Richard Bandler - Changing with Families - A Book About Further Education For Being Human

then the therapist's task is not to say who is right or who is wrong; it is not his domain to arrange a compromise. The resolution of the problem is not the main task of the therapist. Even if this problem is resolved, the calibrated communication which caused this problem will just produce another one. The task of the therapist, then, is to break the calibrated communication loops and to provide an environment for learnings about what choices and resources the family have which they can use to solve any specific problems. The therapist's jurisdiction is process, not content, the process of how each family member can achieve the hopes which the problem-solving represents (as an example). His task is to add to that process so the family members can resolve their own problems without further assistance. Then, each new conflict is an opportunity for every member to get what he wants. So, system process is the level of patterns to which the therapist is sensitive. He wants to understand what and how, not why. He strives to assist all members of the family in establishing feedback. If the family therapist does not operate at this level, he will get entangled and become part of the process, which will result in further difficulty.

For example: If the therapist were to ask Tom why he objected to Amy's going to work, Tom would probably elaborate on what he has already told the therapist and, in so doing, increase the demand on the therapist to judge who is right and who is wrong. Instead, if the therapist asks Tom how he is succeeding in his aim to give security to his children, and how Amy is in agreement with this aim, then the therapist's questions will yield information and awareness which will enable the pair to make a start in a new direction. Asking Tom why he does not want Amy to go to work only reinforces the old tendencies. The therapist, himself, needs to develop perspective at the process level. What this means is that the therapist must become freely involved, with his eyes, ears, and body responding to the family members, while, at the same time, remaining outside of their family system. The therapist is involved in the process of exploring, feeling his way, taking steps and risks. The family members are involved in content, trying to get their way, to look good, not to be at fault. They are trying to find a way to cope with today — the therapist is educating them with tools which will be resources for them for the rest of their lives. To provide learnings which will permeate a family system in this way, the therapist needs to add another dimension to the transformation of the family system. This is accomplished by simply providing the family members with a new perspective, a view from his eyes of their own system. Breaking the calibration will succeed only to the extent that family members learn that they must get feedback and break calibrated communication loops. Family therapy becomes even more pervasive when the therapist adds to this his own explicit perception of system process, from inside as well as from outside. Family members, involved in content with each other, at a point in time need to stop and tune in to process, to get a perspective which will enable them to go further. Staying with content has limited possibilities. Many content issues can be resolved with the new ways of coping, once the family members begin to understand their system and obtain the tools necessary to make it work for them. Our goal is to get as many of these tools in the hands of each family member as is possible. Our approach is that problems are endless. The therapist is in a no-win situation if he uses a "problem-centered" approach. Therefore, we use a "new-coping" approach. The problem is not the problem; coping is.

One of the most powerful techniques to achieve perspective of process of which we are aware at this time is sculpturing, by which the therapist translates the family's processes into body postures and movements which represent the communication he has observed in the session. For example:

A father, Jack, might start out standing erect, with a rigid body, his head tilted up, appearing super-reasonable, a pillar of strength which is impenetrable. As he does this, his wife, Joyce, is kneeling in front of him in a worshiping, admiring position, staring up. Meanwhile, one by one each of their three children climbs onto Jack's back, until he can no longer bear the weight and collapses to the floor. At this point, Joyce springs up, taking a blaming posture, pointing her finger, her nostrils flaring, until Jack finally struggles to his feet and becomes a stiff board again so Joyce can kneel and worship him.

This visual display presents family members with a picture of process. It allows them to see how the patterns of their communication cycle change the content while the process remains the same.

Added perspective can be achieved by the therapist's describing the process as he moves the family members through this physical, as well as visual, process:

Step One: Jack stands erect, Joyce kneeling, children beginning to climb on Jack.

Therapist: I see Joyce appearing to admire Jack's ability to hold things together, being so smart and being someone she can look up to, while the kids are pulling on him to get some attention because he is always so busy keeping things together, and you people want some connection with this big, strong, smart man. And he is tough to get through to, so you pull harder and climb on him more to get him to notice you. Maybe you get in trouble in school so he has to help you with your homework. Or, you could ask him a continuous stream of "why" questions, and, because he is so smart, he'll have to answer. Meanwhile, you, Joyce, look on, admiring his ability to hold things together, until Jack, who looks so sturdy, suddenly falls down and has another breakdown. Now you kids can have contact — he can spend time with you, but poor Joyce is abruptly thrown into the position of keeping everything together. And where is her big, strong man? He now needs her to take care of him, so she nags him and nags him and finally reproaches him into getting back on his feet. Finally, Jack gets so scared of what Joyce might do that he struggles up and pretends that he is as strong as an ox. Now, he has to leave behind him his connection with his children, because he has to work extra hard to make up for the time he was sick. You kids miss him, so you begin to climb on him once again.

This adds yet another dimension to the process picture. The therapist can go even further and ask family members to report on their internal experience as they move through this process ballet. Jack, for instance, who is standing strong and erect, might say he actually feels lonely and like a tree branch which is about to break. While Joyce is blaming a broken Jack, she might report that she isn't really mad but scared and desperate. This, too, can add perspective to process. It might be carried yet another step by asking each family member, in each position, what would take off the strain. Jack might ask Joyce to stand up and help him instead of admiring him. As she stands, she might say, "I always wanted to help you and be on the same level with you, but I thought you could only stay strong if you thought I was weak and needed you to be that way." This kind of perspective on process not only removes blame and breaks calibration, but it also gives the family members an awareness of the process. This provides yet another choice for the family members to focus on in times of trouble. Before, they only had one perspective, their own. Now they can add to that a perspective of process and an awareness of how each family member's perspective of the same process can be different.