the world for it. Just once, he thought, it’d be nice to solve something.

He looked at the blue-faced body on the slab, and felt a tiny flicker of excitement. There were clues. He’d never seen proper clues before.

“Couldn’t have been a robber, Captain,” said Sergeant Colon. “The reason being, his pockets were full of money. Eleven dollars.”

“I wouldn’t call that full,” said Captain Vimes.

“It was all in pennies and ha’pennies, sir. I’m amazed his trousers stood the strain. And I have cunningly detected the fact that he was a showman, sir. He had some cards in his pocket, sir. ‘Chas Slumber, Children’s Entertainer’.”

“I suppose no one saw anything?” said Vimes.

“Well, sir,” said Sergeant Colon helpfully, “I told young Constable Carrot to find some witnesses.”

“You asked Corporal Carrot to investigate a murder? All by himself?” said Vimes.

The sergeant scratched his head.

“And he said to me, did I know anyone very old and seriously ill?”

And on the magical Discworld, there is always one guaranteed witness to any homicide(и на магическом Плоском Мире всегда есть гарантированно один свидетель любого убийства; homicide – убийство). It’s his job (это его работа).

Constable Carrot, the Watch’s youngest member (самый молодой член), often struck people as simple (часто производил на людей впечатление простака). And he was (и он был = таким он и был). He was incredibly simple (он был невероятно прост), but in the same way that a sword is simple (но в той же мере, как прост меч), or an ambush is simple (или как проста засада). He was also possibly the most linear thinker (он был, возможно, самым прямолинейным мыслителем) in the history of the universe (в истории вселенной).

He’d been waiting by the bedside of an old man (он ждал у постели старика), who’d quite enjoyed the company (который был рад компании). And now it was time to take out his notebook (и сейчас было самое время достать свою записную книжку).

“Now I know you saw something (итак, я знаю, что вы видели что-то), sir,” he said. “You were there (вы были там).”

WELL, YES, said Death. I HAVE TO BE (МНЕ ПРИХОДИТСЯ БЫТЬ), YOU KNOW. BUT THIS IS VERY IRREGULAR (НО ЭТО ОЧЕНЬ НЕОБЫЧНО).

“You see (понимаете ли), sir,” said Corporal Carrot, “as I understand the law (как я понимаю закон), you are an Accessory After The Fact (соучастник после факта). Or possibly Before The Fact.”

YOUNG MAN, I AM THE FACT (МОЛОДОЙ ЧЕЛОВЕК, Я И ЕСТЬ ФАКТ).

“And I am an officer of the Law (а я — офицер Закона),” said Corporal Carrot. “There’s got to be a law (закон должен быть), you know.”

YOU WANT ME TO (ВЫ ХОТИТЕ, ЧТОБЫ Я)… ER… GRASS SOMEONE UP (ЗАЛОЖИЛ КОГО-НИБУДЬ; grass – информатор)? DROP A DIME ON SOMEONE (НАКАПАЛ НА КОГО-ТО)? SING LIKE A PIGEON (СПЕЛ, КАК ГОЛУБЬ = НАСТУЧАЛ, КАК ДЯТЕЛ)? NO. NO-ONE KILLED MR. SLUMBER (НИКТО НЕ УБИВАЛ МИСТЕРА СЛАМБЕРА). I CAN’T HELP YOU THERE (НЕ МОГУ ВАМ ПОМОЧЬ).

“Oh, I don’t know, sir,” said Carrot, “I think you have (я думаю, вы помогли).”

DAMN (ПРОКЛЯТЬЕ).

Death watched Carrot leave (смерть смотрел, как Моркоу уходит), ducking his head as he went down the narrow stairs of the hovel (наклонив голову, спускаясь по узкой лестнице лачуги).

NOW THEN, WHERE WAS I (О ЧЕМ ЭТО Я)…

“Excuse me,” said the wizened old man in the bed (сказал иссохший старик в постеле). “I happen to be 107 (мне уже 107 лет), you know. I haven’t got all day (у меня нет всего дня = не думаю, что протяну еще один день).”

AH, YES, CORRECT (АХ, ДА, ВЕРНО).

Death sharpened his scythe (заточил свою косу). It was the first time he’d ever helped the police with their enquiries (это было в первый раз, когда он помог полиции с ее делами; enquiry – дело, проблема, вопрос). Still, everyone had a job to do (хотя, у всех есть работа, которую нужно делать).

And on the magical Discworld, there is always one guaranteed witness to any homicide. It’s his job.

Constable Carrot, the Watch’s youngest member, often struck people as simple. And he was. He was incredibly simple, but in the same way that a sword is simple, or an ambush is simple. He was also possibly the most linear thinker in the history of the universe.

He’d been waiting by the bedside of an old man, who’d quite enjoyed the company. And now it was time to take out his notebook.

“Now I know you saw something, sir,” he said. “You were there.”

WELL, YES, said Death. I HAVE TO BE, YOU KNOW. BUT THIS IS VERY IRREGULAR.

“You see, sir,” said Corporal Carrot, “as I understand the law, you are an Accessory After The Fact. Or possibly Before The Fact.”

YOUNG MAN, I AM THE FACT.

“And I am an officer of the Law,” said Corporal Carrot. “There’s got to be a law, you know.”

YOU WANT ME TO… ER… GRASS SOMEONE UP? DROP A DIME ON SOMEONE? SING LIKE A PIGEON? NO. NO-ONE KILLED MR. SLUMBER. I CAN’T HELP YOU THERE.

“Oh, I don’t know, sir,” said Carrot, “I think you have.”

DAMN.

Death watched Carrot leave, ducking his head as he went down the narrow stairs of the hovel.