Smart Reading - Summary - The Emotional Compass. How to Think Better about Your Feelings. Ilse Sand

The author specifies four basic causes of anger:

1. Others say or do something that stings your ego.In this case all of us feel narcissistic anger. Still if people see you not the way you’d like them to see you, neither expressing your anger, nor attacking your opponent will help the matter. On the contrary, you may only make things worse, because anger is contagious.Even if the person didn’t feel anything negative towards you before, the anger coming their way will quickly make them angry as well. It’s best to say: "I’m sorry you see me this way. I see myself very differently". Most probably you’ll hear: "How do you see yourself?" This will help moving away from the blind conflict to a sensible conversation.

Behind narcissistic anger you often find fear of being abandoned. Gather some your courage and ask directly: "Does what you see in me make you like me less?" Most probably the answer will be "no", but during this conversation you’ll be able to clarify many things in your relationship.

If you were the one who attacked your opponent, whether deliberately or not, and caused narcissistic anger, try to show the person that you still see him or her in a positive light and one particular situation doesn’t change your overall relationship. This will quickly cool things down. When you want to give negative feedback, talk about actions, not the person. Don’t say "you’re stupid," say "you made a careless mistake."

2. Others offer you compassion or sympathy which you either haven’t asked for or are not ready for at the moment.

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